Actor Taking a Stand (Part 2)

One of my beloved teachers and mentors, Ted, told me a good actor is a smart actor. An actor who does his/her homework and researches and learns, will be an overall BETTER actor. I've always believed this.

I find myself to be a perpetual student. A student of life, a student of knowledge, a student of puzzles. It is difficult to come to grips with the fact that there really is no "right" answer all the time, in acting. However: Casting Directors, Theatre Directors, Producers, fellow Actors, Writers will constantly use this term when they are talking about one thing: the acting BUSINESS.

"There is a 'right' way to send in a submission"
"There is a 'right' way to act when entering an audition room
"There is a 'right' way to approach an auditor at a party or on the street"



The business side of acting:

It's ugly, we don't like it, but most of us have learned over time that there is more than just 'nailing the monologue'.

So, like a good student who wants to learn the most she can, I study. I read all the books/articles/blogs I can get a hold of. I ask former teachers, collegues, friends, etc. to help me be a contender in this business.

Here are some things present in almost every tip I've gotten and every book/article/blog I've read:

WRITE THANK YOU NOTES

Something I do very well is write thank you notes. Mom ingrained that notion when I was a little girl and for every present I am sent, a thank you note goes out. The same thing goes for acting. I send them to theatre companies, casting directors, directors, or whomever I know the name of that took the time to audition me. In my opinion, it's a NICE gesture.

I will note here, that I've only ever received 7, yes SEVEN responses from companies that have THANKED ME for coming into their auditions/callbacks. That's all.  In the day and age of the internet where everyone has an email address, it's astounding that the other side doesn't think that it would feel good to give a thank you. I gotta say, I don't even mind when they are FORM email thank you's! They are so far and few between I'm pleased as punch to GET one.

BE PLEASANT TO EVERYONE

This one also seems like common sense, but you never know. I am pleasant to EVERYONE at an audition. Having BEEN a casting director, producer, writer, assistant director, monitor, I've learned that you have NO IDEA who is actually giving you the "sheet to fill out" or your "on-deck".

So, it also helps when the monitor is pleasant to us. I've had MANY an experience of feeling "afraid" to ask a question of the monitor for fear she/he will be "annoyed" with my "stupid" question. I've seen monitors roll their eyes and act just as unprofessionally as can be while actors are trying to get centered and work on their "moment before". Also, keep us updated on a situation. If things are running behind, just alert us. Keep us informed and you'll meet with a much more patient group of people. We know it's not your fault things are behind. It helps when you apologize about it. We're less likely to lose focus and have a crappy audition. So, yeah, rule of thumb for monitors, treat it like it's a job-job. Think of it this way: you've GOT a job, we're interviewing FOR a job.

MAKE SURE YOU PROOF READ YOUR COVER LETTERS/EMAILS

I have decent writing skills. I proofread my emails before I respond, I proofread my thank you notes before sealing the envelopes. Again? Common practice.

Emails.

Let's get into this. I realize we are all busy people. But as I stand up for actors everywhere, you have to know we are JUST AS BUSY AS THE CASTING DIRECTOR, PRODUCER, CASTING ASSISTANT, ETC! Sometimes, moreso. Actors struggle with every word of an email. Rereading it twice, three times, four times to make sure the "tone" is correct. We've been told over and over again to 'be nice'. 'Casting directors, and directors, and producers, are people too'.

But so are actors.

And, honestly, no offense to ANYONE on the "other side of the table" (trust me, I've been there) but our feelings are just as fragile (more than we'd ever like you to know). So, please extend the same courtesy in your email-responses that we do for you.

Here's an example of what I mean:

I received an email from a theatre company I'd heard of but had not actually seen any of their productions. Truth be told, I'm not certain how they'd heard of me since I never submitted my materials to them. Anyhow, the email was a "form" style, inviting a select few to audition for the upcoming show in their season. They specifically named this particular show and invited those on the email list to find the sides on their website. As always, I was flattered to get "chosen" to audition. (That feeling really never gets old, right?). I looked over the two dates of the email and realized I was not available for either audition date. Furthermore, as I surfed to their website, I realized the dates of the show conflicted with a few major things planned, including a family wedding I had already responded "yes" to.

But, I didn't want to miss an opportunity to audition for them. Afterall, they'd sought me out. I wanted to let them know I was appreciative and hoped to work with them in the future.

I emailed them back.

"Thank you so much for your invitation to audition for [insert show name here] I am, unfortunately, not available for this project.
I do appreciate the opportunity and hope you will, please, keep me in mind for future projects, though.
All the best,

Alexandra Goodman"

In the email I specifically sited the show they were doing but, as you can see, it's a fairly standard RESPECTFULLY WRITTEN email.

The response I get is one line, saying that "these are the general auditions for the all projects coming up this year."

Yup. That's it. No "Dear Alexandra" no "We're sorry you're unable to make it. These are, unfortunately our generals for the whole season. We will keep you on file, but encourage you to resubmit to us later in the season."

Nope.

I felt like a jackass for "missing" their opportunity. And a "too bad, so sad" attitude from THEM.

