Happy Journal

One of my favorite people in the world mentioned she keeps (or kept) a "happy journal". As cheesy and "new age-y" as that sounds, I was intrigued and asked her to explain. She told me that her tendency (and as I'm learning, most people in theatre or the arts in general), was to think judgmental, sad, or negative thoughts about herself. These would translate in to judgmental, sad, or negative thoughts about others. This perpetuated a circle of negativity. She decided to try to change it in hopes that she would feel better about herself and thus, others.


So she experimented with keeping a "happy journal".


Every night before she went to bed, she wrote 3 to 5 things that made her happy during the day. She had to be honest with herself. No saying she was happy about something she was "supposed" to be happy about. No telling herself that she "should feel" anything. Only things that truly made her feel good/happy were allowed to be written in the book.


At first, she found very surface things. "The apple I ate was really juicy and sweet. It made me happy". Or, "I'm happy I had the energy to get out of bed and make coffee this morning. Coffee made me happy."


As time went on, she realized there were more things she was truly happy about. And, actually, she would seek them out so she'd have something good to write down.


I kinda love this idea. Finding reasons to look for the happy in the day rather than sit back and wait for it to happen. We tend to look for the unhappy, the negative, in the day. We "gear up" for a bad day. We "tense ourselves" because we believe it will, cynically, prove to be more likely a crappy thing rather than something fun or pleasant. We're "surprised" when work is productive and fun.


Sure, maybe we want nothing more than to be out of this financial crisis, doing a job we feel feeds our souls, out of school, etc. But if we, as a community, continue to live for the "big picture" and not start living moment to moment, we really will watch our lives flitter away.


I am a grave offender of living ahead. I am full of fear that if I actually live in the moment, it will disappoint me. Therefore, I'm never truly happy. Nor am I truly sad. In actuality, I'm not actually living my life. So, my emotional life "comes out sideways". I got the negativity down pat. I don't know where I learned that if I put myself down first, it hurts less when others do it to me. Nope, it doesn't. It hurts a lot worse. It confirms what I think of myself. That's not helpful. It just makes me "right". Well, whoopie fuckin' do! I'm right that I'm worthless. Yeah, not much to do with that. So, why don't I figure out a way to like myself. To live in a happy world that will, ultimately, hurt from time to time. But probably will even out in the end. I would like to live my life with some happiness.


Recently, a girl I've met only twice, but is very close with a girl who considers me her enemy told my wonderful boyfriend that "Ali is not a nice person".


I should have laughed it off. This girl has met me twice. She doesn't know me. She's had 1 conversation with me. Her information is, faulty, at best and probably is just trying to back up her friend (which I completely get). It's funny, actually, when you think about it.


But it bothered me.


Why? Why did some girl's opinion (a girl who obviously has an agenda and something against me because of her friend) bug me? Why didn't all the loving and wonderful friends who tell me how nice I am and how much fun I am to be around and who love and adore me daily, well, why didn't their opinions outrank this one girl?


Maybe because it's easier to believe the bad stuff.


Maybe because I want everyone to like me. Even people who believe they have a damned good reason NOT to like me. I still want them to like me too.


But, life says we WILL piss off people. Sometimes we will piss off people who we desperately DON'T want to piss off. Sometimes we will piss off people we couldn't care less about, (rude, obnoxious patrons, for example). But, I'm starting to realize that no matter what, we will hurt someone. Intentional or not.


For those of you I've hurt, I'm sorry. Truly, deeply, within the depths of my soul, sorry. However, if you know me, or ever knew me, you'd know one thing about me. I never ever intend to hurt anyone. If I do, it's not pre-meditated. If you still believe I did intend to hurt you, you never knew me, you were never truly my friend, and any anger you harbor is your responsibility.


My intentions are to look for the happy. Without it, I'm not actually living my life fully. Since I'm an aethiest, I don't look at life as a dress rehearsal. This is all we've got so I might as well love it and live it fully.



I began my happy journal. It's been fun thinking of my day and the funny or happy moments throughout it. I encourage you to do some of the same. It's a really beautiful way to end the day.



Peace and love.

Truckin' along...

I'm busy. What else is new? Well, at least the busy is a bit more focused with the 101 things.

So: Here is an update. (Anything new is updated and/or bullet-pointed in RED)

Hope you are well and enjoying this lovely holiday season!

Thank you to everyone who has been so encouraging about my progress with this daunting list. :)

Peace and Love,
Ali

Wordle Fun!

Ok, thanks to my awesome friend, Mr. B, I had to go check out this "wordle thing". I just pasted in the url for my blog and voila! Out comes this great concoction of the crap I talk about. It's kinda fun! You should try it here! Wheeee!

Love and hugs!
~Ali

Oh, people, that's lame...

Have you ever heard of revenge by Myspace delete? Well, my friends, I am a victim of it. Yes, dear readers, the previous "jackass" has decided that I am not worthy of his myspace friendship anymore.

I think I'll cry about it. Over milk. That I spilled. WHEN I WAS 6!

Come ON people! This is a 29 year old man with nothing better to do but delete people from his myspace in order to "let them know" they are "not desirable" in his life anymore? Really? Has it come to this?

Now, far be it for me to give credit to another ass-bag, (Jody), from the past, who decided to delete me (although the dog's myspace still has me as a top friend...hmmm). AT LEAST Jody sent an email to accompany his "MYSPACE ATTACK".

Look. I understand. I wrote about him in this blog (Ok, ok. And a previous one. Where he comes off like a jackass...HERE) . I'm not surprised he'd be angry. Actually I'm more surprised he saw it or read it or learned that it exists! Maybe I have more readers than I actually think! Woo hoo! If so, that's pretty awesome. Otherwise, I really don't know HOW he might have learned about it.

OR...it could be that I, having been part of the social network of the lovely lady (one of my best friends) whom he OBVIOUSLY wronged, he decided to use his deleting power for BAD! OH GOD! Two-face is on the warpath! Once a good man turned evil! Holy shit! Run people. Run for your lives!

Come ON!

Best part of this whole thing? Wolter got deleted too! AHAHAHAH! The poor guy had NOTHING to do with the blog. He had NOTHING to do with the jackass coming to the bar that night. As a matter of fact, they actually have a TON of common friends, considering they went to the same college and both studied THEATRE! For crying out loud! Puhlease!

