Yeah.
I'm done with that.
First, I'm done judging how I feel. Seriously, if I've learned anything it's that we all HAVE these feelings. Mad, glad, sad, scared and all the squishy ones in between are part of our humanity. They are part of me. They are also my life-line to making me a good actor. Without them, or without one of them, I am less balanced. I am not a whole person. I can't just take the good and say "screw the bad". Rarely will you ever find a back without a front. A top without a bottom. A good without an evil, and so on. But, if I take away the opinion, the "bad vs. good" judgment, they all just become feelings or thoughts or situations.
So.
I'm beginning an experiment. I am going to try to look at the things I do as an experiment. "What would happen if...".
So. Rather than decide what will happen because it seems like I KNOW what would happen because it's happened that way before, or kind of like that before...maybe I need to change MY response and find out "what would happen if".
Example:
My parents plan a family vacation to Arizona. The premise is my sister-in-law's entire family is planning to be there for Thanksgiving and it would be so cool if we all joined them. I'm not close with them, but I am very attached to my family and enjoy seeing my nephews and my brother on these rare, but usually enjoyable family occasions.
The problem:
My uncle (my father's brother) lives there. Due to unforeseen circumstances (originally he was supposed to be somewhere else for Thanksgiving), he is no longer going out of town and plans to attend our family event. My uncle and I have a very bad history. In the past I endured his presence in my life because I loved and respected my Grandmother (his mother) too much to cause her any pain. I sacrificed my own comfort and well-being just to make it comfortable for the extended family (his kids and his girlfriend of 15 years) to not have to deal with the embarrassment it would cause my uncle if I outed his disgusting actions to the rest of the family. (For the record, my parents, my brother and sister-in-law DO know and still chose to communicate and spend time with him).
But. My Grandma is dead. There is no need to protect her any longer. Nor do I feel the need to play charades any more. Since it's his city, I cannot tell my uncle to leave. So, the only thing I can do is not play the game. I can NOT go. Does it suck? Yes. Do I resent the HELL out of my family for keeping his secret and protecting him? Yes. Can I change their actions? No. No I cannot. I can only change mine. (Cliche, I know, but in this case it's the truth).
So. I gear up to have the fight with my mom that I know will happen because I'm going to tell her I don't wanna go. We have the fight. She plays the martyr card and says we'll all stay home because she just doesn't want to deal with it. I get guilt-ridden and tell her I'm not saying that. On and on and on. Finally we table it for another day.
Another day comes. I approach it differently. Instead of gearing up for a fight, I decide I know what I want and unless the situation has changed (he has decided to go out of town, for example) I do not feel the need to go. I calmly state that I love my family and that I hope my love has been evident over the years. I also explain that for the little vacation time I am getting from school I do not wish to use my vacation as a game of "let's avoid the uncle and not have a panic attack". I also explain that my feelings may be strong but they are valid and I deserve to avoid possibly getting hit by the train by just not standing on the tracks.
As I calmly and rationally laid out my reasons, I imagined my muscles staying loose, my jaw releasing and my breathing stable.
An amazing thing happened, my wonderful mother was quiet and calmly said back to me, "Ali, you're right. You need to do what is going to make you happy."
You bet your ass I breathed a sigh of relief and then cried after I hung up the phone. But I responded to the "I wonder what would happen if" I just calmly say, NO. I said no, and kept my self-respect, not my guilt-ridden sacrifice.
Do I wish things could be different? Absolutely. But I don't feel like a victim in this. I took some power back. Finally.
So. What would happen if I actually allowed myself to really fucking cry about how I feel my ex hurt me and took away my dog and used him as a means to hurt me? What if I actually allowed myself to FEEL sad about the sad things rather than believe I should "be over them already" since it's been two years and I should have moved on by now? What if I actually took a long hard look at how he treated me and realized that I truly may have a case of Stockholm syndrome since I, to this day, defend many of his undefendable actions? What if I just feel the damned feelings and stop judging how I feel about them, for once?
Maybe a little peace?
Maybe a little destruction?
Maybe no change?
Maybe.
One thing is for sure, I'll certainly be going about it at an angle I didn't see coming from before. Maybe a little more conscious. Maybe a bit less judgmental.
Something other than pretending the feelings don't exist would be preferable, I believe. So, let's see what will happen.
I'll keep you posted.
Love to all of you,
Ali
