It bugs me when people don't like me. Sometimes I can let it go because it seems weird or irrational to me. However, when I feel like I have been myself, tried to make an effort, done my work (if it's a co-worker or boss or teacher), apologized if I've done wrong, etc. it boggles my mind why someone would just decide, for no reason other than they "just don't like me" to not like me.
I forget that often these people are dealing with their own insecurities and their own issues and I may resemble those things to them. Sometimes.
This time, it took a few jabs at my ego and a few pointed comments to make me realize that sometimes people don't want to make the effort. Sometimes people are just that bitter. Bitterness. Man, I've been teetering on that road for a while. I hate that road and I really don't feel like myself when I'm on it. It's addicting, though. It's easy to feel like you're accomplishing something when you jump on it. It motivates you, gets your blood pumping, makes you have a goal, it fills your sad and empty soul up with SOMETHING. You begin to believe that you NEED the bitterness in order to survive. I did. I was starting to. I don't want it anymore. I'm walking away from that path with my head up and a bit of clarity.
I've been so busy worrying about later and success and acheiving some weird goal I set out for myself in an effort to have something to shoot for (go goal-oriented people), I completely forgot who I was and, honestly, I'm a pretty good person. I love animals. I love people. I will go out of my way for my friends and family and, honestly, it's about fucking time I allow myself some time to fall back in love with ME. I've spent so much time beating myself up for feeling badly. Beating myself up for hurting other people. Beating myself up for taking the time to beat myself up! I've forgotten that we all make mistakes. We all choose things we're not always the most proud of. We've all wished we could have "played that out differently". But they never taught me in school how to forgive myself for not "getting it" right away. Whatever "it" was. I always believed I was just an idiot if I didn't understand immediately. I wanted to be successful right away because if I wasn't it meant I didn't get the job or the callback or the audition or the agent. It meant that I would get smeared by the critics and people would remember what a bad actor I am and that would translate into being a terrible person.
I'm not a terrible person.
I'm a good, and decent person who loves to bring people together with the right projects. I'm a good and decent person who takes the time to listen and care about others feelings. I'm a good and decent person who doesn't feel afraid or bitter when others succeed. I ENJOY the success of those I love.
I love Chicago theatre. Most of the time, we HELP each other acheive things. It's for the good of the show. It's for the better of the experience. I LOVE that. I'm tired of trying to "get it" on the first try and thinking I've FAILED because it takes me a little while to get there. It's ok. The more I do it, the better I'll get.
I won't be like her. I won't teach a student 15 years younger than me and "act as if" I'm critiquing her classwork when I'm really scared shitless she's getting the roles I should have gotten at her age. Or will. Or might. I'm done going down her path. I will work in her class but her opinion is just that. I will learn from what she teaches me (maybe not right away but I will) and I will thank her, eternally grateful, that I've seen what could have been if I don't start to fix it now.
Dulling the edges and enjoying the view.
I think I'm finally "getting it". But if I'm not, or there's more to "get", well, Ok. I'm kinda OK with that right now.
Love and love and love and peace to all.