Um, really?

I mean, wow. It made me NEVER want to audition for them again. Seriously, they'd have to be doing my favorite play with a role I just HAD TO PLAY for me to consider it.

Rudeness goes BOTH WAYS.

So should courtesy.

Even though I was taken aback, I did respond to that "terse" email with this:
"I'm definitely sorry to have to miss it.
Thank you, again, for thinking of me.
All the best,
Alexandra Goodman"

Raise your hand if you think I got a response to that one? Anyone?

You're right.
I didn't.

The problem, again, is there are so many of us. So we allow these auditors to treat us like this and we TAKE it because we need the work. We want the work. We're desperate to perform. We tell ourselves, " eh, it's not a big deal". But it is.

Actors! Our self-esteem and self-worth is so in the toilet that we have to remember we don't need this kind of aggravation in our lives. If we don't treat ourselves well, no one will treat us well.

PLEASE realize there are dozens and dozens of directors, producers, casting directors, agents, writers, who WILL treat you with respect. The point is to recognize THEM.

I guarantee you I WANT to work for any of the 7 companies that sent me a thank you note. Truly. I'd go out of my way to be available. A little bit of respect goes a long way.

Honestly, I've had some AMAZING experiences with auditions where I know I bombed, but they treated me so decently I didn't actually WANT to go home and down a pint of Ben and Jerry's. And THESE are the companies you should want to work for. Not the ones that make it seem like you should be HONORED to just GET an AUDITION with them.

We have to remember something. Most people say, "crap I gotta go to work today." Or "Ugh! I don't WANNA go to work today". It's rare you'll hear an actor say, "I don't WANNA do a show today". Artists in general are born workhorses. We WANT to work. We CRAVE the work. How many managers can say that about their employees?

If we start respecting ourselves, Actors, I just know we can beat this trend of rudeness, anxiety, and self-doubt. We deserve more. Let's expect it from now on.

ENOUGH!

Short and sweet, I MUST address this.

Michael Jackson was a PEDOPHILE. He touched kids.

His death was symbolic after the first accusation and continued as a long drawn-out and pathetic battle these past years.

We lost the innocence of a pop icon who charmed us in our youth and made pretty fantastic pop songs we remember with nostalgia and glee.

But! He stopped creating such great tunes MANY YEARS AGO. You have not lost ANYTHING except a pathetic PEDOPHILE who hated himself so much he PRACTICALLY DEFORMED HIMSELF and HELD HIS CHILD OVER A BALCONY. This was a SICK man. SICK. S.I.C.K!!!!

So, by all means, grieve for the image you had through the Pepsi ads and the moon-walk and the one-sparkly-white-glove. Grieve for the really gnarly music and incredible Thriller video that scared you and yet you couldn't stop watching. Grieve for a musical genius who stepped over the line from genius to SICK and INSANE. But, seriously, you should have been grieving for YEARS. Because this PEDOPHILE doesn't deserve your sympathy.

Get your motherfucking hands off our kids you sick and pathetic waste of skin.

That's my eulogy, Michael. See ya, you SICK FUCK.

Peace and Love,

Ali

Update of 1001 things in 101 days as of 06/11/2009

Real post coming soon. This here's just an update.

Peace and love to you all,

Ali

1. Hit my goal weight (and maintain it)
2. Send the trains
3. Sell the beanies
4. Sell the Magic the Gathering cards
5. Sell the wackies
6. Get proposed to
7. Finish Stop...Look...Listen scrap book
8. Go to 10 shows I'm not directly involved in

• My Left Breast/Back Story
• A Christmas Carol
• Little Foxes
• Parlour Song
• The Fugget Show

9. Go to 5 shows where I don't have a friend in it.

• Avenue Q
• Bronx Tale

10. Move/buy a bigger place
11. Finally scan all my photos
12. Organize all my photos
13. Read 3 classic books
14. Semi-supine every day for 1 month
15. Finish Mom's awesome Hanukkah gift
16. Write 10 actual letters
17. Finish any/all 1/2 done cross-stitch projects

• Finished the lighthouse for Dad

18. Learn how to use a sewing machine

19. Go Vote

20. Refile/organize monologue box

• Finally started to tackle that...

21. Get my MRI mammogram

22. Take a tap class
23. Take a jazz class
24. Take a modern class
25. Take a circus class
26. Finish the Ender series

• Ender's Game
• Speaker For the Dead
• Xenocide
• Children of the Mind
• Ender's Shadow
• Shadow of the Hegemon

27. Take a "day job" that gives 2 days off in a row
28. Visit K. in New York
29. Visit Raina in Tennessee
30. Do film, as much as possible

• Been submitting for student films and indie features
• booked on The Defiled directed by Julian Grant (filming summer 2009)
• booked on a promo for Project Runway (shot 6/9/2009)

31. Get an agent - one who cares about me

• Been submitting to them - now re-promoting all my new stuff!

32. Watch the entire West Wing series

• Season 1 = complete!
• Season 2 = still in the middle
  

33. Watch 10 classic (oscar winning movies) I've never seen (preferably before 1980)

• M.A.S.H.

