A moment of clarity

It bugs me when people don't like me. Sometimes I can let it go because it seems weird or irrational to me. However, when I feel like I have been myself, tried to make an effort, done my work (if it's a co-worker or boss or teacher), apologized if I've done wrong, etc. it boggles my mind why someone would just decide, for no reason other than they "just don't like me" to not like me.

I forget that often these people are dealing with their own insecurities and their own issues and I may resemble those things to them. Sometimes.

This time, it took a few jabs at my ego and a few pointed comments to make me realize that sometimes people don't want to make the effort. Sometimes people are just that bitter. Bitterness. Man, I've been teetering on that road for a while. I hate that road and I really don't feel like myself when I'm on it. It's addicting, though. It's easy to feel like you're accomplishing something when you jump on it. It motivates you, gets your blood pumping, makes you have a goal, it fills your sad and empty soul up with SOMETHING. You begin to believe that you NEED the bitterness in order to survive. I did. I was starting to. I don't want it anymore. I'm walking away from that path with my head up and a bit of clarity.

I've been so busy worrying about later and success and acheiving some weird goal I set out for myself in an effort to have something to shoot for (go goal-oriented people), I completely forgot who I was and, honestly, I'm a pretty good person. I love animals. I love people. I will go out of my way for my friends and family and, honestly, it's about fucking time I allow myself some time to fall back in love with ME. I've spent so much time beating myself up for feeling badly. Beating myself up for hurting other people. Beating myself up for taking the time to beat myself up! I've forgotten that we all make mistakes. We all choose things we're not always the most proud of. We've all wished we could have "played that out differently". But they never taught me in school how to forgive myself for not "getting it" right away. Whatever "it" was. I always believed I was just an idiot if I didn't understand immediately. I wanted to be successful right away because if I wasn't it meant I didn't get the job or the callback or the audition or the agent. It meant that I would get smeared by the critics and people would remember what a bad actor I am and that would translate into being a terrible person.

I'm not a terrible person.

I'm a good, and decent person who loves to bring people together with the right projects. I'm a good and decent person who takes the time to listen and care about others feelings. I'm a good and decent person who doesn't feel afraid or bitter when others succeed. I ENJOY the success of those I love.

I love Chicago theatre. Most of the time, we HELP each other acheive things. It's for the good of the show. It's for the better of the experience. I LOVE that. I'm tired of trying to "get it" on the first try and thinking I've FAILED because it takes me a little while to get there. It's ok. The more I do it, the better I'll get.

I won't be like her. I won't teach a student 15 years younger than me and "act as if" I'm critiquing her classwork when I'm really scared shitless she's getting the roles I should have gotten at her age. Or will. Or might. I'm done going down her path. I will work in her class but her opinion is just that. I will learn from what she teaches me (maybe not right away but I will) and I will thank her, eternally grateful, that I've seen what could have been if I don't start to fix it now.

Dulling the edges and enjoying the view.

I think I'm finally "getting it". But if I'm not, or there's more to "get", well, Ok. I'm kinda OK with that right now.

Love and love and love and peace to all.

My Zoo

I know people think I'm crazy to live in a studio with a dog, a rabbit, a chinchilla, 2 rats and my boyfriend. It does get busy around here. But the truth is, I LOVE them all. And while Wolter and I recognize we may have gone "overboard" considering the space we actually have, we just love these little guys too much to not do everything possible for them.







Which brings me to Wilson.























He's the one on the right.

The little one.

And he's sick.

Wolter and I are really concerned about him and have gone out of our way to help him since he's pretty young, for a rat.


Our vet came in on his day off to give him medications and treatments because HE was worried about him.


After mucho money was spent, we finally took him home in hopes he would turn the corner and start getting better. This has yet to happen. He takes a few steps in the right direction and then falls backwards.


We're trying to keep a positive outlook and the vet tells us he gave him some steroids which might have compromised his immune system. This reason could be why he's not "getting better faster".


So we're playing a waiting game. I take him in next Thursday for a visit so hopefully there will be better news after that.


People might think we're crazy but we love the little guy. He's wicked smart and too cute for words.


Other than that, financially we're swirling around an unflushable toilet. I'm hoping that after picking up some shifts at VGT I'll be able to help re-build the savings we've hemhorraged for various needs.


