Full-on ANGRY, nearly 3 months later

Yup.  It's true. I'm fucking pissed.  And I'm tired of feeling guilty for my feelings.  I'm tired of feeling sorry for pathetic fat sacks of shit who believe the world is there to feed, clothe, and take care of them while they eat and drunkenly stumble their way through life.

I'm SICK of it.

Now, honestly, most of my anger is centered around one obnoxious and sad, pitiful human.  I was angry 3 months ago, tried to find my peace with it, but, truly, I'M STILL FUCKING PISSED OFF.

We talk about what "being the mature one" really means.  The fact that I didn't pummel her ass is its own grace of goodness.  She deserved it that night.  Her actions, her thoughtless and disrespectful actions (and the actions of her pathetic "friend") made me wonder WHY I worried about how much she was hurting.  WHY I spent a millisecond on asking about her well-being. WHY I still felt guilty over something that WASN'T MY FAULT, but she chose to blame me rather than realize her OWN lazy actions and bitterness and lying nature and complacency were probably MORE why she ended up alone. 

But worry and wonder I did.

But ask about and suffer guilt I did.

And it was all for nothing.  No, seriously.  NOTHING.  All I ever hoped for, (after I stopped deluding myself that people really WANT happiness and peace with one another - got two slaps in the reality face on that one in the same year - ) was that she would, AT LEAST, begin living well.  Turn her life around.  Go audition.  Take classes.  Get a job that she loves.  ANYTHING to end like those fucking Hollywood movies.   ANYTHING to show us that "she didn't need him" or us.  She gets to be the turn-around story.

Nope.

She became sad.  And sullen.  And angry.  And vindictive.  And BITTER.  And still holding on to some idea.  To quote Clifford Odets, she is "stalled like a fliver in the snow".

Violence is just not cool.  I believe that. But I've imagined how I would beat the daylights out of this bitch if I ever see her again.  It's not in my nature to actually do it, but my fantasies are quite vivid.  I imagine running after her out those doors after she dared slap him and tackling her.  I've imagined yanking her off her feet, putting her on the ground with my knee at her throat, and slapping her the same way she slapped him.  I imagine taking her down and making her admit that I'm some pathetic scapegoat she is desperate to blame because her own life is such a hot mess.  I have a big imagination.  Here's the difference between us:  I'm not gonna actually do it, you pathetic waste of skin.

 I was willing to be her silent champion.  The light of hope in this sad silence that she would figure it out and get her shit together.

Nope.

I don't hold much hope for her to make much of her life as it looks on this path.  Maybe one of her friends will remind her that the best way to grow up is NOT throw drinks and slap people you "don't like".  What, are you in 2nd grade?  

As I very much realize I need to take my OWN advice and "let it go", this is my blog.  So, while I don't actually plan to DO anything to her lazy ass, I do plan to allow myself to be angry. 

I leave you with this quote from my friend Kerry:  "Just remember, some people are like a slinky.  Their only purpose is to be pushed down stairs..."

Thank you Kerry.  And thanks, as always my friends, for letting me vent.

Love and peace to you all,

~Ali

Oh, people, that's lame...

Have you ever heard of revenge by Myspace delete? Well, my friends, I am a victim of it. Yes, dear readers, the previous "jackass" has decided that I am not worthy of his myspace friendship anymore.

I think I'll cry about it. Over milk. That I spilled. WHEN I WAS 6!

Come ON people! This is a 29 year old man with nothing better to do but delete people from his myspace in order to "let them know" they are "not desirable" in his life anymore? Really? Has it come to this?

Now, far be it for me to give credit to another ass-bag, (Jody), from the past, who decided to delete me (although the dog's myspace still has me as a top friend...hmmm). AT LEAST Jody sent an email to accompany his "MYSPACE ATTACK".

Look. I understand. I wrote about him in this blog (Ok, ok. And a previous one. Where he comes off like a jackass...HERE) . I'm not surprised he'd be angry. Actually I'm more surprised he saw it or read it or learned that it exists! Maybe I have more readers than I actually think! Woo hoo! If so, that's pretty awesome. Otherwise, I really don't know HOW he might have learned about it.

