New Years Eve eve 2007

New Years Eve eve 2007 Jon fool
Originally uploaded by Thealibear

So, Jon and I decided that it was finally time to open this lovely bottle of champagne (Perrier Jouet) my mom gave me when cleaning out her cabinets. She doesn't drink, my dad doesn't like champagne and they'd gotten this as a gift. Um, I like champagne or free booze or free GOOD booze for that matter.

I hadn't had a very happy new year's last year for me to open it but I decided this year was going much more my way and it was definitely time to open this sucker!

Please click on the lovely photo to see the wonderful evolution of this process. :-) Oh the fun we have in our little lives.

Happy New Year to all of you. I will be spending mine in the NEW home of my wonderful friend, ADAM who is moving here ON NEW YEARS EVE! :-) Peace!

Liars

Ok. We all tell small white lies. But when you lie all the time or lie when it's convenient to your life but fucks with someone elses, well, you tend to get a reputation.

Believe me. If you lie to me once and I know or learn about it, (let me name one or two: Birthday party plans...sick relatives...) I will never ever trust a word you say to me again unless you come clean, we talk about it, etc etc etc.

Continue to lie to me and you've lost a great friend. I know I'm a good friend. I love the people that treat me well and I even give more of myself to those who probably didn't deserve a second chance. But, well, I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of being lied to. And EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT LYING THIS TIME I don't care because you've fucked me over too many times before.

Peace.

(To the 99% of you that this doesn't affect, I LOVE YOU!)

Fork Toss 2007

Fork Toss 007
Originally uploaded by Thealibear

We finally decided to buy some new flatware. Our old crap was, well, crap. Here is the happy exodus of our crappy-ass forks, spoons, and knives. Sing a happy song!


(Click on the picture to see the rest of the set in this fun ritual!)

Been thinking...I need some new goals.

Been thinking about what it means to be a good person. I don't just mean being good towards others, but also being good to yourself. How does one actually go about that without having to be a little (or a LOT) selfish? Isn't that the essence of NOT being a "good person" if you have to become self-absorbed in yourself in order to take care of yourself so you can be a good person to YOURSELF...and others?

I wonder about these things.

I look at my life and I know I have flaws. I know I'm not the best apple in the bunch, but I'm still aware that I'm pretty damned good. Yet, I give people the benefit of the doubt. Yet, I give people "too many chances" to prove themselves time and time again. Yet, I create a world of frustration and lose my ability to manage my time because I extend myself too far. How do I balance this? How do I take the time I need for ME?

Ok, then, what exactly does that mean? I am in school (taking time for me) but school is so busy that I don't always get to take "me" time. Does "me" time have to include the fact that I'm in school or do I get "time away from school 'me' time"?

Sigh.

I know I'm making this slightly more complicated than it needs to be. All in all, I just need to learn to say NO to people. I need to learn that I deserve my time. I deserve Ali time. I guess that time is whatever will help me relax, free myself from ME.

It's amusing. I'm all over the map with this but the common-ground my teachers have told me is how much I need to learn to relax! I know! Is this really a surprise? I am over-simplifying it, of course, but as much as I can take on the world, I really need to stop proving it. I'm taking to heart the RIGHT to "start over" correctly. Or just start over and be ok with not having all the answers. Or being "right" or "perfect" all the time. I know. Cliche as it may be, I'm working on it.

Ok. So, in the spirit of my wonderful friend, Adam, I am going to make a promise to myself. I am going to focus on a few life goals. Some will be short-term, some will be long/life-long term.

First, I am unwaveringly going to continue to see theatre. There is plenty of good, cheap, free-ish theatre. I must go to it. I've had a list of 9 plays I need to see before January 15th (when the last one closes) that I can see for $15.00 or less per ticket. I need to DO that. I've tried to keep up with it and write a blog on Myspace for each show I've seen. Get my observance "chops" back up. It's important for me to keep ON that.

Second, I am getting my finances in order. This is a bit tricky because it entails a myriad of pieces to the puzzle, but I believe I can square away MOST of it.

Third, I will start a "formal" routine (daily/weekly) of exercise/relaxation. I believe I need to incorporate BOTH into my day so why not use my need for efficiency and combine them. In some cases I can do yoga (strengthing AND relaxing) and counter-act it with some type of cardio. I'm hoping to be running 1 mile a day for 5 days a week. If it increases, hurray! If not, well, I think running at ALL will be good for me.

Fourth, I need to get on a regular, healthy eating schedule. Having the power out has wreaked HAVOC on my body. I know it has. I am planning a "jump start" right after classes let out for winter break. Other than work, I don't have too many obligations (save the above plans) until rehearsals start once again.

Fifth, I will finish all my assignments before the break ends and school begins again.