Now, I've thought about this and, truly, Wolter's committed his own crime. He's had sex (and continues to live) with me. This is his crime. Guilty by association. Oh McCarthy. Yes, go ahead, have your little dance. It's come to this: "MYSPACE ATTACK!"

So I say this: Mr. Jackhole-jackass-who-doesn't-know-how-to-treat-people...Good Luck. Good luck in life. I can see it's been working out great for you, so far. Keep deleting. Apparently it's the only power you've got.

Cheers!

Amusement, my friends and dear reader(s) doesn't even BEGIN to describe it!
AHAHAHAHAHAH

Things that go flying off my wall...

So when I got engaged, I was given this beautiful ceramic picture that had part of Shakespere's Sonnet 116 carved into it.

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

It is one of the few engagement gifts I didn't actually give back (my aunt told me to keep it) so I hung it up. The other day, out of nowhere, after 3 fucking years, it decides to magically fly off the wall and shatter into a million pieces. So. I think that's the Universe telling me I should "let go" of the past a bit.

I'm working on that.

Today was also a tough day because I was told that my "emotions" seem somewhat "forced" or coming from a place where I thought I was "supposed" to be emotional. What was tough was that even though I'm sure I am still blocked from my past (hell, show me someone who isn't) it was really awful to be told that I was working from a non-truthful place IN MY OWN BODY.

Well, fuck that! I mean, I don't even get to trust my BODY anymore? Really? I can't trust that my emotions are where I think they are because I'm blocked even deeper than my emotions are allowed to go?

So does that mean when I cry, I'm not REALLY crying? Or if I feel angry, I'm not REALLY feeling anger? I'm forcing what I think I'm supposed to feel? How it's supposed to look?

Kinda makes me wonder who the fuck I am right now. 'Cause, obviously, I'm not actually me. If I am, I don't know who that is. And right now I'm questioning if I've ever shared, even with MYSELF, any real emotions EVER.

Yup. It's been a grand day, my friends

And the jackass of the week is...

I'm usually a fairly patient person. Even if I exhibit those moments of irritation or frustration, other than intolerance, racism, etc, I'm pretty non-judgmental.

Except when people fuck with my friends or family.

So there's this guy...let's call him Dick, short for Dickhead.

He dates my friend, pretty seriously, for a few years. They break up. He moves to the city a year or so later. They both date other people. While it didn't end well, it wasn't out of the ordinary for them to run into each other now and then. Many of their friends were friends, etc, etc.

Time goes by. Facebook and Myspace take over the world. They re-connect after a couple of years from one of those "you may know this person" face-space-my-book things.

Both are single.

He makes a spontaneous gesture to meet up with her but she has plans with me. My band is playing and she is, supportively, watching the show. He shows up anyway. He and I have history. His business partner (and close friend) is my ex-fiance. Their people don't talk to my people. But he shows up anyway, gives me a great big hug and says he never cared about the issues and is happy to see me.

I'm glad we have no bad blood.

He hugs my friend and they fall back into their old routine when things were fun and life was sweet and they were both happy.

He gets a call from the business partner that they are having a meeting. He leaves but promises to return after said meeting. He DOES! My friend and I are saying he seems to have changed. The immature jerk that he was when they parted ways seems to have grown up! Happy days!

They go out after my band plays and have a few drinks and make a few plans to see each other again when he comes back from a trip.

Plans are set for an evening (with the right amount of time for one to believe it IS actually a DATE).

The night before, she texts him to make sure plans are still in full-swing and his reply is:
"I don't know, you gonna put-out?"

Now...that could be a joke. I'm willing to laugh at that one. He's gotta a harsh sense of humor and she's like "one of the guys" so it's not too weird...just a bit off...

Before she can respond he texts: "Actually, the guys want me to go out drinking after their show so I may do that instead."

So: Dick has now broken a date with her to go out drinking with the guys. Hmmm....

But then he texts: "We'll be at [bar in the neighborhood] you're more than welcome to join us"

She thinks, "ok, maybe this is a good thing. He's asking me to come out with the guys so maybe he wants it to seem normal between us. This could be ok."

She asks for directions and then gets this text: "Or you could just skip the bar and come tuck me in"

Now she's suspicious. Does he just want to get laid or does he actually want to hang out with her?

So she (in awesome fashion) writes this: "Are you just looking for a warm, wet, hole to stick it in? Or are you just being flirtatious. Hard to tell through text"

Dick replies: "Warm, wet, and familiar. Don't wanna split hairs here."

She is stunned.

Dick then writes: "Eh, maybe we should meet up some other time. Don't wanna hurt you. Not my goal here."

Yeah.

Guess he didn't grow up after all. Good luck with that. ASSHOLE.

P.S. My friend DID NOT reply and obviously DID NOT go meet him at his home or the bar. However, I will state that if he had come anywhere near her that night she'd have probably pulled out his jugular with her teeth. White. Hot. Rage. But, calmly.

101 in 1001 (or what I plan to accomplish by August 10, 2011)

Ok, I'm putting up a list of 101 things I want to accomplish in 1001 days. I learned about this through two friends of mine (who've put up their own lists) and it inspired me to do the same.

While I am a focused person, having a deadline helps to direct me towards a goal. If I don't self-impose one, I tend to flail around and not get much done.

So, in the interest of self-interest and with my happiness in mind, I am putting this out there. I'm excited and nervous and looking most forward to getting to "cross things off the list" as I accomplish them. Look for updates as they happen.

As always, I love and adore you, my friends. Thank you.

So. Here we go:

1. Hit my goal weight (and maintain it)
2. Send the trains
3. Sell the beanies
4. Sell the Magic the Gathering cards
5. Sell the wackies
6. Get proposed to
7. Finish Stop...Look...Listen scrap book
8. Go to 10 shows I'm not directly involved in
9. Go to 5 shows where I don't have a friend in it.
10. Move/buy a bigger place
11. Finally scan all my photos
12. Organize all my photos
13. Read 3 classic books
14. Semi-supine every day for 1 month
15. Finish Mom's awesome Hanukkah gift
16. Write 10 actual letters
17. Finish any/all 1/2 done cross-stitch projects
18. Learn how to use a sewing machine

19. Go Vote

20. Refile/organize monologue box
21. Get my MRI mammogram

• got my appointment (finally) on December 19th!
  