34. Do the 3 day walk for breast cancer
35. Submit my play to 3 theatres

• XIII Pocket

36. Finish writing the Jezebel play
37. Get Sparky's teeth cleaned (with Vet approval)
38. Go to (at least) one Cubs game a year
39. Finish playing Kingdom Hearts
40. Knit 5 scarves for others

• Jon's was done in January 2009 :)

41. Be more diligent about recycling

• we bought a cart and are filling it and bringing it down to recycling once/twice a week on average
• we are keeping containers (jars and such) and reusing them as much as possible
• we are continuing to check labels and reuse any paper products we can
  

42. Try to use organic/green non-chemical products
43. Go to 4 movies - IN THE MOVIE THEATRE -

• Milk
• Wolverine
• The Hangover
• Star Trek

44. Treat myself to 3 massages at Urban Oasis
45. Watch more Olbermann and Maddow

• MSNBC is now the default channel on our TV

46. Trade in Dad's guitar to get one that fits me
47. Keep up on my blog www.ali-land.blogspot.com at least once a week- even if it's just an update
48. Scan and organize MOM's pictures
49. Read more of and try to incorporate Alexander Technique into my life

• Working through reading a book called Anxious to Please which has opened my eyes to many things - specifically - it uses the process of The Alexander Technique in many of the practices. Cool.
  

50. Finish putting together the crossword jigsaw puzzle
51. Don't let the file basket get to the top without filing it.

• This is a constant struggle but I finally attacked it today!
  

52. Take a combat class
53. Take a ballet class - even though it scares me-
54. Run a 10K (6.2 miles)
55. Do 3 Stuart's sun salutes a day for a week
56. Play my keyboard, once a month, for fun

• December - :) Played for 3 hours!!!
• January - played for an hour
• February - mmm, didn't play really busy at school
• March - played for about 2 hours

57. Perform 10 random acts of kindness

• Bought mom an orange rose and surprised her when she was sick
• Got Lisa some Ginger Ale and lip balm when she was sick

58. Get an ivy (English?) plant

• Danni is giving me a plant!

59. Read 3 previously unread books on acting
60. Ride my bike as often as possible (seasonal)
61. Drink 64 oz of water every day for 2 weeks
62. Finish all seasons of the Venture Brothers (for Jon)

• Season 1 = Complete!
• Special Christmas episode = Complete!
  

63. Watch 5 movies Jon wants (only 1 will be MST3K)

• Excalibur
• Let The Right One In
• Iron Man
• Sin City

64. Try my watercolor pencils and make something pretty
65. Hang out with Dante 2x a week for at least an hour
66. Go to the Shedd Aquarium
67. Go to the Brookfield Zoo
68. Go to Lincoln Park Zoo
69. Go to the Art Institute
70. Read 8 plays I've never read before

• Who Made Robert DeNiro King of America? - Jason Katim
• A Dead Man's Apartment - Edward Allen Baker

71. Visit Charleston (finally)
72. Help Jon get on the path to Bio-medical visualization
73. Have a "date night" once a month

• Went to Sushi for November's date! Mmmm!
• Went to Sushi for December's date!
• Went to Uncle Julio's for January
• February - we were broke :)
• March - we were broke :)
• April - Delilah's and Sushi and a proposal!!!

74. Say something kind to someone once a day for a month -even if it's "I LOVE YOU"
75. Do my taxes by March (instead of waiting until the last minute) for 2009 and 2010
76. Get my credit score
77. Find out how much I'd be approved for, for a mortgage
78. Make a realistic budget
79. Get a new computer (mmm...MAC)
80. Do my 2 affirmations out loud for 2 months
81. Graduate from ACT ONE!
82. Get out of my contract for ******
83. Transfer my VHS tapes to DVD
84. Get my compass tattoo
85. Vinegar the carpet!
86. Go on 5 auditions I have no chance of getting or don't even want - blog about the experiences -
87. Keep an audition journal
88. Get back to my "limber self" and do full splits on both legs!
89. Play my Dance! Dance! Revolution once a week for 3 months
90. Floss every day for 3 months
91. Spend at least one night (with Jon) at a B&B
92. Make the "butterfly" tray
93. Listen to 3 recommended rap albums
94. Learn basic sign language
95. Write a letter (not to be sent) to those whom I feel still "hold me back" emotionally
96. Experiment with "freezing a goal" and wait 3 months to see the progress
97. Be adamant about making 3 hours of "down-time" for myself a week and STICKING TO IT
98. Re-establish my donations to Sierra Club for the Polar Bears.
99. Keep practicing "drawing on the right-side of the brain"
100. Get new glasses
101. Accomplish at least 50 on this list by August 10, 2011 :)

I miss you Aunt G. July 1945 - May 2009

Aunt Gladys.

A wonderful woman with a beautiful heart.  Never a bad word to say about anyone, but never a judgment if you needed to vent about anyone or anything.  She kept all your secrets and would try to understand if you just needed a hug and just someone to "get it".  