Sixth, I will allow myself a chance to finish a project. Knitting, crochet, beading, writing music, READING a book! Something I've started but can't find/make/carve out the time to finish.

I think those are plenty of goals for the time being.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I'm going to try (the world knows this is a struggle) to give myself a break. It'll happen. It'll work. I just have to learn that it's ok and it's NOT always going to be failure if I'm not perfect all the time or know all the answers. I don't have to FIX everyone. I sometimes need to just sit back and breathe!

Here's to lofty but attainable goals. Any kind words or advice or wisdom is strongly encouraged! :-)

I don't like kids but...

While I hang out with my wonderful extended family in Maryland I'm constantly reminded what wonderful parents my cousins and my brother and sister-in-law are. It also becomes readily apparent that my parents are incredible grandparents, as are my aunt and uncle. This being said, there are plenty of people for the plethora of children to talk to, play with, jump on, put jam on, etc. Why, oh why, like a cat who KNOWS I'm allergic to it, do they insist on coming to me?

Well, I love my 4 nephews. Yes, 4 of them. 4 separate personalities and they are all hilarious and wonderful. But after about 5 minutes, I usually don't have much to say to them and we end up staring at one another like gunslingers waiting for someone to flinch. It's...well, uncomfortable. However, I've had 4 memorable moments with all of them these past 2 days and I'd like to share.

Zack - age: 10
He's got his dad's taste in music. Always worried about how he appears to his friends, he's attached to his ipod. We're seated at the airport. I'm pumped full of cold medicine and dramamine. He's bopping along to what, I assumed, is music on his ipod. He is staring at me. I ask him what he's listening to. He says: Rap. I think, "fuck, I know NOTHING about rap, this is going to be a very uncomfortable conversation if he wants to actually discuss it since I actually dislike almost all forms of rap" Then, as if cued, he asks me, "So, do you like rap"? I truthfully say, "No". He stares at me for a full second and then says, "You really should, Aunt Ali. You really should".

I nodded my congested head. Maybe he's right.

Justin - age: 7
He's the sports buff. He loves to cook. He also tends to know his limitations but doesn't let them get him down. So, at the Thankgiving buffet tonight, he comes walking over with a plate in his hand and without even missing a beat says, "Aunt Ali, will you please get me some mashed potatoes"? I don't know why, but it totally warmed my heart. Maybe it was the way he asked. Maybe it was the fact that he smiled when he said my name. Maybe I'm PMS'ing (i'm not, but isn't that what women are supposed to say to cover up that they have emotions?) but it made my heart melt.

Brandon - age: 4
I've walked into my Aunts house with my arms full of groceries and as I'm putting them down my nephew Brandon says, "Aunt Ali, will you play a game with me"? Now, how can I say no? Even though every voice in my head is screaming NOT to do this, but how can I NOT help the poor kid play a game. How bad can it be? So I put the groceries away and we set up for a game of Candyland. We are joined by two other adults and it is ON. We're having fun, waiting for dinner, stomachs growling and realizing we are just trying to get to the point where Brandon will get to the END of the damned Candy lane so we could put away the game and go eat dinner, or at least leave the sticky playroom (ok, that's what I was thinking but still...) All of a sudden, Brandon pulls the Plumpy card which throws him all the way back to nearly the beginning of the game. UGH! Now, the other two people have already won, so it's me and Brandon trying to get the 3rd place prize...now he's all the way back at the beginning! This game will never end. He looks absolutley PLEASED with himself. My brother (one of the other two adults) points out, "Uh oh, B. Aunt Ali is ahead of you." Brandon looks down at the board and for a split second I thought, "Oh shit here comes the tantrum". Instead, he assesses the situation, looks up at me and then my brother and says, "I guess I'm losing!"

Tears spurted out of my eyes from the laughter. It was a beautiful moment.

Sean age: 2
He doesn't talk. It's cool. He communicates in his own way. But he doesn't want to use his words yet. We're eating dinner. I look over and he's tried to follow his Dad but gotten stuck trying to turn sommersaults on the floor right near the buffet table. I jump up to "save" the situation and, at least, get him back to the table or with his Dad. He is turned away from me when I approach him and I tap his shoulder. He spins around, surprised, and then just beams at me. This ginormous smile that lit up the room. I picked him up and started asking him crazy questions in a bizarre voice and he began laughing! The more I talked, the more he laughed. I knew then that Sean was taking in everything we said and did. One day he's going to have a lot to say...he's just waiting for his time to speak.

Cheesy? Yeah, but I rarely get to have these sweet moments with these great boys. I do choose to bring these up rather than the 10,445 reasons I never want to actually HAVE children, but, I think I can handle being called "Aunt Ali" pretty much forever.

Texting and trusting

It's sad to say but I know 2 relationships that ended because one of the parties felt it necessary to invade the other's privacy and read his text messages.