22. Take a tap class
23. Take a jazz class
24. Take a modern class
25. Take a circus class
26. Finish the Ender series
27. Take a "day job" that gives 2 days off in a row
28. Visit K. in New York
29. Visit Raina in Tennessee
30. Do film, as much as possible
31. Get an agent - one who cares about me
32. Watch the entire West Wing series

• Season 1 = complete!
• Season 2 = still in the middle
  

33. Watch 10 classic (oscar winning movies) I've never seen (preferably before 1980)
34. Do the 3 day walk for breast cancer
35. Submit my play to 3 theatres
36. Finish writing the Jezebel play
37. Get Sparky's teeth cleaned (with Vet approval)
38. Go to (at least) one Cubs game a year
39. Finish playing Kingdom Hearts
40. Knit 5 scarves for others
41. Be more diligent about recycling

• we bought a cart and are filling it and bringing it down to recycling once/twice a week on average
• we are keeping containers (jars and such) and reusing them as much as possible
• we are continuing to check labels and reuse any paper products we can
  

42. Try to use organic/green non-chemical products
43. Go to 4 movies - IN THE MOVIE THEATRE -
44. Treat myself to 3 massages at Urban Oasis
45. Watch more Olbermann and Maddow

• MSNBC is now the default channel on our TV

46. Trade in Dad's guitar to get one that fits me
47. Keep up on my blog www.ali-land.blogspot.com at least once a week- even if it's just an update
48. Scan and organize MOM's pictures
49. Read more of and try to incorporate Alexander Technique into my life

• Working through reading a book called Anxious to Please which has opened my eyes to many things - specifically - it uses the process of The Alexander Technique in many of the practices. Cool.
  

50. Finish putting together the crossword jigsaw puzzle
51. Don't let the file basket get to the top without filing it.

• This is a constant struggle but I finally attacked it today!
  

52. Take a combat class
53. Take a ballet class - even though it scares me-
54. Run a 10K (6.2 miles)
55. Do 3 Stuart's sun salutes a day for a week
56. Play my keyboard, once a month, for fun
57. Perform 10 random acts of kindness

• Bought mom an orange rose and surprised her when she was sick

58. Get an ivy (English?) plant
59. Read 3 previously unread books on acting
60. Ride my bike as often as possible (seasonal)
61. Drink 64 oz of water every day for 2 weeks
62. Finish all seasons of the Venture Brothers (for Jon)

• Season 1 = Complete!
• Special Christmas episode = Complete!
  

63. Watch 5 movies Jon wants (only 1 will be MST3K)
64. Try my watercolor pencils and make something pretty
65. Hang out with Dante 2x a week for at least an hour
66. Go to the Shedd Aquarium
67. Go to the Brookfield Zoo
68. Go to Lincoln Park Zoo
69. Go to the Art Institute
70. Read 8 plays I've never read before
71. Visit Charleston (finally)
72. Help Jon get on the path to Bio-medical visualization
73. Have a "date night" once a month

• Went to Sushi for November's date! Mmmm!

74. Say something kind to someone once a day for a month -even if it's "I LOVE YOU"
75. Do my taxes by March (instead of waiting until the last minute) for 2009 and 2010
76. Get my credit score
77. Find out how much I'd be approved for, for a mortgage
78. Make a realistic budget
79. Get a new computer (mmm...MAC)
80. Do my 2 affirmations out loud for 2 months
81. Graduate from ACT ONE!
82. Get out of my contract for ******
83. Transfer my VHS tapes to DVD
84. Get my compass tattoo
85. Vinegar the carpet!
86. Go on 5 auditions I have no chance of getting or don't even want - blog about the experiences -
87. Keep an audition journal
88. Get back to my "limber self" and do full splits on both legs!
89. Play my Dance! Dance! Revolution once a week for 3 months
90. Floss every day for 3 months
91. Spend at least one night (with Jon) at a B&B
92. Make the "butterfly" tray
93. Listen to 3 recommended rap albums
94. Learn basic sign language
95. Write a letter (not to be sent) to those whom I feel still "hold me back" emotionally
96. Experiment with "freezing a goal" and wait 3 months to see the progress
97. Be adamant about making 3 hours of "down-time" for myself a week and STICKING TO IT
98. Re-establish my donations to Sierra Club for the Polar Bears.
99. Keep practicing "drawing on the right-side of the brain"
100. Get new glasses
101. Accomplish at least 50 on this list by August 10, 2011 :)

Our Town

This is a re-post of my Myspace blog. For those of you who don't do the Myspace thing or follow my little blog in other ways, here it is in all its glory. :)

I was just fortunate enough to score a ticket to one of Chicago's smash hits, Our Town. Yes, Our Town, by Thornton Wilder. Many of you remember having to see a dreadful production, or read it in school or, heavens forbid, be a part of some tragic production.

I, however, have always had a different view of this play. My first introduction to it was when I was 12. I read a scene from it in one of my first scene-study classes. I was fortunate enough to have an amazing teacher who understood what this play was about. She understood what the play was really saying, not what some sad and pathetic director was trying to say. I walked away thinking, "I should read that play". Which I didn't get around to until I was 15.

I went to an arts high school and was introduced to the Spalding Gray movie, Monster in a Box, where herecounts his experience doing Our Town on Broadway. We then watched this version and it was both moving and lovely.

College, well, I watched a bunch of college-kids trying desperately to portray the depth and breadth needed to really fill out these characters, but only a few actually hitting a place of emotional truth.

Then Chicago's own David Cromer decides to direct this award-winning play. With the help of an exquisite cast, he is easily doing exactly what this play calls for. By showing us what we need to hear and setting up our imaginations, we can't help but fall desperately in love with these characters and recognize ourselves in their successes and flaws. Nothing was missed. This is an exceptional show. A beautiful success and, dammit, I'm glad to be alive today.

Bravo, Hypocrites and David Cromer for an amazing depiction of life and what we miss in our mundane every day moments. How fleeting they are.

Thank you for the opportunity to have experienced it.

Peace, and I love you all.

If you believe the good...

