Full-on ANGRY, nearly 3 months later

Yup.  It's true. I'm fucking pissed.  And I'm tired of feeling guilty for my feelings.  I'm tired of feeling sorry for pathetic fat sacks of shit who believe the world is there to feed, clothe, and take care of them while they eat and drunkenly stumble their way through life.

I'm SICK of it.

Now, honestly, most of my anger is centered around one obnoxious and sad, pitiful human.  I was angry 3 months ago, tried to find my peace with it, but, truly, I'M STILL FUCKING PISSED OFF.

We talk about what "being the mature one" really means.  The fact that I didn't pummel her ass is its own grace of goodness.  She deserved it that night.  Her actions, her thoughtless and disrespectful actions (and the actions of her pathetic "friend") made me wonder WHY I worried about how much she was hurting.  WHY I spent a millisecond on asking about her well-being. WHY I still felt guilty over something that WASN'T MY FAULT, but she chose to blame me rather than realize her OWN lazy actions and bitterness and lying nature and complacency were probably MORE why she ended up alone. 

But worry and wonder I did.

But ask about and suffer guilt I did.

And it was all for nothing.  No, seriously.  NOTHING.  All I ever hoped for, (after I stopped deluding myself that people really WANT happiness and peace with one another - got two slaps in the reality face on that one in the same year - ) was that she would, AT LEAST, begin living well.  Turn her life around.  Go audition.  Take classes.  Get a job that she loves.  ANYTHING to end like those fucking Hollywood movies.   ANYTHING to show us that "she didn't need him" or us.  She gets to be the turn-around story.

Nope.

She became sad.  And sullen.  And angry.  And vindictive.  And BITTER.  And still holding on to some idea.  To quote Clifford Odets, she is "stalled like a fliver in the snow".

Violence is just not cool.  I believe that. But I've imagined how I would beat the daylights out of this bitch if I ever see her again.  It's not in my nature to actually do it, but my fantasies are quite vivid.  I imagine running after her out those doors after she dared slap him and tackling her.  I've imagined yanking her off her feet, putting her on the ground with my knee at her throat, and slapping her the same way she slapped him.  I imagine taking her down and making her admit that I'm some pathetic scapegoat she is desperate to blame because her own life is such a hot mess.  I have a big imagination.  Here's the difference between us:  I'm not gonna actually do it, you pathetic waste of skin.

 I was willing to be her silent champion.  The light of hope in this sad silence that she would figure it out and get her shit together.

Nope.

I don't hold much hope for her to make much of her life as it looks on this path.  Maybe one of her friends will remind her that the best way to grow up is NOT throw drinks and slap people you "don't like".  What, are you in 2nd grade?  

As I very much realize I need to take my OWN advice and "let it go", this is my blog.  So, while I don't actually plan to DO anything to her lazy ass, I do plan to allow myself to be angry. 

I leave you with this quote from my friend Kerry:  "Just remember, some people are like a slinky.  Their only purpose is to be pushed down stairs..."

Thank you Kerry.  And thanks, as always my friends, for letting me vent.

Love and peace to you all,

~Ali

Discipline breeds pettiness

Hello, dear reader(s), I have been exercising.  On a schedule.  With a plan to "become healthy", or healthier, in the long run.  And, of course, to change the shape my body has decided to take.  Personally I was hoping for the shape of a trapezoid, but I'm told that would take painful measures and tons of staples.  So, I've opted for society's "healthy in-shape girl!".  Ah well.

For an obsessive compulsive with anxiety issues, like myself, I find it difficult to allow myself to actually carve out time in my ridiculously busy schedule to focus on ME and do something for ME.  It all seems like a sacrifice and a waste of good sleep or other I-could-be-doing-something-more-productive time.  But, the truth is, most of the hour I, now, use to workout, used to be spent stressing over how much crap I have to do.  It was not productive at all.  It was just a crappy waste of time.