A fantastic mother to Alli and Gen.  An amazing Grandma to Andy, Alexa, Ava, and Samantha. An incredible wife to her soulmate, Allen.  Every niece and nephew believes they were the "favorite". 

 I know I did.

There are no words to describe the emotional void she is leaving behind.  But she reminds me that she understood how to LIVE.  She traveled, she was there for every birth of her grandchildren.  

She loved life.

We should all be so lucky.

Thank you, Aunt G.  

We lost you too young, but we will forever have you deep in our hearts.

Love and Peace.

Ali

Uncle Allen, Alexa, Andy, Ava, and Gladys

Kramer vs. Kramer a phenomenal FILM

When I was 5  years old, my parents had a VHS tape with 3 movies on it.  Airplane!, The Champ (with Ricky Schroeder and John Voight), and Kramer vs. Kramer.  I watched those movies in order, almost every single day.  For years. Back then, we were limited with what was on TV, (we didn't have cable), and we didn't have any "kids" movies.

I fell in love with these movies.  Each one is very close to my heart.

Wolter and I joke, often, that we have so many movies the other one needs to see, well, Kramer vs. Kramer has been on that list since I met him!  Finally, we watched it together.

Even at a young age I could tell that this film was, exactly THAT.  A film.  Not a "movie".  Not a "money-maker" with lots of "back-door deals" and "merchandise" but a true FILM.  Seeing it again, after all these years didn't change my youthful ideals one bit.

What was lovely, was getting to watch the "Making of Kramer vs. Kramer" which was a special feature on this DVD.  I learned so much about the inception of the script (from the book) and how passionate the filmmakers were.  The idea that telling the story, keeping the truth of the characters and the art of collaboration were part of a film with SOME budget was jaw-dropping and beautiful.  There is really nothing about this film that I could criticize from the casting down to the amazing shots.  It's not a wonder that they won so many Oscars.

Bravo, Kramer vs. Kramer.  I'm inspired and appreciative of this artistic endeavor and wish there were more films like yours.

See this film if you haven't had the chance.  

Peace and love.

~Ali

Full-on ANGRY, nearly 3 months later

Yup.  It's true. I'm fucking pissed.  And I'm tired of feeling guilty for my feelings.  I'm tired of feeling sorry for pathetic fat sacks of shit who believe the world is there to feed, clothe, and take care of them while they eat and drunkenly stumble their way through life.

I'm SICK of it.

Now, honestly, most of my anger is centered around one obnoxious and sad, pitiful human.  I was angry 3 months ago, tried to find my peace with it, but, truly, I'M STILL FUCKING PISSED OFF.

We talk about what "being the mature one" really means.  The fact that I didn't pummel her ass is its own grace of goodness.  She deserved it that night.  Her actions, her thoughtless and disrespectful actions (and the actions of her pathetic "friend") made me wonder WHY I worried about how much she was hurting.  WHY I spent a millisecond on asking about her well-being. WHY I still felt guilty over something that WASN'T MY FAULT, but she chose to blame me rather than realize her OWN lazy actions and bitterness and lying nature and complacency were probably MORE why she ended up alone. 

But worry and wonder I did.

But ask about and suffer guilt I did.

And it was all for nothing.  No, seriously.  NOTHING.  All I ever hoped for, (after I stopped deluding myself that people really WANT happiness and peace with one another - got two slaps in the reality face on that one in the same year - ) was that she would, AT LEAST, begin living well.  Turn her life around.  Go audition.  Take classes.  Get a job that she loves.  ANYTHING to end like those fucking Hollywood movies.   ANYTHING to show us that "she didn't need him" or us.  She gets to be the turn-around story.

Nope.

She became sad.  And sullen.  And angry.  And vindictive.  And BITTER.  And still holding on to some idea.  To quote Clifford Odets, she is "stalled like a fliver in the snow".

Violence is just not cool.  I believe that. But I've imagined how I would beat the daylights out of this bitch if I ever see her again.  It's not in my nature to actually do it, but my fantasies are quite vivid.  I imagine running after her out those doors after she dared slap him and tackling her.  I've imagined yanking her off her feet, putting her on the ground with my knee at her throat, and slapping her the same way she slapped him.  I imagine taking her down and making her admit that I'm some pathetic scapegoat she is desperate to blame because her own life is such a hot mess.  I have a big imagination.  Here's the difference between us:  I'm not gonna actually do it, you pathetic waste of skin.

 I was willing to be her silent champion.  The light of hope in this sad silence that she would figure it out and get her shit together.

Nope.

I don't hold much hope for her to make much of her life as it looks on this path.  Maybe one of her friends will remind her that the best way to grow up is NOT throw drinks and slap people you "don't like".  What, are you in 2nd grade?  

As I very much realize I need to take my OWN advice and "let it go", this is my blog.  So, while I don't actually plan to DO anything to her lazy ass, I do plan to allow myself to be angry. 

I leave you with this quote from my friend Kerry:  "Just remember, some people are like a slinky.  Their only purpose is to be pushed down stairs..."