I have a wonderful teacher who often muses, "If you believe the good criticism, you have to also believe the bad." I appreciate this because I feel as though, even in its sardonic nature, the wisdom behind it is of creating balance. I often seek balance and then often fuck it up, royally, by not maintaining this balance. I know, I know, it's a baby-step process. BUT, I had a small epiphany about this balance today and I wanted to share!

I've often said that when traumatic things happen in my life it takes me longer to process and then respond than most "normal" people. I have a "cat-like-state-of-readiness" in my ability to deal with a crisis. I can shove away any bad/sad/frustrated feelings and just deal with the task at hand. But, when the crisis is over/averted and we come back to stasis, that's when I usually fall to pieces. My family knows this and my friends know this.

So. Doesn't it seem logical that I would realize that when GOOD things happen to me I would respond in the same way? When I'm given a day off or get cast in a show or feel good about my performance that- until all the fanfare has died down and we've returned to stasis- that's when I begin to feel good again?

Interestingly enough. No. It never did occur to me. Until today. So, Ted, in your infinite wisdom about critics: I believe my response to the good will be in proportion to my response to the bad and happen after the normal person would have responded.

Now that I've learned this interesting fact about myself, I feel like I have the power to change it. I don't always enjoy the fact that I'm somewhat of a freak of nature in a situation and feel tension and sadness far longer than I probably should and then have to hide, said feelings, because if I showed how I felt I'd seem crazy. As a matter of fact, it would be something to aspire to actually feel the feelings I'm feeling when I'm feeling them, express those feelings, and then poof! They're gone! Like fully expressed feelings. No guilt. No worry. Just feel it. Express it. And move on.

A life without guilt.

Yup that's a life to strive towards. (Don't mistake a life without guilt as a life without responsibility and consequences. These are not the same)

Anyhow. That's the love I have to share. Going to spend some time with Sparky and read a book that has nothing to do with school whatsoever! Smiles all around.

Love to you all!

What would happen if...?

I've been going about life all wrong, I think. For a long time, as long as I can remember, I've been beating myself up (consciously and unconsciously) for feeling things. I've judged my feelings, my reactions to those feelings, my inability to fix my feelings and/or my reactions to those feelings. Plus, I've made myself sick over not "getting over" my problems at a "reasonable" time.

Yeah.

I'm done with that.

First, I'm done judging how I feel. Seriously, if I've learned anything it's that we all HAVE these feelings. Mad, glad, sad, scared and all the squishy ones in between are part of our humanity. They are part of me. They are also my life-line to making me a good actor. Without them, or without one of them, I am less balanced. I am not a whole person. I can't just take the good and say "screw the bad". Rarely will you ever find a back without a front. A top without a bottom. A good without an evil, and so on. But, if I take away the opinion, the "bad vs. good" judgment, they all just become feelings or thoughts or situations.

So.

I'm beginning an experiment. I am going to try to look at the things I do as an experiment. "What would happen if...".

So. Rather than decide what will happen because it seems like I KNOW what would happen because it's happened that way before, or kind of like that before...maybe I need to change MY response and find out "what would happen if".

Example:

My parents plan a family vacation to Arizona. The premise is my sister-in-law's entire family is planning to be there for Thanksgiving and it would be so cool if we all joined them. I'm not close with them, but I am very attached to my family and enjoy seeing my nephews and my brother on these rare, but usually enjoyable family occasions.

The problem:
My uncle (my father's brother) lives there. Due to unforeseen circumstances (originally he was supposed to be somewhere else for Thanksgiving), he is no longer going out of town and plans to attend our family event. My uncle and I have a very bad history. In the past I endured his presence in my life because I loved and respected my Grandmother (his mother) too much to cause her any pain. I sacrificed my own comfort and well-being just to make it comfortable for the extended family (his kids and his girlfriend of 15 years) to not have to deal with the embarrassment it would cause my uncle if I outed his disgusting actions to the rest of the family. (For the record, my parents, my brother and sister-in-law DO know and still chose to communicate and spend time with him).

But. My Grandma is dead. There is no need to protect her any longer. Nor do I feel the need to play charades any more. Since it's his city, I cannot tell my uncle to leave. So, the only thing I can do is not play the game. I can NOT go. Does it suck? Yes. Do I resent the HELL out of my family for keeping his secret and protecting him? Yes. Can I change their actions? No. No I cannot. I can only change mine. (Cliche, I know, but in this case it's the truth).

So. I gear up to have the fight with my mom that I know will happen because I'm going to tell her I don't wanna go. We have the fight. She plays the martyr card and says we'll all stay home because she just doesn't want to deal with it. I get guilt-ridden and tell her I'm not saying that. On and on and on. Finally we table it for another day.

Another day comes. I approach it differently. Instead of gearing up for a fight, I decide I know what I want and unless the situation has changed (he has decided to go out of town, for example) I do not feel the need to go. I calmly state that I love my family and that I hope my love has been evident over the years. I also explain that for the little vacation time I am getting from school I do not wish to use my vacation as a game of "let's avoid the uncle and not have a panic attack". I also explain that my feelings may be strong but they are valid and I deserve to avoid possibly getting hit by the train by just not standing on the tracks.

As I calmly and rationally laid out my reasons, I imagined my muscles staying loose, my jaw releasing and my breathing stable.

An amazing thing happened, my wonderful mother was quiet and calmly said back to me, "Ali, you're right. You need to do what is going to make you happy."

You bet your ass I breathed a sigh of relief and then cried after I hung up the phone. But I responded to the "I wonder what would happen if" I just calmly say, NO. I said no, and kept my self-respect, not my guilt-ridden sacrifice.

Do I wish things could be different? Absolutely. But I don't feel like a victim in this. I took some power back. Finally.

So. What would happen if I actually allowed myself to really fucking cry about how I feel my ex hurt me and took away my dog and used him as a means to hurt me? What if I actually allowed myself to FEEL sad about the sad things rather than believe I should "be over them already" since it's been two years and I should have moved on by now? What if I actually took a long hard look at how he treated me and realized that I truly may have a case of Stockholm syndrome since I, to this day, defend many of his undefendable actions? What if I just feel the damned feelings and stop judging how I feel about them, for once?

Maybe a little peace?

Maybe a little destruction?

Maybe no change?

Maybe.

One thing is for sure, I'll certainly be going about it at an angle I didn't see coming from before. Maybe a little more conscious. Maybe a bit less judgmental.

