Flaws

(This is a reprint of my myspace blog. Some people don't do the myspace thing --CB-- :) but I felt it was an important enough one to move to this more, personal, venue. Hell, I probably should've put it here to begin with. Either way...here is my flaw blog in all it's glory).

Seriously, people. It's tough to fuck me over so badly that I refuse to give you a second, third, fourth, hell, twentieth chance. I will reach a saturation point but if you've proven yourself caring and remorseful I'm usually persuaded out of my anger and hurt to forgive and move on.

However.

There are a few people I am forced to continue associating with that, except for the situation (work, school, family) I would have LONG since retired my friendly forgiving heart.

Most of the time, the person is well aware how they have fucked me over. And they are also smart enough to keep the fuck out of my way and not keep expecting my forgiving heart to forgive their stupid asses.

However.

At the moment I am dealing with 3, yes THREE people who just are THAT stupid to think I don't see them for who they are. They actually think that just because I've forgiven them in the past I'm willing to take them back no matter how many of their footprints are on my back.

However.

I don't feel badly about NOT taking them back. This is a first. Hopefully a first of many. I am always saying that if someone apologizes I am always willing to listen. I still believe that.

These three morons have not apologized. Well, at least not like a human being might. Telling a mutual friend that you know you fucked up and should probably apologize and make it up to me is not the same as actually apologizing to ME and telling ME you will try to make it up to me. I'm just saying.

So.

While my forgiving nature is still intact, I'm laughing my way through my dealings with these people. Lord knows I'm not without flaws (forgiving people who probably don't deserve it), but at least I still have my head together. And hell, life would be so boring without morons like these three to laugh at!

Peace and love to you all.

P.S. an amusing anecdote: about 4 hours after I posted this blog on myspace I got a friend request from a certain someone's boyfriend. I have a private profile I thought this to be a VERY odd request - I've met the man ONE TIME and it wasn't all that memorable (in other words he acted like I was pretty much non-existant) - but to be blunt, I absolutely saw it as a "ploy" for him to read this blog that clearly his girlfriend (who is a "friend" of mine on my myspace page) was paranoid enough to tell him about. Hey, all you had to do was cut and paste the damned thing and just send it to him. Here it is. In all it's glory. Go ahead and give him my url, if you can figure out how to do that basic computer skill.

Stuck

So life isn't bad. It's got some road bumps. I'm feeling sadness about my Grandma (she's really sick with cancer and it's bad. She's always in pain and it breaks my heart to watch her suffer). I worry about my Mom who is the primary caretaker for Grandma. I detest and loath my uncle and want him to go to jail and get gang raped. Just once. Mostly for disgusting things he did to me but ultimately for how he's sitting in a million dollar house in Arizona and not here with his dying mother. He's kind of a jackass.

Other than that, I'm learning that I spent 4.5 years with someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and upon learning about my Grandma (someone he loved and spent many holidays and vacations with) has done NOTHING to contact me. Seriously. I'm kind of sickened by the idea that someone I picked out a wedding dress for who told me that we would always be family no matter what bullshit we've had and he loves my family so much could just NOT send an email or even a text message to say he'd heard and he's sorry. Nothing.

So, that's how I feel. Stuck. I feel grateful that I am with someone who would put aside the crap and write SOMETHING if things were bad (and he knew about it). But I'm sad that someone I put such faith into, even AFTER we were no longer together decided I was not "worthy" of even a fucking text message. Lies. All lies, I guess is what I'm left with believing.

Ugh. Sorry for the sad blog. Love you all, always.

New Years Eve eve 2007

New Years Eve eve 2007 Jon fool
Originally uploaded by Thealibear

So, Jon and I decided that it was finally time to open this lovely bottle of champagne (Perrier Jouet) my mom gave me when cleaning out her cabinets. She doesn't drink, my dad doesn't like champagne and they'd gotten this as a gift. Um, I like champagne or free booze or free GOOD booze for that matter.

I hadn't had a very happy new year's last year for me to open it but I decided this year was going much more my way and it was definitely time to open this sucker!

Please click on the lovely photo to see the wonderful evolution of this process. :-) Oh the fun we have in our little lives.

Happy New Year to all of you. I will be spending mine in the NEW home of my wonderful friend, ADAM who is moving here ON NEW YEARS EVE! :-) Peace!