Thank you Kerry.  And thanks, as always my friends, for letting me vent.

Love and peace to you all,

~Ali

Discipline breeds pettiness

Hello, dear reader(s), I have been exercising.  On a schedule.  With a plan to "become healthy", or healthier, in the long run.  And, of course, to change the shape my body has decided to take.  Personally I was hoping for the shape of a trapezoid, but I'm told that would take painful measures and tons of staples.  So, I've opted for society's "healthy in-shape girl!".  Ah well.

For an obsessive compulsive with anxiety issues, like myself, I find it difficult to allow myself to actually carve out time in my ridiculously busy schedule to focus on ME and do something for ME.  It all seems like a sacrifice and a waste of good sleep or other I-could-be-doing-something-more-productive time.  But, the truth is, most of the hour I, now, use to workout, used to be spent stressing over how much crap I have to do.  It was not productive at all.  It was just a crappy waste of time.

So, dear reader, I've decided to make myself #1.

This, of course, means I get to complain, bemoan, and bitch heartily about what a complete cunt this person is.  This horrible fascist¹ who is making my body do all these incredibly frustrating, muscle-fatiguing things...ME.

This entry is an example of my pettiness.

Normally I work out at 6am.  It's early enough that I can workout for an hour and still shower, eat breakfast, and get on the bus for school.  However we had a day off so I slept in.  I was planning to get some paperwork done and some things off my to-do list.  However, I couldn't concentrate because I knew I needed to workout.  So, with the knowledge, I changed into my workout clothes, checked the time and thought about which workout I wanted to do.

START IT UP
This is the easier (albeit I still sweat like hell) 24 minute workout. No resistance band work or real mat work (except push-ups and mini-abs) thus it is called: Start it up

RAMP IT UP
This is the intermediate workout (resistance bands and mat work included with abs and extra push-ups and yoga at the end). This one is 47 minutes. It kicks me in the nuts.  It's called: Ramp it Up

I'm cranky and don't really WANT to do the harder workout. But I know it's better for me. But I really don't want to. But I know in the end I'll be happier. But I really don't want to.

So I decide to flip a coin.

Heads = Start it up, 

Tails = Ramp it up.

or 

Heads = Pussy workout

Tails = Less Pussy workout

I grab a trusty nickel.  

(What?  Nickels are trusty!)

I flip the coin.

And it drops on the floor.

Tails. Ramp it up.

Well, I think maybe it's only fair if I actually catch the coin after the toss so...

I flip it again.

And I catch it.

And it's TAILS again.

Hmmmm....well, maybe two out of three (or three out of five if you count the one on the floor)

So I flip it AGAIN.

And it's TAILS AGAIN!

I sigh. And put in the damned DVD of Ramp it Up.

And now it's over. 

And I DO feel better.

And I'm glad I did the harder workout. But, seriously....

Fuck You Coin.

(For those of you who like the visual type of blog, see below)

I toss the first coin.  It lands on the floor.  AND it's Tails

I flip the coin again.  I catch it.  It's TAILS, again.

I flip the coin the 3rd time.  It's Tails. AGAIN.

Fuck you, coin.

------------------------------------------------------------------

1. As I've told Wolter, in the past, swastikas are funny.

Happy Journal

One of my favorite people in the world mentioned she keeps (or kept) a "happy journal". As cheesy and "new age-y" as that sounds, I was intrigued and asked her to explain. She told me that her tendency (and as I'm learning, most people in theatre or the arts in general), was to think judgmental, sad, or negative thoughts about herself. These would translate in to judgmental, sad, or negative thoughts about others. This perpetuated a circle of negativity. She decided to try to change it in hopes that she would feel better about herself and thus, others.


So she experimented with keeping a "happy journal".


Every night before she went to bed, she wrote 3 to 5 things that made her happy during the day. She had to be honest with herself. No saying she was happy about something she was "supposed" to be happy about. No telling herself that she "should feel" anything. Only things that truly made her feel good/happy were allowed to be written in the book.


At first, she found very surface things. "The apple I ate was really juicy and sweet. It made me happy". Or, "I'm happy I had the energy to get out of bed and make coffee this morning. Coffee made me happy."


As time went on, she realized there were more things she was truly happy about. And, actually, she would seek them out so she'd have something good to write down.


I kinda love this idea. Finding reasons to look for the happy in the day rather than sit back and wait for it to happen. We tend to look for the unhappy, the negative, in the day. We "gear up" for a bad day. We "tense ourselves" because we believe it will, cynically, prove to be more likely a crappy thing rather than something fun or pleasant. We're "surprised" when work is productive and fun.


Sure, maybe we want nothing more than to be out of this financial crisis, doing a job we feel feeds our souls, out of school, etc. But if we, as a community, continue to live for the "big picture" and not start living moment to moment, we really will watch our lives flitter away.