Being poor gets really old really fast. However, Wolter and I will be living financially "strapped" for, at least, another year while I finish school at ACT ONE. After that ends, I will, hopefully, be able to pay off my tuition with "work study" hours (as I'm currently doing from now through the rest of the semester) and get a job/job to help supplement the financial strain my dream is putting on me and this wonderful guy who has agreed to support me, live in a tiny apartment, cook, clean often, put up with my emotional insanity, and be all-around a wonderful person.



He's the tits.









































Maybe he'll read this and realize that sometimes I suck at saying it out loud, but he's wonderful.



:)



Happier blog in the future, I'm sure. Keep Wilson in your thoughts if you're able. He's a sweetie who deserves all the good vibes he can get.

So it's summer and...

So it's summer! Huzzah! Happiness is touching my soul! So much has happened that I will probably have to bullet-point in order to even get the highlights in:



In no particular order:

1. School's out! For the Summer!!!!


2. Our final show, Hot L Baltimore, went...well.


3. We had our final evaluations at school to determine whether we were being asked back for next year (I am) and what they expect of us (I need to just be a student and stop worrying about "not making it yet")


4. My family went to Disney World for 4 days and had A BLAST! (pictures to come at some point...when I have 3 seconds)


5. I read a non-theatre/non-acting/non-play book! Excitement! (Speaker For The Dead by Orson Scott Card)


6. I am currently reading the next book in the series (Xenocide).


7. I am riding my bike as much as humanly possible (and for those of you who knew about the back-brakes thief, I did get new brakes put on)


8. I am working at both, Victory Gardens AND at Act One (to help pay for tuition next year!)


9. My zoo is doing well...(Chinchilla- McGreevey, Rats - Dante and Wilson, Rabbit - Blue, and Chihuahua dog - Sparky)


10. I have to save $400 by November to get another damned round of headshots! Grrrr. But it's good I'm just grr about the money.


11. Jon and I had a HUGE leak in the kitchen b/c the stupid people in my building use chemicals on crappy pipes. We may have to get a new cabinet for under the sink. It smells gross and musty. Ick.


12. Jon successfully killed and sprayed the plethora of silver fish living in our apartment thanks to the hot water pipe running along the baseboards of the window...and the Section 8 screaming-slob-hicks who live next door to us.


13. For my former dear readers who were interested in my blog about Sarafina the unheeded prophet, the improv went very well. My character did shine throughout and I was happy with the experience overall.


14. Our group of 10 in the conservatory has gone down to 9 b/c one of the girls (the craziest one) has NOT been asked back.


15. I'm going to see Avenue Q in a few days. Truly excited about that show! Saw it in NYC about 6 years ago and fell madly in love with it!


16. I'm drinking a lot of water.


17. I'm having 2 girls nights out in one weekend! I can't believe it. I never have nights out and almost never girl's night's out!


18. There's a bunch of summer movies I'm planning to see: Indiana Jones, Dark Knight, Sex and the City (no judgements, I do have a vagina and I did enjoy that show)


19. I'm ridiculously obsessed with 2 reality shows: Top Chef (until last week at least since I know the chef who was eliminated) and Step it up and Dance (which Jon and I lovingly call Shut up and DANCE!)


20. Fail dogs, fail blog, xkcd, post secret, lol cats, and lol dogs are a few things that make me happy.


21. Also, Scrabbulous.


22. And Peggle. Seriously. Download that game. Popcap games. It's the most addictive thing since Tetris.


23. And I'm learning that whether you believe in Karma or not, it does mete out justice in its own way.

Whew. Is that enough? I'm sure I forgot some other important points. Ah well. Lovely thing about blogs and only 3 readers, you can edit and add things and it doesn't cause much grief in the grand scheme of things.

Cheers and happy days!

(Thank you fail blog for this hysterical post below. I laughed so hard it hurt!)

Secrets and Lies

Many of my 2 readers know I'm in school. Specifically I am in a conservatory program at ACT ONE studios. It's pretty great, considering it's only the 3rd year in the history of the conservatory program.¹

Classes include such gems as: Improvisation for Actors².

My teacher for this class is a staple of the Canadian Second City³ and a well-respected teacher of this work. He even wrote a book recently!⁴

Anyhow, we've started a project for the end of the semester. We were all given the assignment to search archetypes and figure out which one we wanted to be. Then we had a lengthy discussion on what an archetype is and why would we want to be this particular one. We were NOT to think about story or relationships. Just archetypes. Just pick one.⁵

Once we'd gotten sort of squared away with a choice⁶ and listed them on the infamous white board required now for schools, he explained how we were to create this improv one-act.

