Full-on ANGRY, nearly 3 months later

Yup.  It's true. I'm fucking pissed.  And I'm tired of feeling guilty for my feelings.  I'm tired of feeling sorry for pathetic fat sacks of shit who believe the world is there to feed, clothe, and take care of them while they eat and drunkenly stumble their way through life.

I'm SICK of it.

Now, honestly, most of my anger is centered around one obnoxious and sad, pitiful human.  I was angry 3 months ago, tried to find my peace with it, but, truly, I'M STILL FUCKING PISSED OFF.

We talk about what "being the mature one" really means.  The fact that I didn't pummel her ass is its own grace of goodness.  She deserved it that night.  Her actions, her thoughtless and disrespectful actions (and the actions of her pathetic "friend") made me wonder WHY I worried about how much she was hurting.  WHY I spent a millisecond on asking about her well-being. WHY I still felt guilty over something that WASN'T MY FAULT, but she chose to blame me rather than realize her OWN lazy actions and bitterness and lying nature and complacency were probably MORE why she ended up alone. 

But worry and wonder I did.

But ask about and suffer guilt I did.

And it was all for nothing.  No, seriously.  NOTHING.  All I ever hoped for, (after I stopped deluding myself that people really WANT happiness and peace with one another - got two slaps in the reality face on that one in the same year - ) was that she would, AT LEAST, begin living well.  Turn her life around.  Go audition.  Take classes.  Get a job that she loves.  ANYTHING to end like those fucking Hollywood movies.   ANYTHING to show us that "she didn't need him" or us.  She gets to be the turn-around story.

Nope.

She became sad.  And sullen.  And angry.  And vindictive.  And BITTER.  And still holding on to some idea.  To quote Clifford Odets, she is "stalled like a fliver in the snow".

Violence is just not cool.  I believe that. But I've imagined how I would beat the daylights out of this bitch if I ever see her again.  It's not in my nature to actually do it, but my fantasies are quite vivid.  I imagine running after her out those doors after she dared slap him and tackling her.  I've imagined yanking her off her feet, putting her on the ground with my knee at her throat, and slapping her the same way she slapped him.  I imagine taking her down and making her admit that I'm some pathetic scapegoat she is desperate to blame because her own life is such a hot mess.  I have a big imagination.  Here's the difference between us:  I'm not gonna actually do it, you pathetic waste of skin.

 I was willing to be her silent champion.  The light of hope in this sad silence that she would figure it out and get her shit together.

Nope.

I don't hold much hope for her to make much of her life as it looks on this path.  Maybe one of her friends will remind her that the best way to grow up is NOT throw drinks and slap people you "don't like".  What, are you in 2nd grade?  

As I very much realize I need to take my OWN advice and "let it go", this is my blog.  So, while I don't actually plan to DO anything to her lazy ass, I do plan to allow myself to be angry. 

I leave you with this quote from my friend Kerry:  "Just remember, some people are like a slinky.  Their only purpose is to be pushed down stairs..."

Thank you Kerry.  And thanks, as always my friends, for letting me vent.

Love and peace to you all,

~Ali

Discipline breeds pettiness

Hello, dear reader(s), I have been exercising.  On a schedule.  With a plan to "become healthy", or healthier, in the long run.  And, of course, to change the shape my body has decided to take.  Personally I was hoping for the shape of a trapezoid, but I'm told that would take painful measures and tons of staples.  So, I've opted for society's "healthy in-shape girl!".  Ah well.

For an obsessive compulsive with anxiety issues, like myself, I find it difficult to allow myself to actually carve out time in my ridiculously busy schedule to focus on ME and do something for ME.  It all seems like a sacrifice and a waste of good sleep or other I-could-be-doing-something-more-productive time.  But, the truth is, most of the hour I, now, use to workout, used to be spent stressing over how much crap I have to do.  It was not productive at all.  It was just a crappy waste of time.

So, dear reader, I've decided to make myself #1.

This, of course, means I get to complain, bemoan, and bitch heartily about what a complete cunt this person is.  This horrible fascist¹ who is making my body do all these incredibly frustrating, muscle-fatiguing things...ME.

This entry is an example of my pettiness.

Normally I work out at 6am.  It's early enough that I can workout for an hour and still shower, eat breakfast, and get on the bus for school.  However we had a day off so I slept in.  I was planning to get some paperwork done and some things off my to-do list.  However, I couldn't concentrate because I knew I needed to workout.  So, with the knowledge, I changed into my workout clothes, checked the time and thought about which workout I wanted to do.