Something other than pretending the feelings don't exist would be preferable, I believe. So, let's see what will happen.

I'll keep you posted.

Love to all of you,
Ali

TRON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS MUST BE IN CAPS! YES IT MUST! IF YOU HAVE ANY CHILDHOOD SOUL AND REMEMBER DISNEY'S TRON WITH, YES, THE BELOVED JEFF BRIDGES THEN YOU

MUST.

WATCH.

THIS.

VIDEO.

NOW...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTD_Ej-oPSw

THAT IS ALL, DEAR FRIENDS.

THAT IS ALL.

(If this link doesn't work, try googling TR2N. Disney isn't necessarily going to make this movie. They brought it to Comic Con to see if it generated interest! HOLY CRAP MAKE THIS MOVIE!)

Pardon me, are those your nuts on my arm?

The CTA. We take it because we have to. Sometimes it's the difference between a $12.00 cab ride and a $2.00 crammed, crappy, smelly, awful, homeless-begging, iPod-wearing, sick-to-your-stomach, teeth-rattling, bus ride that reminds us that we're happy to have saved a bit of money and still get home safely after being drunk.

The CTA is also used for such things as:

1. Getting to work


2. Coming from work


3. Meeting at various places in the city for various reasons


4. Having a safe place to ride to such places when fully intoxicated


5. Going to a stop where you may depart your bus or train car to then be picked up by another train or bus to finally reach your destination.

There are many things the CTA is for.

Here are some things it is NOT for:

1. Begging for money
















(Isn't there some sort of man code that claims if the bus is empty you take every OTHER seat?)

2. Children


(If only we were lucky enough to have THIS kid)

3. Placing your nuts on my arm

Yes. you read that correctly.

Placing your


on my



My dear friends. Honestly. I'm sitting on the bus. Minding my own business. Next to me is a nice lady. She's minding her own business. Around us are other people. Some are sitting. Some are standing. They too, minding their own business. All of us dealing with the fact that we are a large number of people shoved into a space too small to hold us and have to maneuver around this vehicle of transportation in order to get ourselves to our specific destinations...cheaply.

We stop at the last stop before the bus turns into a mini-express. (The Belmont and Lake Shore Drive stop on the 146 for those of you who know the route). It takes Lake Shore Drive to Michigan Avenue and then exits and proceeds to do various stops on the route at that point.

So, many humans pass by me as I listen to my iPod and gaze out the window at the lake and soon the movement stops and I glance over and notice the wave of people has stopped and we are about to take off on our mini-express.

Well.

This guy sort of presses into my arm. It happens. Usually someone is trying to push past and get a hand rail on the back part of the bus or they see their friend. Whatever. However, the allotted amount of time where he should have released his junk from atop my arm passed.

So I waited a bit longer.

He shifts.

I think, Ok, good he's realized he's shoving his penis into the crook of my arm, he's going to move it.

No.

He shifts and, I swear to you, dear readers, hoisted his pants up and then solidly PLACED HIS NUTS ON MY ARM.

I was, at this point, still staring out the window and the entire thing seemed so absurd and ridiculous that I began laughing.

Hard.

Out loud.

So hard, in fact, the nice lady next to me looked over and probably thought I was laughing at her because, well, she was in the window seat and I was basically staring in her direction.

Junk man doesn't fucking move.

I'm practically hyperventilating I'm laughing so hard and this jackass STILL doesn't move his nuts from my arm!

At this point I couldn't avoid an awkward moment if I did adjust myself so I stay there. A comfy place for his ball sack.

We pull off onto Michigan Avenue and I think that, Ok, we're about to stop at a stop, people will push past and try to get off so he's got to move then right?

Wrong.

Oh no. He just presses further into me and now balls and penis are smooshing into my side boob! I'm mortified, appalled, embarrassed, etc. But I'm unable to look up at the jackass in nice Dockers shoving himself on me!

2 more stops went by when finally (FINALLY!) nut-sack man decided to move to the door because he was exiting at the next stop. He chose the back door so I never did get to see his face. But dear lord, people, I got a whole mess of cash and prizes that day!

Moral of the story:

Always be aware of your personal packages when on the CTA.

(For an added bonus, run your mouse over the pics for some fun insights!)

A moment of clarity

It bugs me when people don't like me. Sometimes I can let it go because it seems weird or irrational to me. However, when I feel like I have been myself, tried to make an effort, done my work (if it's a co-worker or boss or teacher), apologized if I've done wrong, etc. it boggles my mind why someone would just decide, for no reason other than they "just don't like me" to not like me.

I forget that often these people are dealing with their own insecurities and their own issues and I may resemble those things to them. Sometimes.

This time, it took a few jabs at my ego and a few pointed comments to make me realize that sometimes people don't want to make the effort. Sometimes people are just that bitter. Bitterness. Man, I've been teetering on that road for a while. I hate that road and I really don't feel like myself when I'm on it. It's addicting, though. It's easy to feel like you're accomplishing something when you jump on it. It motivates you, gets your blood pumping, makes you have a goal, it fills your sad and empty soul up with SOMETHING. You begin to believe that you NEED the bitterness in order to survive. I did. I was starting to. I don't want it anymore. I'm walking away from that path with my head up and a bit of clarity.

I've been so busy worrying about later and success and acheiving some weird goal I set out for myself in an effort to have something to shoot for (go goal-oriented people), I completely forgot who I was and, honestly, I'm a pretty good person. I love animals. I love people. I will go out of my way for my friends and family and, honestly, it's about fucking time I allow myself some time to fall back in love with ME. I've spent so much time beating myself up for feeling badly. Beating myself up for hurting other people. Beating myself up for taking the time to beat myself up! I've forgotten that we all make mistakes. We all choose things we're not always the most proud of. We've all wished we could have "played that out differently". But they never taught me in school how to forgive myself for not "getting it" right away. Whatever "it" was. I always believed I was just an idiot if I didn't understand immediately. I wanted to be successful right away because if I wasn't it meant I didn't get the job or the callback or the audition or the agent. It meant that I would get smeared by the critics and people would remember what a bad actor I am and that would translate into being a terrible person.

I'm not a terrible person.

