Balloon of happiness and Blackbird

So this morning, as I do most weekday mornings, I was walking to school.  I have about a 10 minute walk from my bus stop to the front door of school if I make all the lights.  It's usually a pleasant walk and fairly familiar since I've been doing it for over a year and a half.

This morning was different.  The sun was out but I wasn't getting any of the benefits of it due to the large buildings, awnings, and shadows.  No big deal, normally, but we've been having quite a winter and a bit of sun can often brighten a winter day.  

Oh well.

I continued my brisk walk with my ipod on shuffle (per usual).  Suddenly, like a lovely moment out of a movie, I stepped on a patch of sidewalk and was showered with the glorious sun!  At the same time, Sarah McLachlan's version of Blackbird (it was on the I Am Sam  soundtrack) flooded my ears.  And I smiled.  A huge, happy, love for the earth and people and life smile.

Now, this may not seem like much.  And, honestly, in the grand scheme of things, it isn't.  But I've not listened to that song much since 2006.  It was going to be the song that I walked down the aisle to at my wedding that got cancelled 2 months (yes 2 months) before the wedding date.

Considering my emotional history with that song it's been tough one to swallow and put on the ipod.  I'd actually forgotten it was part of a playlist I used backstage for a show.  I didn't hit the stage until 1/2 way through the play and in order to drown out what was actually happening on stage I listened to my ipod with very specific emotionally resonant songs. 

I was blown away by the beauty of the sun, the immediate comfort of the song, and the glorious way I felt.  I sat down on the cold, concrete benches outside my school and listened.  I breathed and listened to Blackbird and realized how far I'd come.  It was truly a splendid moment.

When I got into school, the feeling was replaced by strong focus and intense concentration on the tasks at hand, etc. etc.

I was feeling drained and tired by the end of the day.  As I trudged my way to the bus, (a slightly different route for the way home due to the bus stop), I walked by St. Andrew's Chapel.  This building always catches my eye.  I think about the people who go inside to pray or confess (as I assume it's a Catholic church).  I notice the other entrance for "counseling services" and wonder about the couples that go in there to fix their marriages or the people who just want someone to talk to.

As I continued my daydream something inside the fence surrounding the church caught my eye.  It was a balloon.  And it was just sitting there, in the shrubbery, on the other side of these bars.  Someone had written on it, "Have a Nice Day".  I was sort of stymied.  I walked past it and then turned back around!  I needed a picture.  I didn't want to disturb the balloon so my photo doesn't have all the words perfectly displayed but you get the idea.  It was just sitting there.  For all the people to see that chose to see it.

Like I said, it may not mean anything.  But for me, today, it meant something.  I hope, by posting this picture it will maybe make you smile too, and have yourself a Nice Day. :)

Peace and love to all of you.

Ali

Because I am happy!

Ok all you wonderfully cynical bastards out there. :)  I just wanted to say that I am HAPPY. While I'm aware that Valentine's Day is, technically, a Hallmark holiday...I don't care.  I'm giddy and happy and excited to say that I have a wonderful man who loves me and puts up with my crap and I get to spend the day with him.

However, I would like to point out that if I didn't have him (or someone even remotely equal in quality) I might be somewhat cranky and cynical.  Yet, I surely hope I would not just be with SOMEONE to just have someone.  If that makes sense.  

More than anything, I am HAPPY.  Not relieved to have a Valentine.  Not thankful I don't have to endure the evening alone.  I am a happy person.  It is not solely due to being with this wonderful guy, but he enhances that happiness in me.  

So, there it is.  I'm giddy and excited and pleased to say I feel good about ME.  So, for the first time I am happy to say I'm happy with ME.  And I'm thrilled I get to experience that with someone who is pretty freakin' awesome. :)

Sorry if I made some of you throw up a little in your mouth.  

But I'm happy.

So there!  :)

(Love you all! And have an incredibly wonderful Valentine's Day!  Open your heart and make sure you love yourself.  All forms of "love" acceptable.)