He begins by asking the class a question⁷: "Who has seen the movie Secrets and Lies by Mike Leigh?" No one raised their hand to agree that we had, and my teacher got a little frustrated and said, "I've been mentioning this movie since the beginning of the semester⁸ so why haven't ANY of you watched it yet?"

Um, yeah, I missed that one. Not because I wanted to (got a great cast and all) but it's not readily available in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ya Canadian! Sheesh!

So this now becomes the assignment. Well, Netflix doesn't always deliver on time and one of my wonderful classmates⁹ decided to find it at the library. What a good man! He watched it and then loaned it out to the rest of us to watch. I got it on Thursday night (class is on Fridays) and planned to bring it back on Friday morning.

Other than falling asleep while it was on, I understood why we had to watch the movie. It was definitely not the best movie I've ever seen, however, the concept is a good one. The characters were created in an improv and it wasn't until Mike Leigh¹⁰ had them flesh out the characters did he then put it all together in a story. In many cases the actors have no idea who they will be acting with until they get to the scene. "Brilliant"! I suppose.

So feeling like a person who finally "got" the joke¹¹ I was prepared to discuss this lukewarm movie in class. I go to eject the tape from my VCR machine. It does not want to release it. Hell hath no fury like the one I unleashed on the VCR. It still would not release the tape. For more fun and hellish interest on HOW we¹², ok JON convinced the machine to release the library's property, read this.

Here are a few pictures of the end results for your viewing pleasure.

You feel important. Don't you?

We BEAT YOU VCR! Wolter, Dr. Scotch, and ME!

The "fun" part about class was getting to create some information on our "character". Refresher: I am a prophet. Our teacher didn't want us to "think" about our characters, but we should put pen to paper and just write (for 10 minutes) continually about our character. He gave us some "starter" questions to help us along. Here were my answers to the questions¹³ my teacher asked us in trying to help us "Write! Not Think!"

Bathroom
25
My pet puppy
Never saving anyone
Seeing the future
Can't save anyone
Someone will listen
Smiles
Rejection
Tiresies
No children
Joan of Arc
Ted Hoerl
Baseball
Picture of my mother in a jeweled frame
Hearing the "word"
By motorbike

Upon the completion of the exercise to "Write! Don't Think!" we had to read, as the character, what we wrote. Even the nonsense. In fact, the nonsense was the most fun¹⁴!

As I sit here on Spring Break¹⁵ I remember the last thing he asked of us before we left for the week. "I want you to write more as your character and bring it in to class".

So...I decided to begin a series of blogs by The Prophet. She will be here soon to "borrow" this site and speak about her trials and tribulations and...well...life.

Stay tuned.

---

1. Many know of ACT ONE since they've been teaching actors for years. The actual conservatory is only 3 years old. So no letters...thanks. :)
2. Folks in the biz call it "improv". We're in the know.
3. Posers
4. Probably much more enjoyable than it sounds. Really. Probably.
5. Seriously, I'm the 2nd oldest person in my class and watching my teacher explain this PROCESS to my classmates was one of the most irritating things to endure. I got my sudoku-for-the-day done, though.
6. I picked mine really fuckin' quick. I'm a prophet. Yes. I. Am.
7. Teachers never learn. They never fucking learn.
8. No. No, you haven't. I listen. You haven't.
9. He's the oldest one in our program. He's 53. He could be my dad. And for some of my classmates, he could be their granddad. AHAHAHAHAH! The elderly.
10. Genius or douchebag. You decide.
11. Rectum, darn near killed him.
12. The Jon Wolter (owner and writer of THE SLOG blog) a guy I spend copious amounts of time with.
13. Demands
14. Like Disney World, but smaller.
15. Excuse to drink excessively and do NO work.
    

Even though the strike is over...

I came across this amazing video and felt compelled to add it as a blog!!! Seriously, folks, this rocks my world. :)

To the writers!!!!!!!



I'm so happy this strike is over, but the fact that these amazing actors/writers created this makes my life happy happy happy!!!

Enjoy, dear readers! Enjoy!
Pssst! Spring is coming...!!!