I'm a good, and decent person who loves to bring people together with the right projects. I'm a good and decent person who takes the time to listen and care about others feelings. I'm a good and decent person who doesn't feel afraid or bitter when others succeed. I ENJOY the success of those I love.

I love Chicago theatre. Most of the time, we HELP each other acheive things. It's for the good of the show. It's for the better of the experience. I LOVE that. I'm tired of trying to "get it" on the first try and thinking I've FAILED because it takes me a little while to get there. It's ok. The more I do it, the better I'll get.

I won't be like her. I won't teach a student 15 years younger than me and "act as if" I'm critiquing her classwork when I'm really scared shitless she's getting the roles I should have gotten at her age. Or will. Or might. I'm done going down her path. I will work in her class but her opinion is just that. I will learn from what she teaches me (maybe not right away but I will) and I will thank her, eternally grateful, that I've seen what could have been if I don't start to fix it now.

Dulling the edges and enjoying the view.

I think I'm finally "getting it". But if I'm not, or there's more to "get", well, Ok. I'm kinda OK with that right now.

Love and love and love and peace to all.

My Zoo

I know people think I'm crazy to live in a studio with a dog, a rabbit, a chinchilla, 2 rats and my boyfriend. It does get busy around here. But the truth is, I LOVE them all. And while Wolter and I recognize we may have gone "overboard" considering the space we actually have, we just love these little guys too much to not do everything possible for them.







Which brings me to Wilson.























He's the one on the right.

The little one.

And he's sick.

Wolter and I are really concerned about him and have gone out of our way to help him since he's pretty young, for a rat.


Our vet came in on his day off to give him medications and treatments because HE was worried about him.


After mucho money was spent, we finally took him home in hopes he would turn the corner and start getting better. This has yet to happen. He takes a few steps in the right direction and then falls backwards.


We're trying to keep a positive outlook and the vet tells us he gave him some steroids which might have compromised his immune system. This reason could be why he's not "getting better faster".


So we're playing a waiting game. I take him in next Thursday for a visit so hopefully there will be better news after that.


People might think we're crazy but we love the little guy. He's wicked smart and too cute for words.


Other than that, financially we're swirling around an unflushable toilet. I'm hoping that after picking up some shifts at VGT I'll be able to help re-build the savings we've hemhorraged for various needs.


Being poor gets really old really fast. However, Wolter and I will be living financially "strapped" for, at least, another year while I finish school at ACT ONE. After that ends, I will, hopefully, be able to pay off my tuition with "work study" hours (as I'm currently doing from now through the rest of the semester) and get a job/job to help supplement the financial strain my dream is putting on me and this wonderful guy who has agreed to support me, live in a tiny apartment, cook, clean often, put up with my emotional insanity, and be all-around a wonderful person.



He's the tits.









































Maybe he'll read this and realize that sometimes I suck at saying it out loud, but he's wonderful.



:)



Happier blog in the future, I'm sure. Keep Wilson in your thoughts if you're able. He's a sweetie who deserves all the good vibes he can get.

So it's summer and...

So it's summer! Huzzah! Happiness is touching my soul! So much has happened that I will probably have to bullet-point in order to even get the highlights in:



In no particular order:

1. School's out! For the Summer!!!!


2. Our final show, Hot L Baltimore, went...well.


3. We had our final evaluations at school to determine whether we were being asked back for next year (I am) and what they expect of us (I need to just be a student and stop worrying about "not making it yet")


4. My family went to Disney World for 4 days and had A BLAST! (pictures to come at some point...when I have 3 seconds)


5. I read a non-theatre/non-acting/non-play book! Excitement! (Speaker For The Dead by Orson Scott Card)


6. I am currently reading the next book in the series (Xenocide).


7. I am riding my bike as much as humanly possible (and for those of you who knew about the back-brakes thief, I did get new brakes put on)


8. I am working at both, Victory Gardens AND at Act One (to help pay for tuition next year!)


9. My zoo is doing well...(Chinchilla- McGreevey, Rats - Dante and Wilson, Rabbit - Blue, and Chihuahua dog - Sparky)


10. I have to save $400 by November to get another damned round of headshots! Grrrr. But it's good I'm just grr about the money.


11. Jon and I had a HUGE leak in the kitchen b/c the stupid people in my building use chemicals on crappy pipes. We may have to get a new cabinet for under the sink. It smells gross and musty. Ick.


12. Jon successfully killed and sprayed the plethora of silver fish living in our apartment thanks to the hot water pipe running along the baseboards of the window...and the Section 8 screaming-slob-hicks who live next door to us.


13. For my former dear readers who were interested in my blog about Sarafina the unheeded prophet, the improv went very well. My character did shine throughout and I was happy with the experience overall.


14. Our group of 10 in the conservatory has gone down to 9 b/c one of the girls (the craziest one) has NOT been asked back.


15. I'm going to see Avenue Q in a few days. Truly excited about that show! Saw it in NYC about 6 years ago and fell madly in love with it!


16. I'm drinking a lot of water.


17. I'm having 2 girls nights out in one weekend! I can't believe it. I never have nights out and almost never girl's night's out!


18. There's a bunch of summer movies I'm planning to see: Indiana Jones, Dark Knight, Sex and the City (no judgements, I do have a vagina and I did enjoy that show)


19. I'm ridiculously obsessed with 2 reality shows: Top Chef (until last week at least since I know the chef who was eliminated) and Step it up and Dance (which Jon and I lovingly call Shut up and DANCE!)


20. Fail dogs, fail blog, xkcd, post secret, lol cats, and lol dogs are a few things that make me happy.


21. Also, Scrabbulous.


22. And Peggle. Seriously. Download that game. Popcap games. It's the most addictive thing since Tetris.


23. And I'm learning that whether you believe in Karma or not, it does mete out justice in its own way.

Whew. Is that enough? I'm sure I forgot some other important points. Ah well. Lovely thing about blogs and only 3 readers, you can edit and add things and it doesn't cause much grief in the grand scheme of things.

Cheers and happy days!

(Thank you fail blog for this hysterical post below. I laughed so hard it hurt!)

Secrets and Lies

Many of my 2 readers know I'm in school. Specifically I am in a conservatory program at ACT ONE studios. It's pretty great, considering it's only the 3rd year in the history of the conservatory program.¹

Classes include such gems as: Improvisation for Actors².