Full-on ANGRY, nearly 3 months later

Yup.  It's true. I'm fucking pissed.  And I'm tired of feeling guilty for my feelings.  I'm tired of feeling sorry for pathetic fat sacks of shit who believe the world is there to feed, clothe, and take care of them while they eat and drunkenly stumble their way through life.

I'm SICK of it.

Now, honestly, most of my anger is centered around one obnoxious and sad, pitiful human.  I was angry 3 months ago, tried to find my peace with it, but, truly, I'M STILL FUCKING PISSED OFF.

We talk about what "being the mature one" really means.  The fact that I didn't pummel her ass is its own grace of goodness.  She deserved it that night.  Her actions, her thoughtless and disrespectful actions (and the actions of her pathetic "friend") made me wonder WHY I worried about how much she was hurting.  WHY I spent a millisecond on asking about her well-being. WHY I still felt guilty over something that WASN'T MY FAULT, but she chose to blame me rather than realize her OWN lazy actions and bitterness and lying nature and complacency were probably MORE why she ended up alone. 

But worry and wonder I did.

But ask about and suffer guilt I did.

And it was all for nothing.  No, seriously.  NOTHING.  All I ever hoped for, (after I stopped deluding myself that people really WANT happiness and peace with one another - got two slaps in the reality face on that one in the same year - ) was that she would, AT LEAST, begin living well.  Turn her life around.  Go audition.  Take classes.  Get a job that she loves.  ANYTHING to end like those fucking Hollywood movies.   ANYTHING to show us that "she didn't need him" or us.  She gets to be the turn-around story.

Nope.

She became sad.  And sullen.  And angry.  And vindictive.  And BITTER.  And still holding on to some idea.  To quote Clifford Odets, she is "stalled like a fliver in the snow".

Violence is just not cool.  I believe that. But I've imagined how I would beat the daylights out of this bitch if I ever see her again.  It's not in my nature to actually do it, but my fantasies are quite vivid.  I imagine running after her out those doors after she dared slap him and tackling her.  I've imagined yanking her off her feet, putting her on the ground with my knee at her throat, and slapping her the same way she slapped him.  I imagine taking her down and making her admit that I'm some pathetic scapegoat she is desperate to blame because her own life is such a hot mess.  I have a big imagination.  Here's the difference between us:  I'm not gonna actually do it, you pathetic waste of skin.

 I was willing to be her silent champion.  The light of hope in this sad silence that she would figure it out and get her shit together.

Nope.

I don't hold much hope for her to make much of her life as it looks on this path.  Maybe one of her friends will remind her that the best way to grow up is NOT throw drinks and slap people you "don't like".  What, are you in 2nd grade?  

As I very much realize I need to take my OWN advice and "let it go", this is my blog.  So, while I don't actually plan to DO anything to her lazy ass, I do plan to allow myself to be angry. 

I leave you with this quote from my friend Kerry:  "Just remember, some people are like a slinky.  Their only purpose is to be pushed down stairs..."

Thank you Kerry.  And thanks, as always my friends, for letting me vent.

Love and peace to you all,

~Ali

Discipline breeds pettiness

Hello, dear reader(s), I have been exercising.  On a schedule.  With a plan to "become healthy", or healthier, in the long run.  And, of course, to change the shape my body has decided to take.  Personally I was hoping for the shape of a trapezoid, but I'm told that would take painful measures and tons of staples.  So, I've opted for society's "healthy in-shape girl!".  Ah well.

For an obsessive compulsive with anxiety issues, like myself, I find it difficult to allow myself to actually carve out time in my ridiculously busy schedule to focus on ME and do something for ME.  It all seems like a sacrifice and a waste of good sleep or other I-could-be-doing-something-more-productive time.  But, the truth is, most of the hour I, now, use to workout, used to be spent stressing over how much crap I have to do.  It was not productive at all.  It was just a crappy waste of time.

So, dear reader, I've decided to make myself #1.

This, of course, means I get to complain, bemoan, and bitch heartily about what a complete cunt this person is.  This horrible fascist¹ who is making my body do all these incredibly frustrating, muscle-fatiguing things...ME.

