Because I am happy!

Ok all you wonderfully cynical bastards out there. :)  I just wanted to say that I am HAPPY. While I'm aware that Valentine's Day is, technically, a Hallmark holiday...I don't care.  I'm giddy and happy and excited to say that I have a wonderful man who loves me and puts up with my crap and I get to spend the day with him.

However, I would like to point out that if I didn't have him (or someone even remotely equal in quality) I might be somewhat cranky and cynical.  Yet, I surely hope I would not just be with SOMEONE to just have someone.  If that makes sense.  

More than anything, I am HAPPY.  Not relieved to have a Valentine.  Not thankful I don't have to endure the evening alone.  I am a happy person.  It is not solely due to being with this wonderful guy, but he enhances that happiness in me.  

So, there it is.  I'm giddy and excited and pleased to say I feel good about ME.  So, for the first time I am happy to say I'm happy with ME.  And I'm thrilled I get to experience that with someone who is pretty freakin' awesome. :)

Sorry if I made some of you throw up a little in your mouth.  

But I'm happy.

So there!  :)

(Love you all! And have an incredibly wonderful Valentine's Day!  Open your heart and make sure you love yourself.  All forms of "love" acceptable.)

And the jackass of the week is...

I'm usually a fairly patient person. Even if I exhibit those moments of irritation or frustration, other than intolerance, racism, etc, I'm pretty non-judgmental.

Except when people fuck with my friends or family.

So there's this guy...let's call him Dick, short for Dickhead.

He dates my friend, pretty seriously, for a few years. They break up. He moves to the city a year or so later. They both date other people. While it didn't end well, it wasn't out of the ordinary for them to run into each other now and then. Many of their friends were friends, etc, etc.

Time goes by. Facebook and Myspace take over the world. They re-connect after a couple of years from one of those "you may know this person" face-space-my-book things.

Both are single.

He makes a spontaneous gesture to meet up with her but she has plans with me. My band is playing and she is, supportively, watching the show. He shows up anyway. He and I have history. His business partner (and close friend) is my ex-fiance. Their people don't talk to my people. But he shows up anyway, gives me a great big hug and says he never cared about the issues and is happy to see me.

I'm glad we have no bad blood.

He hugs my friend and they fall back into their old routine when things were fun and life was sweet and they were both happy.

He gets a call from the business partner that they are having a meeting. He leaves but promises to return after said meeting. He DOES! My friend and I are saying he seems to have changed. The immature jerk that he was when they parted ways seems to have grown up! Happy days!

They go out after my band plays and have a few drinks and make a few plans to see each other again when he comes back from a trip.

Plans are set for an evening (with the right amount of time for one to believe it IS actually a DATE).

The night before, she texts him to make sure plans are still in full-swing and his reply is:
"I don't know, you gonna put-out?"

Now...that could be a joke. I'm willing to laugh at that one. He's gotta a harsh sense of humor and she's like "one of the guys" so it's not too weird...just a bit off...

Before she can respond he texts: "Actually, the guys want me to go out drinking after their show so I may do that instead."

So: Dick has now broken a date with her to go out drinking with the guys. Hmmm....

But then he texts: "We'll be at [bar in the neighborhood] you're more than welcome to join us"

She thinks, "ok, maybe this is a good thing. He's asking me to come out with the guys so maybe he wants it to seem normal between us. This could be ok."

She asks for directions and then gets this text: "Or you could just skip the bar and come tuck me in"

Now she's suspicious. Does he just want to get laid or does he actually want to hang out with her?

So she (in awesome fashion) writes this: "Are you just looking for a warm, wet, hole to stick it in? Or are you just being flirtatious. Hard to tell through text"

Dick replies: "Warm, wet, and familiar. Don't wanna split hairs here."

She is stunned.

Dick then writes: "Eh, maybe we should meet up some other time. Don't wanna hurt you. Not my goal here."

Yeah.

Guess he didn't grow up after all. Good luck with that. ASSHOLE.

P.S. My friend DID NOT reply and obviously DID NOT go meet him at his home or the bar. However, I will state that if he had come anywhere near her that night she'd have probably pulled out his jugular with her teeth. White. Hot. Rage. But, calmly.

Pardon me, are those your nuts on my arm?

The CTA. We take it because we have to. Sometimes it's the difference between a $12.00 cab ride and a $2.00 crammed, crappy, smelly, awful, homeless-begging, iPod-wearing, sick-to-your-stomach, teeth-rattling, bus ride that reminds us that we're happy to have saved a bit of money and still get home safely after being drunk.

The CTA is also used for such things as:

1. Getting to work


2. Coming from work


3. Meeting at various places in the city for various reasons


4. Having a safe place to ride to such places when fully intoxicated


5. Going to a stop where you may depart your bus or train car to then be picked up by another train or bus to finally reach your destination.

There are many things the CTA is for.

Here are some things it is NOT for:

1. Begging for money
















(Isn't there some sort of man code that claims if the bus is empty you take every OTHER seat?)

2. Children


(If only we were lucky enough to have THIS kid)

3. Placing your nuts on my arm

Yes. you read that correctly.

Placing your


on my



My dear friends. Honestly. I'm sitting on the bus. Minding my own business. Next to me is a nice lady. She's minding her own business. Around us are other people. Some are sitting. Some are standing. They too, minding their own business. All of us dealing with the fact that we are a large number of people shoved into a space too small to hold us and have to maneuver around this vehicle of transportation in order to get ourselves to our specific destinations...cheaply.

We stop at the last stop before the bus turns into a mini-express. (The Belmont and Lake Shore Drive stop on the 146 for those of you who know the route). It takes Lake Shore Drive to Michigan Avenue and then exits and proceeds to do various stops on the route at that point.

So, many humans pass by me as I listen to my iPod and gaze out the window at the lake and soon the movement stops and I glance over and notice the wave of people has stopped and we are about to take off on our mini-express.

Well.

This guy sort of presses into my arm. It happens. Usually someone is trying to push past and get a hand rail on the back part of the bus or they see their friend. Whatever. However, the allotted amount of time where he should have released his junk from atop my arm passed.

So I waited a bit longer.

He shifts.

I think, Ok, good he's realized he's shoving his penis into the crook of my arm, he's going to move it.

No.

He shifts and, I swear to you, dear readers, hoisted his pants up and then solidly PLACED HIS NUTS ON MY ARM.

I was, at this point, still staring out the window and the entire thing seemed so absurd and ridiculous that I began laughing.

Hard.

Out loud.

So hard, in fact, the nice lady next to me looked over and probably thought I was laughing at her because, well, she was in the window seat and I was basically staring in her direction.

Junk man doesn't fucking move.

I'm practically hyperventilating I'm laughing so hard and this jackass STILL doesn't move his nuts from my arm!

At this point I couldn't avoid an awkward moment if I did adjust myself so I stay there. A comfy place for his ball sack.

We pull off onto Michigan Avenue and I think that, Ok, we're about to stop at a stop, people will push past and try to get off so he's got to move then right?

Wrong.

Oh no. He just presses further into me and now balls and penis are smooshing into my side boob! I'm mortified, appalled, embarrassed, etc. But I'm unable to look up at the jackass in nice Dockers shoving himself on me!

2 more stops went by when finally (FINALLY!) nut-sack man decided to move to the door because he was exiting at the next stop. He chose the back door so I never did get to see his face. But dear lord, people, I got a whole mess of cash and prizes that day!

Moral of the story:

Always be aware of your personal packages when on the CTA.

(For an added bonus, run your mouse over the pics for some fun insights!)