My teacher for this class is a staple of the Canadian Second City³ and a well-respected teacher of this work. He even wrote a book recently!⁴

Anyhow, we've started a project for the end of the semester. We were all given the assignment to search archetypes and figure out which one we wanted to be. Then we had a lengthy discussion on what an archetype is and why would we want to be this particular one. We were NOT to think about story or relationships. Just archetypes. Just pick one.⁵

Once we'd gotten sort of squared away with a choice⁶ and listed them on the infamous white board required now for schools, he explained how we were to create this improv one-act.

He begins by asking the class a question⁷: "Who has seen the movie Secrets and Lies by Mike Leigh?" No one raised their hand to agree that we had, and my teacher got a little frustrated and said, "I've been mentioning this movie since the beginning of the semester⁸ so why haven't ANY of you watched it yet?"

Um, yeah, I missed that one. Not because I wanted to (got a great cast and all) but it's not readily available in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ya Canadian! Sheesh!

So this now becomes the assignment. Well, Netflix doesn't always deliver on time and one of my wonderful classmates⁹ decided to find it at the library. What a good man! He watched it and then loaned it out to the rest of us to watch. I got it on Thursday night (class is on Fridays) and planned to bring it back on Friday morning.

Other than falling asleep while it was on, I understood why we had to watch the movie. It was definitely not the best movie I've ever seen, however, the concept is a good one. The characters were created in an improv and it wasn't until Mike Leigh¹⁰ had them flesh out the characters did he then put it all together in a story. In many cases the actors have no idea who they will be acting with until they get to the scene. "Brilliant"! I suppose.

So feeling like a person who finally "got" the joke¹¹ I was prepared to discuss this lukewarm movie in class. I go to eject the tape from my VCR machine. It does not want to release it. Hell hath no fury like the one I unleashed on the VCR. It still would not release the tape. For more fun and hellish interest on HOW we¹², ok JON convinced the machine to release the library's property, read this.

Here are a few pictures of the end results for your viewing pleasure.

You feel important. Don't you?

We BEAT YOU VCR! Wolter, Dr. Scotch, and ME!

The "fun" part about class was getting to create some information on our "character". Refresher: I am a prophet. Our teacher didn't want us to "think" about our characters, but we should put pen to paper and just write (for 10 minutes) continually about our character. He gave us some "starter" questions to help us along. Here were my answers to the questions¹³ my teacher asked us in trying to help us "Write! Not Think!"

Bathroom
25
My pet puppy
Never saving anyone
Seeing the future
Can't save anyone
Someone will listen
Smiles
Rejection
Tiresies
No children
Joan of Arc
Ted Hoerl
Baseball
Picture of my mother in a jeweled frame
Hearing the "word"
By motorbike

Upon the completion of the exercise to "Write! Don't Think!" we had to read, as the character, what we wrote. Even the nonsense. In fact, the nonsense was the most fun¹⁴!

As I sit here on Spring Break¹⁵ I remember the last thing he asked of us before we left for the week. "I want you to write more as your character and bring it in to class".

So...I decided to begin a series of blogs by The Prophet. She will be here soon to "borrow" this site and speak about her trials and tribulations and...well...life.

Stay tuned.

---

1. Many know of ACT ONE since they've been teaching actors for years. The actual conservatory is only 3 years old. So no letters...thanks. :)
2. Folks in the biz call it "improv". We're in the know.
3. Posers
4. Probably much more enjoyable than it sounds. Really. Probably.
5. Seriously, I'm the 2nd oldest person in my class and watching my teacher explain this PROCESS to my classmates was one of the most irritating things to endure. I got my sudoku-for-the-day done, though.
6. I picked mine really fuckin' quick. I'm a prophet. Yes. I. Am.
7. Teachers never learn. They never fucking learn.
8. No. No, you haven't. I listen. You haven't.
9. He's the oldest one in our program. He's 53. He could be my dad. And for some of my classmates, he could be their granddad. AHAHAHAHAH! The elderly.
10. Genius or douchebag. You decide.
11. Rectum, darn near killed him.
12. The Jon Wolter (owner and writer of THE SLOG blog) a guy I spend copious amounts of time with.
13. Demands
14. Like Disney World, but smaller.
15. Excuse to drink excessively and do NO work.
    

Even though the strike is over...

I came across this amazing video and felt compelled to add it as a blog!!! Seriously, folks, this rocks my world. :)

To the writers!!!!!!!



I'm so happy this strike is over, but the fact that these amazing actors/writers created this makes my life happy happy happy!!!

Enjoy, dear readers! Enjoy!
Pssst! Spring is coming...!!!

Little blue boy

Little blue boy
Originally uploaded by Thealibear

Many of you have asked about how Grandma Florence is doing. She is not well. About a year ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer and has fought the good fight to kill this evil disease. Recently, she began to have trouble with the medication and decided it was better for her to enjoy the end of her life rather than be stuck feeling awful from medication side effects.

Things were going along pretty much the same. She would try and eat but it was never an easy battle and she began to get weaker so she had a hospital bed put in her room at my folks house for ease of sitting up and watching TV.

On Saturday I received a call from my mom that things had changed drastically. I rushed over and the entire family had gathered around her and began telling stories. She looked terrible and seemed very much out of it. Jon Wolter and I slept there, on the floor of the room all night long and in the morning she was able to move her right arm and hand. We waited for the nurse to come in but it was fairly obvious that she had suffered a stroke.

My Dad decided it was too difficult to try and bring in nurses and caretakers at this point and wanted her to get the best care. So, he called the hospice and they brought her to Northwestern Hospital.

This is where she is now.

According to the doctors, this is where she will stay until she dies.

What's fascinating, is she has lasted much longer than any of the doctors predicted.

While she is on a morphine drip and IV fluids, she has no swallow reflex so she is not allowed to drink anything for fear she may aspirate into her lungs.

It seems amazing someone can live in this state for as long as she has at this point.

I love my grandma so much but I want her suffering to stop. She is a feisty lady who cannot even TALK! Her only means of communication are through hand-squeezing and mouthing words. She gets weaker and weaker each day...hell...each hour.

My parents are a mess. My mom and I have the same attitude. We both hope she goes peacefully, with no pain, and soon. My Dad is in denial. He actually thinks we will be taking her home in a few days and she'll live like this for months.

