Discipline breeds pettiness

Hello, dear reader(s), I have been exercising.  On a schedule.  With a plan to "become healthy", or healthier, in the long run.  And, of course, to change the shape my body has decided to take.  Personally I was hoping for the shape of a trapezoid, but I'm told that would take painful measures and tons of staples.  So, I've opted for society's "healthy in-shape girl!".  Ah well.

For an obsessive compulsive with anxiety issues, like myself, I find it difficult to allow myself to actually carve out time in my ridiculously busy schedule to focus on ME and do something for ME.  It all seems like a sacrifice and a waste of good sleep or other I-could-be-doing-something-more-productive time.  But, the truth is, most of the hour I, now, use to workout, used to be spent stressing over how much crap I have to do.  It was not productive at all.  It was just a crappy waste of time.

So, dear reader, I've decided to make myself #1.

This, of course, means I get to complain, bemoan, and bitch heartily about what a complete cunt this person is.  This horrible fascist¹ who is making my body do all these incredibly frustrating, muscle-fatiguing things...ME.

This entry is an example of my pettiness.

Normally I work out at 6am.  It's early enough that I can workout for an hour and still shower, eat breakfast, and get on the bus for school.  However we had a day off so I slept in.  I was planning to get some paperwork done and some things off my to-do list.  However, I couldn't concentrate because I knew I needed to workout.  So, with the knowledge, I changed into my workout clothes, checked the time and thought about which workout I wanted to do.

START IT UP
This is the easier (albeit I still sweat like hell) 24 minute workout. No resistance band work or real mat work (except push-ups and mini-abs) thus it is called: Start it up

RAMP IT UP
This is the intermediate workout (resistance bands and mat work included with abs and extra push-ups and yoga at the end). This one is 47 minutes. It kicks me in the nuts.  It's called: Ramp it Up

I'm cranky and don't really WANT to do the harder workout. But I know it's better for me. But I really don't want to. But I know in the end I'll be happier. But I really don't want to.

So I decide to flip a coin.

Heads = Start it up, 

Tails = Ramp it up.

or 

Heads = Pussy workout

Tails = Less Pussy workout

I grab a trusty nickel.  

(What?  Nickels are trusty!)

I flip the coin.

And it drops on the floor.

Tails. Ramp it up.

Well, I think maybe it's only fair if I actually catch the coin after the toss so...

I flip it again.

And I catch it.

And it's TAILS again.

Hmmmm....well, maybe two out of three (or three out of five if you count the one on the floor)

So I flip it AGAIN.

And it's TAILS AGAIN!

I sigh. And put in the damned DVD of Ramp it Up.

And now it's over. 

And I DO feel better.

And I'm glad I did the harder workout. But, seriously....

Fuck You Coin.

(For those of you who like the visual type of blog, see below)

I toss the first coin.  It lands on the floor.  AND it's Tails

I flip the coin again.  I catch it.  It's TAILS, again.

I flip the coin the 3rd time.  It's Tails. AGAIN.

Fuck you, coin.

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1. As I've told Wolter, in the past, swastikas are funny.

Things that go flying off my wall...

So when I got engaged, I was given this beautiful ceramic picture that had part of Shakespere's Sonnet 116 carved into it.

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

It is one of the few engagement gifts I didn't actually give back (my aunt told me to keep it) so I hung it up. The other day, out of nowhere, after 3 fucking years, it decides to magically fly off the wall and shatter into a million pieces. So. I think that's the Universe telling me I should "let go" of the past a bit.

I'm working on that.

Today was also a tough day because I was told that my "emotions" seem somewhat "forced" or coming from a place where I thought I was "supposed" to be emotional. What was tough was that even though I'm sure I am still blocked from my past (hell, show me someone who isn't) it was really awful to be told that I was working from a non-truthful place IN MY OWN BODY.

Well, fuck that! I mean, I don't even get to trust my BODY anymore? Really? I can't trust that my emotions are where I think they are because I'm blocked even deeper than my emotions are allowed to go?

So does that mean when I cry, I'm not REALLY crying? Or if I feel angry, I'm not REALLY feeling anger? I'm forcing what I think I'm supposed to feel? How it's supposed to look?

Kinda makes me wonder who the fuck I am right now. 'Cause, obviously, I'm not actually me. If I am, I don't know who that is. And right now I'm questioning if I've ever shared, even with MYSELF, any real emotions EVER.

Yup. It's been a grand day, my friends

If you believe the good...

I have a wonderful teacher who often muses, "If you believe the good criticism, you have to also believe the bad." I appreciate this because I feel as though, even in its sardonic nature, the wisdom behind it is of creating balance. I often seek balance and then often fuck it up, royally, by not maintaining this balance. I know, I know, it's a baby-step process. BUT, I had a small epiphany about this balance today and I wanted to share!