This entry is an example of my pettiness.

Normally I work out at 6am.  It's early enough that I can workout for an hour and still shower, eat breakfast, and get on the bus for school.  However we had a day off so I slept in.  I was planning to get some paperwork done and some things off my to-do list.  However, I couldn't concentrate because I knew I needed to workout.  So, with the knowledge, I changed into my workout clothes, checked the time and thought about which workout I wanted to do.

START IT UP
This is the easier (albeit I still sweat like hell) 24 minute workout. No resistance band work or real mat work (except push-ups and mini-abs) thus it is called: Start it up

RAMP IT UP
This is the intermediate workout (resistance bands and mat work included with abs and extra push-ups and yoga at the end). This one is 47 minutes. It kicks me in the nuts.  It's called: Ramp it Up

I'm cranky and don't really WANT to do the harder workout. But I know it's better for me. But I really don't want to. But I know in the end I'll be happier. But I really don't want to.

So I decide to flip a coin.

Heads = Start it up, 

Tails = Ramp it up.

or 

Heads = Pussy workout

Tails = Less Pussy workout

I grab a trusty nickel.  

(What?  Nickels are trusty!)

I flip the coin.

And it drops on the floor.

Tails. Ramp it up.

Well, I think maybe it's only fair if I actually catch the coin after the toss so...

I flip it again.

And I catch it.

And it's TAILS again.

Hmmmm....well, maybe two out of three (or three out of five if you count the one on the floor)

So I flip it AGAIN.

And it's TAILS AGAIN!

I sigh. And put in the damned DVD of Ramp it Up.

And now it's over. 

And I DO feel better.

And I'm glad I did the harder workout. But, seriously....

Fuck You Coin.

(For those of you who like the visual type of blog, see below)

I toss the first coin.  It lands on the floor.  AND it's Tails

I flip the coin again.  I catch it.  It's TAILS, again.

I flip the coin the 3rd time.  It's Tails. AGAIN.

Fuck you, coin.

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1. As I've told Wolter, in the past, swastikas are funny.

Oh 2009!

Hi everybody!

So, it's back to the grind soon. School starts up on Monday, I've got my work cut out for me on the mock trial I'm participating in (good $$, though). I'm writing to you from my favorite new gift, my iMac computer! Still got some payments due on it, but it's not too awful.

Couple of updates: I finished the Hanukkah gift for my mom - in time for the last night of Hanukkah. Go me.

Here's a picture:

Yes, it is.  It is a replica of one of the famous broadway posters of Fiddler on the Roof.  Here's how I made it.

I got a frame.

I found the poster picture online.  It looks like this:

Then I had to flip it so it was backwards, like this:

 

I attached the backwards picture to the front of the glass frame.  Then I took tiny translucent glass beads and glued them (mosaic style) to the inside glass.  So, yeah.  The entire thing took a ginormous amount of time to complete.  Also, I ran out of beads at some point and had to abandon the project until I could GET more beads.  But, alas, it is now out of my hands and in my lovely mother's hands!  Yay!

I also completed a project for my father that had been waiting in the wings for awhile.  I have many cross-stitch projects that are half-finished and this one has been living in a state of 93% completion since 1999!  

Here it is all framed and pretty:

Other fun things include:

I got new glasses! (Haven't had a new pair since the early 90's) 

Spent the eve of the New Year with Wolter watching Iron Man and Boogie Nights!

And I finally got my boobs checked!  

Had an MRI mammogram 

and a clean bill of health!

Following all this fun, the January of HELL will commence immediately. Otherwise, I can't complain!  Life is sweet and I hope it is for you as well. :)

Peace and Love,

Ali

Happy Journal

One of my favorite people in the world mentioned she keeps (or kept) a "happy journal". As cheesy and "new age-y" as that sounds, I was intrigued and asked her to explain. She told me that her tendency (and as I'm learning, most people in theatre or the arts in general), was to think judgmental, sad, or negative thoughts about herself. These would translate in to judgmental, sad, or negative thoughts about others. This perpetuated a circle of negativity. She decided to try to change it in hopes that she would feel better about herself and thus, others.