START IT UP
This is the easier (albeit I still sweat like hell) 24 minute workout. No resistance band work or real mat work (except push-ups and mini-abs) thus it is called: Start it up

RAMP IT UP
This is the intermediate workout (resistance bands and mat work included with abs and extra push-ups and yoga at the end). This one is 47 minutes. It kicks me in the nuts.  It's called: Ramp it Up

I'm cranky and don't really WANT to do the harder workout. But I know it's better for me. But I really don't want to. But I know in the end I'll be happier. But I really don't want to.

So I decide to flip a coin.

Heads = Start it up, 

Tails = Ramp it up.

or 

Heads = Pussy workout

Tails = Less Pussy workout

I grab a trusty nickel.  

(What?  Nickels are trusty!)

I flip the coin.

And it drops on the floor.

Tails. Ramp it up.

Well, I think maybe it's only fair if I actually catch the coin after the toss so...

I flip it again.

And I catch it.

And it's TAILS again.

Hmmmm....well, maybe two out of three (or three out of five if you count the one on the floor)

So I flip it AGAIN.

And it's TAILS AGAIN!

I sigh. And put in the damned DVD of Ramp it Up.

And now it's over. 

And I DO feel better.

And I'm glad I did the harder workout. But, seriously....

Fuck You Coin.

(For those of you who like the visual type of blog, see below)

I toss the first coin.  It lands on the floor.  AND it's Tails

I flip the coin again.  I catch it.  It's TAILS, again.

I flip the coin the 3rd time.  It's Tails. AGAIN.

Fuck you, coin.

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1. As I've told Wolter, in the past, swastikas are funny.

A moment of clarity

It bugs me when people don't like me. Sometimes I can let it go because it seems weird or irrational to me. However, when I feel like I have been myself, tried to make an effort, done my work (if it's a co-worker or boss or teacher), apologized if I've done wrong, etc. it boggles my mind why someone would just decide, for no reason other than they "just don't like me" to not like me.

I forget that often these people are dealing with their own insecurities and their own issues and I may resemble those things to them. Sometimes.

This time, it took a few jabs at my ego and a few pointed comments to make me realize that sometimes people don't want to make the effort. Sometimes people are just that bitter. Bitterness. Man, I've been teetering on that road for a while. I hate that road and I really don't feel like myself when I'm on it. It's addicting, though. It's easy to feel like you're accomplishing something when you jump on it. It motivates you, gets your blood pumping, makes you have a goal, it fills your sad and empty soul up with SOMETHING. You begin to believe that you NEED the bitterness in order to survive. I did. I was starting to. I don't want it anymore. I'm walking away from that path with my head up and a bit of clarity.

I've been so busy worrying about later and success and acheiving some weird goal I set out for myself in an effort to have something to shoot for (go goal-oriented people), I completely forgot who I was and, honestly, I'm a pretty good person. I love animals. I love people. I will go out of my way for my friends and family and, honestly, it's about fucking time I allow myself some time to fall back in love with ME. I've spent so much time beating myself up for feeling badly. Beating myself up for hurting other people. Beating myself up for taking the time to beat myself up! I've forgotten that we all make mistakes. We all choose things we're not always the most proud of. We've all wished we could have "played that out differently". But they never taught me in school how to forgive myself for not "getting it" right away. Whatever "it" was. I always believed I was just an idiot if I didn't understand immediately. I wanted to be successful right away because if I wasn't it meant I didn't get the job or the callback or the audition or the agent. It meant that I would get smeared by the critics and people would remember what a bad actor I am and that would translate into being a terrible person.

I'm not a terrible person.

I'm a good, and decent person who loves to bring people together with the right projects. I'm a good and decent person who takes the time to listen and care about others feelings. I'm a good and decent person who doesn't feel afraid or bitter when others succeed. I ENJOY the success of those I love.

I love Chicago theatre. Most of the time, we HELP each other acheive things. It's for the good of the show. It's for the better of the experience. I LOVE that. I'm tired of trying to "get it" on the first try and thinking I've FAILED because it takes me a little while to get there. It's ok. The more I do it, the better I'll get.

I won't be like her. I won't teach a student 15 years younger than me and "act as if" I'm critiquing her classwork when I'm really scared shitless she's getting the roles I should have gotten at her age. Or will. Or might. I'm done going down her path. I will work in her class but her opinion is just that. I will learn from what she teaches me (maybe not right away but I will) and I will thank her, eternally grateful, that I've seen what could have been if I don't start to fix it now.

Dulling the edges and enjoying the view.

I think I'm finally "getting it". But if I'm not, or there's more to "get", well, Ok. I'm kinda OK with that right now.

Love and love and love and peace to all.