OR...it could be that I, having been part of the social network of the lovely lady (one of my best friends) whom he OBVIOUSLY wronged, he decided to use his deleting power for BAD! OH GOD! Two-face is on the warpath! Once a good man turned evil! Holy shit! Run people. Run for your lives!

Come ON!

Best part of this whole thing? Wolter got deleted too! AHAHAHAH! The poor guy had NOTHING to do with the blog. He had NOTHING to do with the jackass coming to the bar that night. As a matter of fact, they actually have a TON of common friends, considering they went to the same college and both studied THEATRE! For crying out loud! Puhlease!

Now, I've thought about this and, truly, Wolter's committed his own crime. He's had sex (and continues to live) with me. This is his crime. Guilty by association. Oh McCarthy. Yes, go ahead, have your little dance. It's come to this: "MYSPACE ATTACK!"

So I say this: Mr. Jackhole-jackass-who-doesn't-know-how-to-treat-people...Good Luck. Good luck in life. I can see it's been working out great for you, so far. Keep deleting. Apparently it's the only power you've got.

Cheers!

Amusement, my friends and dear reader(s) doesn't even BEGIN to describe it!
AHAHAHAHAHAH

And the jackass of the week is...

I'm usually a fairly patient person. Even if I exhibit those moments of irritation or frustration, other than intolerance, racism, etc, I'm pretty non-judgmental.

Except when people fuck with my friends or family.

So there's this guy...let's call him Dick, short for Dickhead.

He dates my friend, pretty seriously, for a few years. They break up. He moves to the city a year or so later. They both date other people. While it didn't end well, it wasn't out of the ordinary for them to run into each other now and then. Many of their friends were friends, etc, etc.

Time goes by. Facebook and Myspace take over the world. They re-connect after a couple of years from one of those "you may know this person" face-space-my-book things.

Both are single.

He makes a spontaneous gesture to meet up with her but she has plans with me. My band is playing and she is, supportively, watching the show. He shows up anyway. He and I have history. His business partner (and close friend) is my ex-fiance. Their people don't talk to my people. But he shows up anyway, gives me a great big hug and says he never cared about the issues and is happy to see me.

I'm glad we have no bad blood.

He hugs my friend and they fall back into their old routine when things were fun and life was sweet and they were both happy.

He gets a call from the business partner that they are having a meeting. He leaves but promises to return after said meeting. He DOES! My friend and I are saying he seems to have changed. The immature jerk that he was when they parted ways seems to have grown up! Happy days!

They go out after my band plays and have a few drinks and make a few plans to see each other again when he comes back from a trip.

Plans are set for an evening (with the right amount of time for one to believe it IS actually a DATE).

The night before, she texts him to make sure plans are still in full-swing and his reply is:
"I don't know, you gonna put-out?"

Now...that could be a joke. I'm willing to laugh at that one. He's gotta a harsh sense of humor and she's like "one of the guys" so it's not too weird...just a bit off...

Before she can respond he texts: "Actually, the guys want me to go out drinking after their show so I may do that instead."

So: Dick has now broken a date with her to go out drinking with the guys. Hmmm....

But then he texts: "We'll be at [bar in the neighborhood] you're more than welcome to join us"

She thinks, "ok, maybe this is a good thing. He's asking me to come out with the guys so maybe he wants it to seem normal between us. This could be ok."

She asks for directions and then gets this text: "Or you could just skip the bar and come tuck me in"

Now she's suspicious. Does he just want to get laid or does he actually want to hang out with her?

So she (in awesome fashion) writes this: "Are you just looking for a warm, wet, hole to stick it in? Or are you just being flirtatious. Hard to tell through text"

Dick replies: "Warm, wet, and familiar. Don't wanna split hairs here."

She is stunned.

Dick then writes: "Eh, maybe we should meet up some other time. Don't wanna hurt you. Not my goal here."

Yeah.

Guess he didn't grow up after all. Good luck with that. ASSHOLE.

P.S. My friend DID NOT reply and obviously DID NOT go meet him at his home or the bar. However, I will state that if he had come anywhere near her that night she'd have probably pulled out his jugular with her teeth. White. Hot. Rage. But, calmly.

If you believe the good...