So she experimented with keeping a "happy journal".


Every night before she went to bed, she wrote 3 to 5 things that made her happy during the day. She had to be honest with herself. No saying she was happy about something she was "supposed" to be happy about. No telling herself that she "should feel" anything. Only things that truly made her feel good/happy were allowed to be written in the book.


At first, she found very surface things. "The apple I ate was really juicy and sweet. It made me happy". Or, "I'm happy I had the energy to get out of bed and make coffee this morning. Coffee made me happy."


As time went on, she realized there were more things she was truly happy about. And, actually, she would seek them out so she'd have something good to write down.


I kinda love this idea. Finding reasons to look for the happy in the day rather than sit back and wait for it to happen. We tend to look for the unhappy, the negative, in the day. We "gear up" for a bad day. We "tense ourselves" because we believe it will, cynically, prove to be more likely a crappy thing rather than something fun or pleasant. We're "surprised" when work is productive and fun.


Sure, maybe we want nothing more than to be out of this financial crisis, doing a job we feel feeds our souls, out of school, etc. But if we, as a community, continue to live for the "big picture" and not start living moment to moment, we really will watch our lives flitter away.


I am a grave offender of living ahead. I am full of fear that if I actually live in the moment, it will disappoint me. Therefore, I'm never truly happy. Nor am I truly sad. In actuality, I'm not actually living my life. So, my emotional life "comes out sideways". I got the negativity down pat. I don't know where I learned that if I put myself down first, it hurts less when others do it to me. Nope, it doesn't. It hurts a lot worse. It confirms what I think of myself. That's not helpful. It just makes me "right". Well, whoopie fuckin' do! I'm right that I'm worthless. Yeah, not much to do with that. So, why don't I figure out a way to like myself. To live in a happy world that will, ultimately, hurt from time to time. But probably will even out in the end. I would like to live my life with some happiness.


Recently, a girl I've met only twice, but is very close with a girl who considers me her enemy told my wonderful boyfriend that "Ali is not a nice person".


I should have laughed it off. This girl has met me twice. She doesn't know me. She's had 1 conversation with me. Her information is, faulty, at best and probably is just trying to back up her friend (which I completely get). It's funny, actually, when you think about it.


But it bothered me.


Why? Why did some girl's opinion (a girl who obviously has an agenda and something against me because of her friend) bug me? Why didn't all the loving and wonderful friends who tell me how nice I am and how much fun I am to be around and who love and adore me daily, well, why didn't their opinions outrank this one girl?


Maybe because it's easier to believe the bad stuff.


Maybe because I want everyone to like me. Even people who believe they have a damned good reason NOT to like me. I still want them to like me too.


But, life says we WILL piss off people. Sometimes we will piss off people who we desperately DON'T want to piss off. Sometimes we will piss off people we couldn't care less about, (rude, obnoxious patrons, for example). But, I'm starting to realize that no matter what, we will hurt someone. Intentional or not.


For those of you I've hurt, I'm sorry. Truly, deeply, within the depths of my soul, sorry. However, if you know me, or ever knew me, you'd know one thing about me. I never ever intend to hurt anyone. If I do, it's not pre-meditated. If you still believe I did intend to hurt you, you never knew me, you were never truly my friend, and any anger you harbor is your responsibility.


My intentions are to look for the happy. Without it, I'm not actually living my life fully. Since I'm an aethiest, I don't look at life as a dress rehearsal. This is all we've got so I might as well love it and live it fully.



I began my happy journal. It's been fun thinking of my day and the funny or happy moments throughout it. I encourage you to do some of the same. It's a really beautiful way to end the day.



Peace and love.

Truckin' along...

I'm busy. What else is new? Well, at least the busy is a bit more focused with the 101 things.

So: Here is an update. (Anything new is updated and/or bullet-pointed in RED)

Hope you are well and enjoying this lovely holiday season!

Thank you to everyone who has been so encouraging about my progress with this daunting list. :)

Peace and Love,
Ali