Let me remind you she isn't eating.

She isn't drinking.

She is on a constant morphine drip.

I hope to whatever energy/God/spiritual-what-have-you you believe in you never have to witness what I am dealing with right now. Watching this amazing woman deteriorate into nothing is heartbreaking.

Funny enough, when things get this bad, I usually am able to step up. I tend to do well in a medical crisis. (When I was 20 we almost lost my Dad to an adrenal gland tumor). I've slept at the hospital for the past two nights and I'm exhausted. I'm in good with the nurses but it's been very tough staying there in what they call a "bed-like" cushion. It's not an easy thing.

Tonight I'm home, getting a good night's sleep. My uncle is there tonight and I will probably be there again tomorrow night. We shall see.

If you pray, please add Grandma Florence to your prayers. She's a wonderful woman who lived a full life and treated her kids and grandkids and great-grandkids with love and kindness. She deserves to go peacefully and without pain.

Thank you, dear readers.

Snell

Yup, you read that right. "Snell". Normally I don't read my spam mail. However, when I was ready to mass delete just now, I realized this particular spam was from someone named "Snell". At first glance I thought it was "Smell" which wasn't much better but..."Snell"?

Anyhow, Gmail will list the first line of spam mail and this one was intriguing enough for me to just open the basic document (yes, I know most of them are stupid ads or viruses etc, but I wasn't about to download the document).

Here's what peaked my interest:
"ambiguity The waterproof televisions come with installation instructions"

Wait...huh???

Really? Waterproof televisions? Was this real or some amazing "engrish" (no offense).

So I had to read more. Here's the entire spam email:

ambiguity
The waterproof televisions come with installation instructions, but considering the complexity of the installation, it might be worthwhile to have it done professionally. After the sink comes the kitchen, with lighted shelves, and then a dining room, where the table is cantilevered from a shelf on the wall, above, far right.
He was referring to Blackie, that ubiquitous near-black potato vine, and Margarita, a lime-green one, which stole our hearts a few years ago. So he created light channels that make the floors seem as if they, too, are floating, and graze the walls with light.
And the longer you put this off, the longer you will be trading time for dollars instead of products for dollars.
You have mentioned in one of your previous interviews that it would be more appropriate to call jazz 'world music'. Grawunder of her client, who she said compares it to a sacred cleansing ritual in a fountain. Kulick transformed the recesses into display boxes with glass shelves, to hold orchids, ferns and photographs.

Yes, my dear readers. This is what spam emails have turned into. I, for one, do appreciate the spammers and their continued effort to enhance my penis. I also appreciate how many black market drugs I could buy online. Thanks Spaminators. But, really? Waterproof televisions? Blackie? Margarita? Is this the new wave of the century?

Ah...you tell me, my friends. You tell me.

Flaws

(This is a reprint of my myspace blog. Some people don't do the myspace thing --CB-- :) but I felt it was an important enough one to move to this more, personal, venue. Hell, I probably should've put it here to begin with. Either way...here is my flaw blog in all it's glory).

Seriously, people. It's tough to fuck me over so badly that I refuse to give you a second, third, fourth, hell, twentieth chance. I will reach a saturation point but if you've proven yourself caring and remorseful I'm usually persuaded out of my anger and hurt to forgive and move on.

However.

There are a few people I am forced to continue associating with that, except for the situation (work, school, family) I would have LONG since retired my friendly forgiving heart.

Most of the time, the person is well aware how they have fucked me over. And they are also smart enough to keep the fuck out of my way and not keep expecting my forgiving heart to forgive their stupid asses.

However.

At the moment I am dealing with 3, yes THREE people who just are THAT stupid to think I don't see them for who they are. They actually think that just because I've forgiven them in the past I'm willing to take them back no matter how many of their footprints are on my back.

However.

I don't feel badly about NOT taking them back. This is a first. Hopefully a first of many. I am always saying that if someone apologizes I am always willing to listen. I still believe that.

These three morons have not apologized. Well, at least not like a human being might. Telling a mutual friend that you know you fucked up and should probably apologize and make it up to me is not the same as actually apologizing to ME and telling ME you will try to make it up to me. I'm just saying.

So.

While my forgiving nature is still intact, I'm laughing my way through my dealings with these people. Lord knows I'm not without flaws (forgiving people who probably don't deserve it), but at least I still have my head together. And hell, life would be so boring without morons like these three to laugh at!

Peace and love to you all.

P.S. an amusing anecdote: about 4 hours after I posted this blog on myspace I got a friend request from a certain someone's boyfriend. I have a private profile I thought this to be a VERY odd request - I've met the man ONE TIME and it wasn't all that memorable (in other words he acted like I was pretty much non-existant) - but to be blunt, I absolutely saw it as a "ploy" for him to read this blog that clearly his girlfriend (who is a "friend" of mine on my myspace page) was paranoid enough to tell him about. Hey, all you had to do was cut and paste the damned thing and just send it to him. Here it is. In all it's glory. Go ahead and give him my url, if you can figure out how to do that basic computer skill.

Stuck

So life isn't bad. It's got some road bumps. I'm feeling sadness about my Grandma (she's really sick with cancer and it's bad. She's always in pain and it breaks my heart to watch her suffer). I worry about my Mom who is the primary caretaker for Grandma. I detest and loath my uncle and want him to go to jail and get gang raped. Just once. Mostly for disgusting things he did to me but ultimately for how he's sitting in a million dollar house in Arizona and not here with his dying mother. He's kind of a jackass.

Other than that, I'm learning that I spent 4.5 years with someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and upon learning about my Grandma (someone he loved and spent many holidays and vacations with) has done NOTHING to contact me. Seriously. I'm kind of sickened by the idea that someone I picked out a wedding dress for who told me that we would always be family no matter what bullshit we've had and he loves my family so much could just NOT send an email or even a text message to say he'd heard and he's sorry. Nothing.

So, that's how I feel. Stuck. I feel grateful that I am with someone who would put aside the crap and write SOMETHING if things were bad (and he knew about it). But I'm sad that someone I put such faith into, even AFTER we were no longer together decided I was not "worthy" of even a fucking text message. Lies. All lies, I guess is what I'm left with believing.

Ugh. Sorry for the sad blog. Love you all, always.