I am a grave offender of living ahead. I am full of fear that if I actually live in the moment, it will disappoint me. Therefore, I'm never truly happy. Nor am I truly sad. In actuality, I'm not actually living my life. So, my emotional life "comes out sideways". I got the negativity down pat. I don't know where I learned that if I put myself down first, it hurts less when others do it to me. Nope, it doesn't. It hurts a lot worse. It confirms what I think of myself. That's not helpful. It just makes me "right". Well, whoopie fuckin' do! I'm right that I'm worthless. Yeah, not much to do with that. So, why don't I figure out a way to like myself. To live in a happy world that will, ultimately, hurt from time to time. But probably will even out in the end. I would like to live my life with some happiness.


Recently, a girl I've met only twice, but is very close with a girl who considers me her enemy told my wonderful boyfriend that "Ali is not a nice person".


I should have laughed it off. This girl has met me twice. She doesn't know me. She's had 1 conversation with me. Her information is, faulty, at best and probably is just trying to back up her friend (which I completely get). It's funny, actually, when you think about it.


But it bothered me.


Why? Why did some girl's opinion (a girl who obviously has an agenda and something against me because of her friend) bug me? Why didn't all the loving and wonderful friends who tell me how nice I am and how much fun I am to be around and who love and adore me daily, well, why didn't their opinions outrank this one girl?


Maybe because it's easier to believe the bad stuff.


Maybe because I want everyone to like me. Even people who believe they have a damned good reason NOT to like me. I still want them to like me too.


But, life says we WILL piss off people. Sometimes we will piss off people who we desperately DON'T want to piss off. Sometimes we will piss off people we couldn't care less about, (rude, obnoxious patrons, for example). But, I'm starting to realize that no matter what, we will hurt someone. Intentional or not.


For those of you I've hurt, I'm sorry. Truly, deeply, within the depths of my soul, sorry. However, if you know me, or ever knew me, you'd know one thing about me. I never ever intend to hurt anyone. If I do, it's not pre-meditated. If you still believe I did intend to hurt you, you never knew me, you were never truly my friend, and any anger you harbor is your responsibility.


My intentions are to look for the happy. Without it, I'm not actually living my life fully. Since I'm an aethiest, I don't look at life as a dress rehearsal. This is all we've got so I might as well love it and live it fully.



I began my happy journal. It's been fun thinking of my day and the funny or happy moments throughout it. I encourage you to do some of the same. It's a really beautiful way to end the day.



Peace and love.

Truckin' along...

I'm busy. What else is new? Well, at least the busy is a bit more focused with the 101 things.

So: Here is an update. (Anything new is updated and/or bullet-pointed in RED)

Hope you are well and enjoying this lovely holiday season!

Thank you to everyone who has been so encouraging about my progress with this daunting list. :)

Peace and Love,
Ali

Oh, people, that's lame...

Have you ever heard of revenge by Myspace delete? Well, my friends, I am a victim of it. Yes, dear readers, the previous "jackass" has decided that I am not worthy of his myspace friendship anymore.

I think I'll cry about it. Over milk. That I spilled. WHEN I WAS 6!

Come ON people! This is a 29 year old man with nothing better to do but delete people from his myspace in order to "let them know" they are "not desirable" in his life anymore? Really? Has it come to this?

Now, far be it for me to give credit to another ass-bag, (Jody), from the past, who decided to delete me (although the dog's myspace still has me as a top friend...hmmm). AT LEAST Jody sent an email to accompany his "MYSPACE ATTACK".

Look. I understand. I wrote about him in this blog (Ok, ok. And a previous one. Where he comes off like a jackass...HERE) . I'm not surprised he'd be angry. Actually I'm more surprised he saw it or read it or learned that it exists! Maybe I have more readers than I actually think! Woo hoo! If so, that's pretty awesome. Otherwise, I really don't know HOW he might have learned about it.

OR...it could be that I, having been part of the social network of the lovely lady (one of my best friends) whom he OBVIOUSLY wronged, he decided to use his deleting power for BAD! OH GOD! Two-face is on the warpath! Once a good man turned evil! Holy shit! Run people. Run for your lives!

Come ON!

Best part of this whole thing? Wolter got deleted too! AHAHAHAH! The poor guy had NOTHING to do with the blog. He had NOTHING to do with the jackass coming to the bar that night. As a matter of fact, they actually have a TON of common friends, considering they went to the same college and both studied THEATRE! For crying out loud! Puhlease!

Now, I've thought about this and, truly, Wolter's committed his own crime. He's had sex (and continues to live) with me. This is his crime. Guilty by association. Oh McCarthy. Yes, go ahead, have your little dance. It's come to this: "MYSPACE ATTACK!"

So I say this: Mr. Jackhole-jackass-who-doesn't-know-how-to-treat-people...Good Luck. Good luck in life. I can see it's been working out great for you, so far. Keep deleting. Apparently it's the only power you've got.

Cheers!

Amusement, my friends and dear reader(s) doesn't even BEGIN to describe it!
AHAHAHAHAHAH

Things that go flying off my wall...

So when I got engaged, I was given this beautiful ceramic picture that had part of Shakespere's Sonnet 116 carved into it.