I've often said that when traumatic things happen in my life it takes me longer to process and then respond than most "normal" people. I have a "cat-like-state-of-readiness" in my ability to deal with a crisis. I can shove away any bad/sad/frustrated feelings and just deal with the task at hand. But, when the crisis is over/averted and we come back to stasis, that's when I usually fall to pieces. My family knows this and my friends know this.

So. Doesn't it seem logical that I would realize that when GOOD things happen to me I would respond in the same way? When I'm given a day off or get cast in a show or feel good about my performance that- until all the fanfare has died down and we've returned to stasis- that's when I begin to feel good again?

Interestingly enough. No. It never did occur to me. Until today. So, Ted, in your infinite wisdom about critics: I believe my response to the good will be in proportion to my response to the bad and happen after the normal person would have responded.

Now that I've learned this interesting fact about myself, I feel like I have the power to change it. I don't always enjoy the fact that I'm somewhat of a freak of nature in a situation and feel tension and sadness far longer than I probably should and then have to hide, said feelings, because if I showed how I felt I'd seem crazy. As a matter of fact, it would be something to aspire to actually feel the feelings I'm feeling when I'm feeling them, express those feelings, and then poof! They're gone! Like fully expressed feelings. No guilt. No worry. Just feel it. Express it. And move on.

A life without guilt.

Yup that's a life to strive towards. (Don't mistake a life without guilt as a life without responsibility and consequences. These are not the same)

Anyhow. That's the love I have to share. Going to spend some time with Sparky and read a book that has nothing to do with school whatsoever! Smiles all around.

Love to you all!

A moment of clarity

It bugs me when people don't like me. Sometimes I can let it go because it seems weird or irrational to me. However, when I feel like I have been myself, tried to make an effort, done my work (if it's a co-worker or boss or teacher), apologized if I've done wrong, etc. it boggles my mind why someone would just decide, for no reason other than they "just don't like me" to not like me.

I forget that often these people are dealing with their own insecurities and their own issues and I may resemble those things to them. Sometimes.

This time, it took a few jabs at my ego and a few pointed comments to make me realize that sometimes people don't want to make the effort. Sometimes people are just that bitter. Bitterness. Man, I've been teetering on that road for a while. I hate that road and I really don't feel like myself when I'm on it. It's addicting, though. It's easy to feel like you're accomplishing something when you jump on it. It motivates you, gets your blood pumping, makes you have a goal, it fills your sad and empty soul up with SOMETHING. You begin to believe that you NEED the bitterness in order to survive. I did. I was starting to. I don't want it anymore. I'm walking away from that path with my head up and a bit of clarity.

I've been so busy worrying about later and success and acheiving some weird goal I set out for myself in an effort to have something to shoot for (go goal-oriented people), I completely forgot who I was and, honestly, I'm a pretty good person. I love animals. I love people. I will go out of my way for my friends and family and, honestly, it's about fucking time I allow myself some time to fall back in love with ME. I've spent so much time beating myself up for feeling badly. Beating myself up for hurting other people. Beating myself up for taking the time to beat myself up! I've forgotten that we all make mistakes. We all choose things we're not always the most proud of. We've all wished we could have "played that out differently". But they never taught me in school how to forgive myself for not "getting it" right away. Whatever "it" was. I always believed I was just an idiot if I didn't understand immediately. I wanted to be successful right away because if I wasn't it meant I didn't get the job or the callback or the audition or the agent. It meant that I would get smeared by the critics and people would remember what a bad actor I am and that would translate into being a terrible person.

I'm not a terrible person.

I'm a good, and decent person who loves to bring people together with the right projects. I'm a good and decent person who takes the time to listen and care about others feelings. I'm a good and decent person who doesn't feel afraid or bitter when others succeed. I ENJOY the success of those I love.

I love Chicago theatre. Most of the time, we HELP each other acheive things. It's for the good of the show. It's for the better of the experience. I LOVE that. I'm tired of trying to "get it" on the first try and thinking I've FAILED because it takes me a little while to get there. It's ok. The more I do it, the better I'll get.

I won't be like her. I won't teach a student 15 years younger than me and "act as if" I'm critiquing her classwork when I'm really scared shitless she's getting the roles I should have gotten at her age. Or will. Or might. I'm done going down her path. I will work in her class but her opinion is just that. I will learn from what she teaches me (maybe not right away but I will) and I will thank her, eternally grateful, that I've seen what could have been if I don't start to fix it now.

Dulling the edges and enjoying the view.

I think I'm finally "getting it". But if I'm not, or there's more to "get", well, Ok. I'm kinda OK with that right now.

Love and love and love and peace to all.