Little blue boy

Little blue boy
Originally uploaded by Thealibear

Many of you have asked about how Grandma Florence is doing. She is not well. About a year ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer and has fought the good fight to kill this evil disease. Recently, she began to have trouble with the medication and decided it was better for her to enjoy the end of her life rather than be stuck feeling awful from medication side effects.

Things were going along pretty much the same. She would try and eat but it was never an easy battle and she began to get weaker so she had a hospital bed put in her room at my folks house for ease of sitting up and watching TV.

On Saturday I received a call from my mom that things had changed drastically. I rushed over and the entire family had gathered around her and began telling stories. She looked terrible and seemed very much out of it. Jon Wolter and I slept there, on the floor of the room all night long and in the morning she was able to move her right arm and hand. We waited for the nurse to come in but it was fairly obvious that she had suffered a stroke.

My Dad decided it was too difficult to try and bring in nurses and caretakers at this point and wanted her to get the best care. So, he called the hospice and they brought her to Northwestern Hospital.

This is where she is now.

According to the doctors, this is where she will stay until she dies.

What's fascinating, is she has lasted much longer than any of the doctors predicted.

While she is on a morphine drip and IV fluids, she has no swallow reflex so she is not allowed to drink anything for fear she may aspirate into her lungs.

It seems amazing someone can live in this state for as long as she has at this point.

I love my grandma so much but I want her suffering to stop. She is a feisty lady who cannot even TALK! Her only means of communication are through hand-squeezing and mouthing words. She gets weaker and weaker each day...hell...each hour.

My parents are a mess. My mom and I have the same attitude. We both hope she goes peacefully, with no pain, and soon. My Dad is in denial. He actually thinks we will be taking her home in a few days and she'll live like this for months.

Let me remind you she isn't eating.

She isn't drinking.

She is on a constant morphine drip.

I hope to whatever energy/God/spiritual-what-have-you you believe in you never have to witness what I am dealing with right now. Watching this amazing woman deteriorate into nothing is heartbreaking.

Funny enough, when things get this bad, I usually am able to step up. I tend to do well in a medical crisis. (When I was 20 we almost lost my Dad to an adrenal gland tumor). I've slept at the hospital for the past two nights and I'm exhausted. I'm in good with the nurses but it's been very tough staying there in what they call a "bed-like" cushion. It's not an easy thing.

Tonight I'm home, getting a good night's sleep. My uncle is there tonight and I will probably be there again tomorrow night. We shall see.

If you pray, please add Grandma Florence to your prayers. She's a wonderful woman who lived a full life and treated her kids and grandkids and great-grandkids with love and kindness. She deserves to go peacefully and without pain.

Thank you, dear readers.

Snell

Yup, you read that right. "Snell". Normally I don't read my spam mail. However, when I was ready to mass delete just now, I realized this particular spam was from someone named "Snell". At first glance I thought it was "Smell" which wasn't much better but..."Snell"?

Anyhow, Gmail will list the first line of spam mail and this one was intriguing enough for me to just open the basic document (yes, I know most of them are stupid ads or viruses etc, but I wasn't about to download the document).

Here's what peaked my interest:
"ambiguity The waterproof televisions come with installation instructions"

Wait...huh???

Really? Waterproof televisions? Was this real or some amazing "engrish" (no offense).

So I had to read more. Here's the entire spam email:

ambiguity
The waterproof televisions come with installation instructions, but considering the complexity of the installation, it might be worthwhile to have it done professionally. After the sink comes the kitchen, with lighted shelves, and then a dining room, where the table is cantilevered from a shelf on the wall, above, far right.
He was referring to Blackie, that ubiquitous near-black potato vine, and Margarita, a lime-green one, which stole our hearts a few years ago. So he created light channels that make the floors seem as if they, too, are floating, and graze the walls with light.
And the longer you put this off, the longer you will be trading time for dollars instead of products for dollars.
You have mentioned in one of your previous interviews that it would be more appropriate to call jazz 'world music'. Grawunder of her client, who she said compares it to a sacred cleansing ritual in a fountain. Kulick transformed the recesses into display boxes with glass shelves, to hold orchids, ferns and photographs.

Yes, my dear readers. This is what spam emails have turned into. I, for one, do appreciate the spammers and their continued effort to enhance my penis. I also appreciate how many black market drugs I could buy online. Thanks Spaminators. But, really? Waterproof televisions? Blackie? Margarita? Is this the new wave of the century?

Ah...you tell me, my friends. You tell me.