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

It is one of the few engagement gifts I didn't actually give back (my aunt told me to keep it) so I hung it up. The other day, out of nowhere, after 3 fucking years, it decides to magically fly off the wall and shatter into a million pieces. So. I think that's the Universe telling me I should "let go" of the past a bit.

I'm working on that.

Today was also a tough day because I was told that my "emotions" seem somewhat "forced" or coming from a place where I thought I was "supposed" to be emotional. What was tough was that even though I'm sure I am still blocked from my past (hell, show me someone who isn't) it was really awful to be told that I was working from a non-truthful place IN MY OWN BODY.

Well, fuck that! I mean, I don't even get to trust my BODY anymore? Really? I can't trust that my emotions are where I think they are because I'm blocked even deeper than my emotions are allowed to go?

So does that mean when I cry, I'm not REALLY crying? Or if I feel angry, I'm not REALLY feeling anger? I'm forcing what I think I'm supposed to feel? How it's supposed to look?

Kinda makes me wonder who the fuck I am right now. 'Cause, obviously, I'm not actually me. If I am, I don't know who that is. And right now I'm questioning if I've ever shared, even with MYSELF, any real emotions EVER.

Yup. It's been a grand day, my friends

And the jackass of the week is...

I'm usually a fairly patient person. Even if I exhibit those moments of irritation or frustration, other than intolerance, racism, etc, I'm pretty non-judgmental.

Except when people fuck with my friends or family.

So there's this guy...let's call him Dick, short for Dickhead.

He dates my friend, pretty seriously, for a few years. They break up. He moves to the city a year or so later. They both date other people. While it didn't end well, it wasn't out of the ordinary for them to run into each other now and then. Many of their friends were friends, etc, etc.

Time goes by. Facebook and Myspace take over the world. They re-connect after a couple of years from one of those "you may know this person" face-space-my-book things.

Both are single.

He makes a spontaneous gesture to meet up with her but she has plans with me. My band is playing and she is, supportively, watching the show. He shows up anyway. He and I have history. His business partner (and close friend) is my ex-fiance. Their people don't talk to my people. But he shows up anyway, gives me a great big hug and says he never cared about the issues and is happy to see me.

I'm glad we have no bad blood.

He hugs my friend and they fall back into their old routine when things were fun and life was sweet and they were both happy.

He gets a call from the business partner that they are having a meeting. He leaves but promises to return after said meeting. He DOES! My friend and I are saying he seems to have changed. The immature jerk that he was when they parted ways seems to have grown up! Happy days!

They go out after my band plays and have a few drinks and make a few plans to see each other again when he comes back from a trip.

Plans are set for an evening (with the right amount of time for one to believe it IS actually a DATE).

The night before, she texts him to make sure plans are still in full-swing and his reply is:
"I don't know, you gonna put-out?"

Now...that could be a joke. I'm willing to laugh at that one. He's gotta a harsh sense of humor and she's like "one of the guys" so it's not too weird...just a bit off...

Before she can respond he texts: "Actually, the guys want me to go out drinking after their show so I may do that instead."

So: Dick has now broken a date with her to go out drinking with the guys. Hmmm....

But then he texts: "We'll be at [bar in the neighborhood] you're more than welcome to join us"

She thinks, "ok, maybe this is a good thing. He's asking me to come out with the guys so maybe he wants it to seem normal between us. This could be ok."

She asks for directions and then gets this text: "Or you could just skip the bar and come tuck me in"

Now she's suspicious. Does he just want to get laid or does he actually want to hang out with her?

So she (in awesome fashion) writes this: "Are you just looking for a warm, wet, hole to stick it in? Or are you just being flirtatious. Hard to tell through text"

Dick replies: "Warm, wet, and familiar. Don't wanna split hairs here."

She is stunned.

Dick then writes: "Eh, maybe we should meet up some other time. Don't wanna hurt you. Not my goal here."

Yeah.

Guess he didn't grow up after all. Good luck with that. ASSHOLE.

P.S. My friend DID NOT reply and obviously DID NOT go meet him at his home or the bar. However, I will state that if he had come anywhere near her that night she'd have probably pulled out his jugular with her teeth. White. Hot. Rage. But, calmly.

If you believe the good...

I have a wonderful teacher who often muses, "If you believe the good criticism, you have to also believe the bad." I appreciate this because I feel as though, even in its sardonic nature, the wisdom behind it is of creating balance. I often seek balance and then often fuck it up, royally, by not maintaining this balance. I know, I know, it's a baby-step process. BUT, I had a small epiphany about this balance today and I wanted to share!

I've often said that when traumatic things happen in my life it takes me longer to process and then respond than most "normal" people. I have a "cat-like-state-of-readiness" in my ability to deal with a crisis. I can shove away any bad/sad/frustrated feelings and just deal with the task at hand. But, when the crisis is over/averted and we come back to stasis, that's when I usually fall to pieces. My family knows this and my friends know this.

So. Doesn't it seem logical that I would realize that when GOOD things happen to me I would respond in the same way? When I'm given a day off or get cast in a show or feel good about my performance that- until all the fanfare has died down and we've returned to stasis- that's when I begin to feel good again?