My Zoo

I know people think I'm crazy to live in a studio with a dog, a rabbit, a chinchilla, 2 rats and my boyfriend. It does get busy around here. But the truth is, I LOVE them all. And while Wolter and I recognize we may have gone "overboard" considering the space we actually have, we just love these little guys too much to not do everything possible for them.







Which brings me to Wilson.























He's the one on the right.

The little one.

And he's sick.

Wolter and I are really concerned about him and have gone out of our way to help him since he's pretty young, for a rat.


Our vet came in on his day off to give him medications and treatments because HE was worried about him.


After mucho money was spent, we finally took him home in hopes he would turn the corner and start getting better. This has yet to happen. He takes a few steps in the right direction and then falls backwards.


We're trying to keep a positive outlook and the vet tells us he gave him some steroids which might have compromised his immune system. This reason could be why he's not "getting better faster".


So we're playing a waiting game. I take him in next Thursday for a visit so hopefully there will be better news after that.


People might think we're crazy but we love the little guy. He's wicked smart and too cute for words.


Other than that, financially we're swirling around an unflushable toilet. I'm hoping that after picking up some shifts at VGT I'll be able to help re-build the savings we've hemhorraged for various needs.


Being poor gets really old really fast. However, Wolter and I will be living financially "strapped" for, at least, another year while I finish school at ACT ONE. After that ends, I will, hopefully, be able to pay off my tuition with "work study" hours (as I'm currently doing from now through the rest of the semester) and get a job/job to help supplement the financial strain my dream is putting on me and this wonderful guy who has agreed to support me, live in a tiny apartment, cook, clean often, put up with my emotional insanity, and be all-around a wonderful person.



He's the tits.









































Maybe he'll read this and realize that sometimes I suck at saying it out loud, but he's wonderful.



:)



Happier blog in the future, I'm sure. Keep Wilson in your thoughts if you're able. He's a sweetie who deserves all the good vibes he can get.

So it's summer and...

So it's summer! Huzzah! Happiness is touching my soul! So much has happened that I will probably have to bullet-point in order to even get the highlights in:



In no particular order:

1. School's out! For the Summer!!!!


2. Our final show, Hot L Baltimore, went...well.


3. We had our final evaluations at school to determine whether we were being asked back for next year (I am) and what they expect of us (I need to just be a student and stop worrying about "not making it yet")


4. My family went to Disney World for 4 days and had A BLAST! (pictures to come at some point...when I have 3 seconds)


5. I read a non-theatre/non-acting/non-play book! Excitement! (Speaker For The Dead by Orson Scott Card)


6. I am currently reading the next book in the series (Xenocide).


7. I am riding my bike as much as humanly possible (and for those of you who knew about the back-brakes thief, I did get new brakes put on)


8. I am working at both, Victory Gardens AND at Act One (to help pay for tuition next year!)


9. My zoo is doing well...(Chinchilla- McGreevey, Rats - Dante and Wilson, Rabbit - Blue, and Chihuahua dog - Sparky)


10. I have to save $400 by November to get another damned round of headshots! Grrrr. But it's good I'm just grr about the money.


11. Jon and I had a HUGE leak in the kitchen b/c the stupid people in my building use chemicals on crappy pipes. We may have to get a new cabinet for under the sink. It smells gross and musty. Ick.


12. Jon successfully killed and sprayed the plethora of silver fish living in our apartment thanks to the hot water pipe running along the baseboards of the window...and the Section 8 screaming-slob-hicks who live next door to us.


13. For my former dear readers who were interested in my blog about Sarafina the unheeded prophet, the improv went very well. My character did shine throughout and I was happy with the experience overall.


14. Our group of 10 in the conservatory has gone down to 9 b/c one of the girls (the craziest one) has NOT been asked back.


15. I'm going to see Avenue Q in a few days. Truly excited about that show! Saw it in NYC about 6 years ago and fell madly in love with it!


16. I'm drinking a lot of water.


17. I'm having 2 girls nights out in one weekend! I can't believe it. I never have nights out and almost never girl's night's out!


18. There's a bunch of summer movies I'm planning to see: Indiana Jones, Dark Knight, Sex and the City (no judgements, I do have a vagina and I did enjoy that show)


19. I'm ridiculously obsessed with 2 reality shows: Top Chef (until last week at least since I know the chef who was eliminated) and Step it up and Dance (which Jon and I lovingly call Shut up and DANCE!)


20. Fail dogs, fail blog, xkcd, post secret, lol cats, and lol dogs are a few things that make me happy.


21. Also, Scrabbulous.


22. And Peggle. Seriously. Download that game. Popcap games. It's the most addictive thing since Tetris.


23. And I'm learning that whether you believe in Karma or not, it does mete out justice in its own way.

Whew. Is that enough? I'm sure I forgot some other important points. Ah well. Lovely thing about blogs and only 3 readers, you can edit and add things and it doesn't cause much grief in the grand scheme of things.