So, dear reader, I've decided to make myself #1.

This, of course, means I get to complain, bemoan, and bitch heartily about what a complete cunt this person is.  This horrible fascist¹ who is making my body do all these incredibly frustrating, muscle-fatiguing things...ME.

This entry is an example of my pettiness.

Normally I work out at 6am.  It's early enough that I can workout for an hour and still shower, eat breakfast, and get on the bus for school.  However we had a day off so I slept in.  I was planning to get some paperwork done and some things off my to-do list.  However, I couldn't concentrate because I knew I needed to workout.  So, with the knowledge, I changed into my workout clothes, checked the time and thought about which workout I wanted to do.

START IT UP
This is the easier (albeit I still sweat like hell) 24 minute workout. No resistance band work or real mat work (except push-ups and mini-abs) thus it is called: Start it up

RAMP IT UP
This is the intermediate workout (resistance bands and mat work included with abs and extra push-ups and yoga at the end). This one is 47 minutes. It kicks me in the nuts.  It's called: Ramp it Up

I'm cranky and don't really WANT to do the harder workout. But I know it's better for me. But I really don't want to. But I know in the end I'll be happier. But I really don't want to.

So I decide to flip a coin.

Heads = Start it up, 

Tails = Ramp it up.

or 

Heads = Pussy workout

Tails = Less Pussy workout

I grab a trusty nickel.  

(What?  Nickels are trusty!)

I flip the coin.

And it drops on the floor.

Tails. Ramp it up.

Well, I think maybe it's only fair if I actually catch the coin after the toss so...

I flip it again.

And I catch it.

And it's TAILS again.

Hmmmm....well, maybe two out of three (or three out of five if you count the one on the floor)

So I flip it AGAIN.

And it's TAILS AGAIN!

I sigh. And put in the damned DVD of Ramp it Up.

And now it's over. 

And I DO feel better.

And I'm glad I did the harder workout. But, seriously....

Fuck You Coin.

(For those of you who like the visual type of blog, see below)

I toss the first coin.  It lands on the floor.  AND it's Tails

I flip the coin again.  I catch it.  It's TAILS, again.

I flip the coin the 3rd time.  It's Tails. AGAIN.

Fuck you, coin.

------------------------------------------------------------------

1. As I've told Wolter, in the past, swastikas are funny.

Oh 2009!

Hi everybody!

So, it's back to the grind soon. School starts up on Monday, I've got my work cut out for me on the mock trial I'm participating in (good $$, though). I'm writing to you from my favorite new gift, my iMac computer! Still got some payments due on it, but it's not too awful.

Couple of updates: I finished the Hanukkah gift for my mom - in time for the last night of Hanukkah. Go me.

Here's a picture:

Yes, it is.  It is a replica of one of the famous broadway posters of Fiddler on the Roof.  Here's how I made it.

I got a frame.

I found the poster picture online.  It looks like this:

Then I had to flip it so it was backwards, like this:

 

I attached the backwards picture to the front of the glass frame.  Then I took tiny translucent glass beads and glued them (mosaic style) to the inside glass.  So, yeah.  The entire thing took a ginormous amount of time to complete.  Also, I ran out of beads at some point and had to abandon the project until I could GET more beads.  But, alas, it is now out of my hands and in my lovely mother's hands!  Yay!

I also completed a project for my father that had been waiting in the wings for awhile.  I have many cross-stitch projects that are half-finished and this one has been living in a state of 93% completion since 1999!  

Here it is all framed and pretty:

Other fun things include:

I got new glasses! (Haven't had a new pair since the early 90's) 

Spent the eve of the New Year with Wolter watching Iron Man and Boogie Nights!

And I finally got my boobs checked!  

Had an MRI mammogram 

and a clean bill of health!

Following all this fun, the January of HELL will commence immediately. Otherwise, I can't complain!  Life is sweet and I hope it is for you as well. :)

Peace and Love,

Ali