Interestingly enough. No. It never did occur to me. Until today. So, Ted, in your infinite wisdom about critics: I believe my response to the good will be in proportion to my response to the bad and happen after the normal person would have responded.

Now that I've learned this interesting fact about myself, I feel like I have the power to change it. I don't always enjoy the fact that I'm somewhat of a freak of nature in a situation and feel tension and sadness far longer than I probably should and then have to hide, said feelings, because if I showed how I felt I'd seem crazy. As a matter of fact, it would be something to aspire to actually feel the feelings I'm feeling when I'm feeling them, express those feelings, and then poof! They're gone! Like fully expressed feelings. No guilt. No worry. Just feel it. Express it. And move on.

A life without guilt.

Yup that's a life to strive towards. (Don't mistake a life without guilt as a life without responsibility and consequences. These are not the same)

Anyhow. That's the love I have to share. Going to spend some time with Sparky and read a book that has nothing to do with school whatsoever! Smiles all around.

Love to you all!

Pardon me, are those your nuts on my arm?

The CTA. We take it because we have to. Sometimes it's the difference between a $12.00 cab ride and a $2.00 crammed, crappy, smelly, awful, homeless-begging, iPod-wearing, sick-to-your-stomach, teeth-rattling, bus ride that reminds us that we're happy to have saved a bit of money and still get home safely after being drunk.

The CTA is also used for such things as:

1. Getting to work


2. Coming from work


3. Meeting at various places in the city for various reasons


4. Having a safe place to ride to such places when fully intoxicated


5. Going to a stop where you may depart your bus or train car to then be picked up by another train or bus to finally reach your destination.

There are many things the CTA is for.

Here are some things it is NOT for:

1. Begging for money
















(Isn't there some sort of man code that claims if the bus is empty you take every OTHER seat?)

2. Children


(If only we were lucky enough to have THIS kid)

3. Placing your nuts on my arm

Yes. you read that correctly.

Placing your


on my



My dear friends. Honestly. I'm sitting on the bus. Minding my own business. Next to me is a nice lady. She's minding her own business. Around us are other people. Some are sitting. Some are standing. They too, minding their own business. All of us dealing with the fact that we are a large number of people shoved into a space too small to hold us and have to maneuver around this vehicle of transportation in order to get ourselves to our specific destinations...cheaply.

We stop at the last stop before the bus turns into a mini-express. (The Belmont and Lake Shore Drive stop on the 146 for those of you who know the route). It takes Lake Shore Drive to Michigan Avenue and then exits and proceeds to do various stops on the route at that point.

So, many humans pass by me as I listen to my iPod and gaze out the window at the lake and soon the movement stops and I glance over and notice the wave of people has stopped and we are about to take off on our mini-express.

Well.

This guy sort of presses into my arm. It happens. Usually someone is trying to push past and get a hand rail on the back part of the bus or they see their friend. Whatever. However, the allotted amount of time where he should have released his junk from atop my arm passed.

So I waited a bit longer.

He shifts.

I think, Ok, good he's realized he's shoving his penis into the crook of my arm, he's going to move it.

No.

He shifts and, I swear to you, dear readers, hoisted his pants up and then solidly PLACED HIS NUTS ON MY ARM.

I was, at this point, still staring out the window and the entire thing seemed so absurd and ridiculous that I began laughing.

Hard.

Out loud.

So hard, in fact, the nice lady next to me looked over and probably thought I was laughing at her because, well, she was in the window seat and I was basically staring in her direction.

Junk man doesn't fucking move.

I'm practically hyperventilating I'm laughing so hard and this jackass STILL doesn't move his nuts from my arm!

At this point I couldn't avoid an awkward moment if I did adjust myself so I stay there. A comfy place for his ball sack.

We pull off onto Michigan Avenue and I think that, Ok, we're about to stop at a stop, people will push past and try to get off so he's got to move then right?

Wrong.

Oh no. He just presses further into me and now balls and penis are smooshing into my side boob! I'm mortified, appalled, embarrassed, etc. But I'm unable to look up at the jackass in nice Dockers shoving himself on me!

2 more stops went by when finally (FINALLY!) nut-sack man decided to move to the door because he was exiting at the next stop. He chose the back door so I never did get to see his face. But dear lord, people, I got a whole mess of cash and prizes that day!

Moral of the story:

Always be aware of your personal packages when on the CTA.

(For an added bonus, run your mouse over the pics for some fun insights!)

Lesson learned

They warned me time and time again. I listened. I swear I listened. But listening doesn't necessarily mean comprehending, understanding.

This Thursday it became crystal clear what they were saying.

I'm gullible. Vulnerable. Easy to step on.

Not anymore.

I see the situation for what it is now. So, my decision: move forward knowing the truth and NEVER put myself in a position to get hurt by her again. Sometimes this is easier said than done. However, I already know that I'm lucky as hell to have the true friends who look out for me and have my best interests at heart.

I think I'll spend more time with them, and less time with people like her .

Lesson learned.