One of my favorite people in the world mentioned she keeps (or kept) a "happy journal". As cheesy and "new age-y" as that sounds, I was intrigued and asked her to explain. She told me that her tendency (and as I'm learning, most people in theatre or the arts in general), was to think judgmental, sad, or negative thoughts about herself. These would translate in to judgmental, sad, or negative thoughts about others. This perpetuated a circle of negativity. She decided to try to change it in hopes that she would feel better about herself and thus, others.
So she experimented with keeping a "happy journal".
Every night before she went to bed, she wrote 3 to 5 things that made her happy during the day. She had to be honest with herself. No saying she was happy about something she was "supposed" to be happy about. No telling herself that she "should feel" anything. Only things that truly made her feel good/happy were allowed to be written in the book.
At first, she found very surface things. "The apple I ate was really juicy and sweet. It made me happy". Or, "I'm happy I had the energy to get out of bed and make coffee this morning. Coffee made me happy."
As time went on, she realized there were more things she was truly happy about. And, actually, she would seek them out so she'd have something good to write down.
I kinda love this idea. Finding reasons to look for the happy in the day rather than sit back and wait for it to happen. We tend to look for the unhappy, the negative, in the day. We "gear up" for a bad day. We "tense ourselves" because we believe it will, cynically, prove to be more likely a crappy thing rather than something fun or pleasant. We're "surprised" when work is productive and fun.
Sure, maybe we want nothing more than to be out of this financial crisis, doing a job we feel feeds our souls, out of school, etc. But if we, as a community, continue to live for the "big picture" and not start living moment to moment, we really will watch our lives flitter away.
I am a grave offender of living ahead. I am full of fear that if I actually live in the moment, it will disappoint me. Therefore, I'm never truly happy. Nor am I truly sad. In actuality, I'm not actually living my life. So, my emotional life "comes out sideways". I got the negativity down pat. I don't know where I learned that if I put myself down first, it hurts less when others do it to me. Nope, it doesn't. It hurts a lot worse. It confirms what I think of myself. That's not helpful. It just makes me "right". Well, whoopie fuckin' do! I'm right that I'm worthless. Yeah, not much to do with that. So, why don't I figure out a way to like myself. To live in a happy world that will, ultimately, hurt from time to time. But probably will even out in the end. I would like to live my life with some happiness.
Recently, a girl I've met only twice, but is very close with a girl who considers me her enemy told my wonderful boyfriend that "Ali is not a nice person".
I should have laughed it off. This girl has met me twice. She doesn't know me. She's had 1 conversation with me. Her information is, faulty, at best and probably is just trying to back up her friend (which I completely get). It's funny, actually, when you think about it.
But it bothered me.
Why? Why did some girl's opinion (a girl who obviously has an agenda and something against me because of her friend) bug me? Why didn't all the loving and wonderful friends who tell me how nice I am and how much fun I am to be around and who love and adore me daily, well, why didn't their opinions outrank this one girl?
Maybe because it's easier to believe the bad stuff.
Maybe because I want everyone to like me. Even people who believe they have a damned good reason NOT to like me. I still want them to like me too.
But, life says we WILL piss off people. Sometimes we will piss off people who we desperately DON'T want to piss off. Sometimes we will piss off people we couldn't care less about, (rude, obnoxious patrons, for example). But, I'm starting to realize that no matter what, we will hurt someone. Intentional or not.
For those of you I've hurt, I'm sorry. Truly, deeply, within the depths of my soul, sorry. However, if you know me, or ever knew me, you'd know one thing about me. I never ever intend to hurt anyone. If I do, it's not pre-meditated. If you still believe I did intend to hurt you, you never knew me, you were never truly my friend, and any anger you harbor is your responsibility.
My intentions are to look for the happy. Without it, I'm not actually living my life fully. Since I'm an aethiest, I don't look at life as a dress rehearsal. This is all we've got so I might as well love it and live it fully.
I began my happy journal. It's been fun thinking of my day and the funny or happy moments throughout it. I encourage you to do some of the same. It's a really beautiful way to end the day.
Peace and love.