I have a wonderful teacher who often muses, "If you believe the good criticism, you have to also believe the bad." I appreciate this because I feel as though, even in its sardonic nature, the wisdom behind it is of creating balance. I often seek balance and then often fuck it up, royally, by not maintaining this balance. I know, I know, it's a baby-step process. BUT, I had a small epiphany about this balance today and I wanted to share!

I've often said that when traumatic things happen in my life it takes me longer to process and then respond than most "normal" people. I have a "cat-like-state-of-readiness" in my ability to deal with a crisis. I can shove away any bad/sad/frustrated feelings and just deal with the task at hand. But, when the crisis is over/averted and we come back to stasis, that's when I usually fall to pieces. My family knows this and my friends know this.

So. Doesn't it seem logical that I would realize that when GOOD things happen to me I would respond in the same way? When I'm given a day off or get cast in a show or feel good about my performance that- until all the fanfare has died down and we've returned to stasis- that's when I begin to feel good again?

Interestingly enough. No. It never did occur to me. Until today. So, Ted, in your infinite wisdom about critics: I believe my response to the good will be in proportion to my response to the bad and happen after the normal person would have responded.

Now that I've learned this interesting fact about myself, I feel like I have the power to change it. I don't always enjoy the fact that I'm somewhat of a freak of nature in a situation and feel tension and sadness far longer than I probably should and then have to hide, said feelings, because if I showed how I felt I'd seem crazy. As a matter of fact, it would be something to aspire to actually feel the feelings I'm feeling when I'm feeling them, express those feelings, and then poof! They're gone! Like fully expressed feelings. No guilt. No worry. Just feel it. Express it. And move on.

A life without guilt.

Yup that's a life to strive towards. (Don't mistake a life without guilt as a life without responsibility and consequences. These are not the same)

Anyhow. That's the love I have to share. Going to spend some time with Sparky and read a book that has nothing to do with school whatsoever! Smiles all around.

Love to you all!

Pardon me, are those your nuts on my arm?

The CTA. We take it because we have to. Sometimes it's the difference between a $12.00 cab ride and a $2.00 crammed, crappy, smelly, awful, homeless-begging, iPod-wearing, sick-to-your-stomach, teeth-rattling, bus ride that reminds us that we're happy to have saved a bit of money and still get home safely after being drunk.

The CTA is also used for such things as:

1. Getting to work


2. Coming from work


3. Meeting at various places in the city for various reasons


4. Having a safe place to ride to such places when fully intoxicated


5. Going to a stop where you may depart your bus or train car to then be picked up by another train or bus to finally reach your destination.

There are many things the CTA is for.

Here are some things it is NOT for:

1. Begging for money
















(Isn't there some sort of man code that claims if the bus is empty you take every OTHER seat?)

2. Children


(If only we were lucky enough to have THIS kid)

3. Placing your nuts on my arm

Yes. you read that correctly.

Placing your


on my



My dear friends. Honestly. I'm sitting on the bus. Minding my own business. Next to me is a nice lady. She's minding her own business. Around us are other people. Some are sitting. Some are standing. They too, minding their own business. All of us dealing with the fact that we are a large number of people shoved into a space too small to hold us and have to maneuver around this vehicle of transportation in order to get ourselves to our specific destinations...cheaply.

We stop at the last stop before the bus turns into a mini-express. (The Belmont and Lake Shore Drive stop on the 146 for those of you who know the route). It takes Lake Shore Drive to Michigan Avenue and then exits and proceeds to do various stops on the route at that point.

So, many humans pass by me as I listen to my iPod and gaze out the window at the lake and soon the movement stops and I glance over and notice the wave of people has stopped and we are about to take off on our mini-express.

Well.

This guy sort of presses into my arm. It happens. Usually someone is trying to push past and get a hand rail on the back part of the bus or they see their friend. Whatever. However, the allotted amount of time where he should have released his junk from atop my arm passed.

So I waited a bit longer.

He shifts.

I think, Ok, good he's realized he's shoving his penis into the crook of my arm, he's going to move it.

No.

He shifts and, I swear to you, dear readers, hoisted his pants up and then solidly PLACED HIS NUTS ON MY ARM.

I was, at this point, still staring out the window and the entire thing seemed so absurd and ridiculous that I began laughing.

Hard.

Out loud.