What boggles my mind is, if you plan to engage in this privacy-invading process, do yourself a favor and make sure you are really ready to see the truth. And then, take a step back and realize you may not know the WHOLE truth based on what you see...or think you see.

While there were other factors leading to the demise of both relationships, I'm absolutely certain there would be much less anger, hurt, betrayal, and all-around bad blood if the one hadn't spied on the other.

Let's do ourselves a favor and communicate a little better. Tell the truth a bit more. And stop being afraid of confrontation.

Most of all, end the need to hold a freakin' grudge people! It's toxic and, in the end, the person you are holding the grudge about will move on and become happy while you sit there pissed off and miserable. Do yourself a favor and find the peace, it will serve you much better in the end.

Enough soapbox for today.

Lesson learned

They warned me time and time again. I listened. I swear I listened. But listening doesn't necessarily mean comprehending, understanding.

This Thursday it became crystal clear what they were saying.

I'm gullible. Vulnerable. Easy to step on.

Not anymore.

I see the situation for what it is now. So, my decision: move forward knowing the truth and NEVER put myself in a position to get hurt by her again. Sometimes this is easier said than done. However, I already know that I'm lucky as hell to have the true friends who look out for me and have my best interests at heart.

I think I'll spend more time with them, and less time with people like her .

Lesson learned.

Pretty accurate

I thought this was a fitting descprition of me.

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel. At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well. At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn. Your Fixation: Envy Your Primary Fear: To have no identity Your Primary Desire: To find yourself Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

Finding comfort *sappy post but all true*

It's always difficult to end a relationship. Whether it's a past love or a friendship, the loss is still a healed scar that was once a gaping hole. I often wonder if it's our pain that causes our hearts to give out when we grow old. Sure, the muscle gets weak and tired from pumping blood or our minds are shutting down, causing other organs to fail. However, when it comes to our emotions, our hearts, we forget that those wounds are there and they often surprise us when they sting even years later.

We often spend time thinking of the past and planning for the future. It's difficult to stay in the moment. It's one of the reasons I love acting. It's impossible to NOT be in the moment if you are doing it "right". Recently I've found another way to stay in the moment. Riding my bike causes me to be defensive, noticing everything around me, watching the cars, aware of my surroundings. Yet, when I'm just cruising at night with no cars, I'm conscious of the moment, the now. It's me, alone, and I'm feeling the wind in my hair or the sun on my face and I'm sweaty and THERE. It's beautiful. It's elegant. It's inspiring. It's like love.

I'm glad to have found another way to keep my focus on the now. It helps me keep a positive attitude and I'm reminded that I can feel the love around me.

Working on Envoy has saved me. My old friends (Lisa, Jon, Lucy, Ben, Carin, Christine, Belinda) and my new friends (Jenn, Caitlin, Steve, Mark, Grush, Molly, Summer, Laura, Darrin, Brandon, Matt, Jessica) I thank you. I'm honored to know all of you and even more so to get to work with you.

You are my comfort. My "staying in the moment". You continue to give and give and I'm grateful for it. On and off the stage.

I thank you.

I love you.

It has come to my attention:

It has come to my attention that no matter how hard you try, you can't go through life without inadvertently hurting someone. I'm so sorry if my actions have hurt anyone. Please know (whether it matters or not) that my intentions were NEVER about hurting people. Especially people I care about.

It has come to my attention that people live in their perceptions and, often, no amount of persuading or coercing or pleading or begging or wrath or rage or anger or crying or sadness will ever budge them from their beliefs. While I've learned this, I also know I would never feel right with myself if I hadn't tried. I've tried.

It has come to my attention my Jewish upbringing and my abusive past cause me an inordinate amount of guilt for things I can't ever control. I find myself feeling responsible for things that are not my fault or that I couldn't change even if I wanted to. I'm wracked with guilt that I'm happy and others are struggling. I'm full of sadness and pain that they believe I've CAUSED them pain.

It has come to my attention that I can't make everyone happy. Some people are afraid to lose the sadness/anger they hold on to. It's all they know. Success is scary.

It has come to my attention that while I believe it is important to forgive to end the poison and pain others do not believe this is important. They prefer to distrust, dislike, hate, and hurt because they understand it. Trusting is hard.

It has come to my attention that people will blame you for things that aren't your fault because they are feeling sad, guilty, hurt, angry about their own actions and they do not want to face them.

It has come to my attention that I'm not like most people. I turn the anger and blame inward while most turn it outward. This is a difficult concept to wrap my mind around but I'm working on it.

It has come to my attention that I've punished myself enough. I've apologized enough. I've blamed myself enough. I've worried about others enough.

It has come to my attention that it's time for me to be okay with being happy or I'm never going to move on.

It has come to my attention that I am in love and have love all around me and I'm grateful for it.