Cheers and happy days!

(Thank you fail blog for this hysterical post below. I laughed so hard it hurt!)

Secrets and Lies

Many of my 2 readers know I'm in school. Specifically I am in a conservatory program at ACT ONE studios. It's pretty great, considering it's only the 3rd year in the history of the conservatory program.¹

Classes include such gems as: Improvisation for Actors².

My teacher for this class is a staple of the Canadian Second City³ and a well-respected teacher of this work. He even wrote a book recently!⁴

Anyhow, we've started a project for the end of the semester. We were all given the assignment to search archetypes and figure out which one we wanted to be. Then we had a lengthy discussion on what an archetype is and why would we want to be this particular one. We were NOT to think about story or relationships. Just archetypes. Just pick one.⁵

Once we'd gotten sort of squared away with a choice⁶ and listed them on the infamous white board required now for schools, he explained how we were to create this improv one-act.

He begins by asking the class a question⁷: "Who has seen the movie Secrets and Lies by Mike Leigh?" No one raised their hand to agree that we had, and my teacher got a little frustrated and said, "I've been mentioning this movie since the beginning of the semester⁸ so why haven't ANY of you watched it yet?"

Um, yeah, I missed that one. Not because I wanted to (got a great cast and all) but it's not readily available in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ya Canadian! Sheesh!

So this now becomes the assignment. Well, Netflix doesn't always deliver on time and one of my wonderful classmates⁹ decided to find it at the library. What a good man! He watched it and then loaned it out to the rest of us to watch. I got it on Thursday night (class is on Fridays) and planned to bring it back on Friday morning.

Other than falling asleep while it was on, I understood why we had to watch the movie. It was definitely not the best movie I've ever seen, however, the concept is a good one. The characters were created in an improv and it wasn't until Mike Leigh¹⁰ had them flesh out the characters did he then put it all together in a story. In many cases the actors have no idea who they will be acting with until they get to the scene. "Brilliant"! I suppose.

So feeling like a person who finally "got" the joke¹¹ I was prepared to discuss this lukewarm movie in class. I go to eject the tape from my VCR machine. It does not want to release it. Hell hath no fury like the one I unleashed on the VCR. It still would not release the tape. For more fun and hellish interest on HOW we¹², ok JON convinced the machine to release the library's property, read this.

Here are a few pictures of the end results for your viewing pleasure.

You feel important. Don't you?

We BEAT YOU VCR! Wolter, Dr. Scotch, and ME!

The "fun" part about class was getting to create some information on our "character". Refresher: I am a prophet. Our teacher didn't want us to "think" about our characters, but we should put pen to paper and just write (for 10 minutes) continually about our character. He gave us some "starter" questions to help us along. Here were my answers to the questions¹³ my teacher asked us in trying to help us "Write! Not Think!"

Bathroom
25
My pet puppy
Never saving anyone
Seeing the future
Can't save anyone
Someone will listen
Smiles
Rejection
Tiresies
No children
Joan of Arc
Ted Hoerl
Baseball
Picture of my mother in a jeweled frame
Hearing the "word"
By motorbike

Upon the completion of the exercise to "Write! Don't Think!" we had to read, as the character, what we wrote. Even the nonsense. In fact, the nonsense was the most fun¹⁴!

As I sit here on Spring Break¹⁵ I remember the last thing he asked of us before we left for the week. "I want you to write more as your character and bring it in to class".

So...I decided to begin a series of blogs by The Prophet. She will be here soon to "borrow" this site and speak about her trials and tribulations and...well...life.

Stay tuned.

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1. Many know of ACT ONE since they've been teaching actors for years. The actual conservatory is only 3 years old. So no letters...thanks. :)
2. Folks in the biz call it "improv". We're in the know.
3. Posers
4. Probably much more enjoyable than it sounds. Really. Probably.
5. Seriously, I'm the 2nd oldest person in my class and watching my teacher explain this PROCESS to my classmates was one of the most irritating things to endure. I got my sudoku-for-the-day done, though.
6. I picked mine really fuckin' quick. I'm a prophet. Yes. I. Am.
7. Teachers never learn. They never fucking learn.
8. No. No, you haven't. I listen. You haven't.
9. He's the oldest one in our program. He's 53. He could be my dad. And for some of my classmates, he could be their granddad. AHAHAHAHAH! The elderly.
10. Genius or douchebag. You decide.
11. Rectum, darn near killed him.
12. The Jon Wolter (owner and writer of THE SLOG blog) a guy I spend copious amounts of time with.
13. Demands
14. Like Disney World, but smaller.
15. Excuse to drink excessively and do NO work.