So hard, in fact, the nice lady next to me looked over and probably thought I was laughing at her because, well, she was in the window seat and I was basically staring in her direction.

Junk man doesn't fucking move.

I'm practically hyperventilating I'm laughing so hard and this jackass STILL doesn't move his nuts from my arm!

At this point I couldn't avoid an awkward moment if I did adjust myself so I stay there. A comfy place for his ball sack.

We pull off onto Michigan Avenue and I think that, Ok, we're about to stop at a stop, people will push past and try to get off so he's got to move then right?

Wrong.

Oh no. He just presses further into me and now balls and penis are smooshing into my side boob! I'm mortified, appalled, embarrassed, etc. But I'm unable to look up at the jackass in nice Dockers shoving himself on me!

2 more stops went by when finally (FINALLY!) nut-sack man decided to move to the door because he was exiting at the next stop. He chose the back door so I never did get to see his face. But dear lord, people, I got a whole mess of cash and prizes that day!

Moral of the story:

Always be aware of your personal packages when on the CTA.

(For an added bonus, run your mouse over the pics for some fun insights!)

So it's summer and...

So it's summer! Huzzah! Happiness is touching my soul! So much has happened that I will probably have to bullet-point in order to even get the highlights in:



In no particular order:

1. School's out! For the Summer!!!!


2. Our final show, Hot L Baltimore, went...well.


3. We had our final evaluations at school to determine whether we were being asked back for next year (I am) and what they expect of us (I need to just be a student and stop worrying about "not making it yet")


4. My family went to Disney World for 4 days and had A BLAST! (pictures to come at some point...when I have 3 seconds)


5. I read a non-theatre/non-acting/non-play book! Excitement! (Speaker For The Dead by Orson Scott Card)


6. I am currently reading the next book in the series (Xenocide).


7. I am riding my bike as much as humanly possible (and for those of you who knew about the back-brakes thief, I did get new brakes put on)


8. I am working at both, Victory Gardens AND at Act One (to help pay for tuition next year!)


9. My zoo is doing well...(Chinchilla- McGreevey, Rats - Dante and Wilson, Rabbit - Blue, and Chihuahua dog - Sparky)


10. I have to save $400 by November to get another damned round of headshots! Grrrr. But it's good I'm just grr about the money.


11. Jon and I had a HUGE leak in the kitchen b/c the stupid people in my building use chemicals on crappy pipes. We may have to get a new cabinet for under the sink. It smells gross and musty. Ick.


12. Jon successfully killed and sprayed the plethora of silver fish living in our apartment thanks to the hot water pipe running along the baseboards of the window...and the Section 8 screaming-slob-hicks who live next door to us.


13. For my former dear readers who were interested in my blog about Sarafina the unheeded prophet, the improv went very well. My character did shine throughout and I was happy with the experience overall.


14. Our group of 10 in the conservatory has gone down to 9 b/c one of the girls (the craziest one) has NOT been asked back.


15. I'm going to see Avenue Q in a few days. Truly excited about that show! Saw it in NYC about 6 years ago and fell madly in love with it!


16. I'm drinking a lot of water.


17. I'm having 2 girls nights out in one weekend! I can't believe it. I never have nights out and almost never girl's night's out!


18. There's a bunch of summer movies I'm planning to see: Indiana Jones, Dark Knight, Sex and the City (no judgements, I do have a vagina and I did enjoy that show)


19. I'm ridiculously obsessed with 2 reality shows: Top Chef (until last week at least since I know the chef who was eliminated) and Step it up and Dance (which Jon and I lovingly call Shut up and DANCE!)


20. Fail dogs, fail blog, xkcd, post secret, lol cats, and lol dogs are a few things that make me happy.


21. Also, Scrabbulous.


22. And Peggle. Seriously. Download that game. Popcap games. It's the most addictive thing since Tetris.


23. And I'm learning that whether you believe in Karma or not, it does mete out justice in its own way.

Whew. Is that enough? I'm sure I forgot some other important points. Ah well. Lovely thing about blogs and only 3 readers, you can edit and add things and it doesn't cause much grief in the grand scheme of things.

Cheers and happy days!

(Thank you fail blog for this hysterical post below. I laughed so hard it hurt!)