Liars

Ok. We all tell small white lies. But when you lie all the time or lie when it's convenient to your life but fucks with someone elses, well, you tend to get a reputation.

Believe me. If you lie to me once and I know or learn about it, (let me name one or two: Birthday party plans...sick relatives...) I will never ever trust a word you say to me again unless you come clean, we talk about it, etc etc etc.

Continue to lie to me and you've lost a great friend. I know I'm a good friend. I love the people that treat me well and I even give more of myself to those who probably didn't deserve a second chance. But, well, I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of being lied to. And EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT LYING THIS TIME I don't care because you've fucked me over too many times before.

Peace.

(To the 99% of you that this doesn't affect, I LOVE YOU!)

Fork Toss 2007

Fork Toss 007
Originally uploaded by Thealibear

We finally decided to buy some new flatware. Our old crap was, well, crap. Here is the happy exodus of our crappy-ass forks, spoons, and knives. Sing a happy song!


(Click on the picture to see the rest of the set in this fun ritual!)

Been thinking...I need some new goals.

Been thinking about what it means to be a good person. I don't just mean being good towards others, but also being good to yourself. How does one actually go about that without having to be a little (or a LOT) selfish? Isn't that the essence of NOT being a "good person" if you have to become self-absorbed in yourself in order to take care of yourself so you can be a good person to YOURSELF...and others?

I wonder about these things.

I look at my life and I know I have flaws. I know I'm not the best apple in the bunch, but I'm still aware that I'm pretty damned good. Yet, I give people the benefit of the doubt. Yet, I give people "too many chances" to prove themselves time and time again. Yet, I create a world of frustration and lose my ability to manage my time because I extend myself too far. How do I balance this? How do I take the time I need for ME?

Ok, then, what exactly does that mean? I am in school (taking time for me) but school is so busy that I don't always get to take "me" time. Does "me" time have to include the fact that I'm in school or do I get "time away from school 'me' time"?

Sigh.

I know I'm making this slightly more complicated than it needs to be. All in all, I just need to learn to say NO to people. I need to learn that I deserve my time. I deserve Ali time. I guess that time is whatever will help me relax, free myself from ME.

It's amusing. I'm all over the map with this but the common-ground my teachers have told me is how much I need to learn to relax! I know! Is this really a surprise? I am over-simplifying it, of course, but as much as I can take on the world, I really need to stop proving it. I'm taking to heart the RIGHT to "start over" correctly. Or just start over and be ok with not having all the answers. Or being "right" or "perfect" all the time. I know. Cliche as it may be, I'm working on it.

Ok. So, in the spirit of my wonderful friend, Adam, I am going to make a promise to myself. I am going to focus on a few life goals. Some will be short-term, some will be long/life-long term.

First, I am unwaveringly going to continue to see theatre. There is plenty of good, cheap, free-ish theatre. I must go to it. I've had a list of 9 plays I need to see before January 15th (when the last one closes) that I can see for $15.00 or less per ticket. I need to DO that. I've tried to keep up with it and write a blog on Myspace for each show I've seen. Get my observance "chops" back up. It's important for me to keep ON that.

Second, I am getting my finances in order. This is a bit tricky because it entails a myriad of pieces to the puzzle, but I believe I can square away MOST of it.

Third, I will start a "formal" routine (daily/weekly) of exercise/relaxation. I believe I need to incorporate BOTH into my day so why not use my need for efficiency and combine them. In some cases I can do yoga (strengthing AND relaxing) and counter-act it with some type of cardio. I'm hoping to be running 1 mile a day for 5 days a week. If it increases, hurray! If not, well, I think running at ALL will be good for me.

Fourth, I need to get on a regular, healthy eating schedule. Having the power out has wreaked HAVOC on my body. I know it has. I am planning a "jump start" right after classes let out for winter break. Other than work, I don't have too many obligations (save the above plans) until rehearsals start once again.

Fifth, I will finish all my assignments before the break ends and school begins again.

Sixth, I will allow myself a chance to finish a project. Knitting, crochet, beading, writing music, READING a book! Something I've started but can't find/make/carve out the time to finish.

I think those are plenty of goals for the time being.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I'm going to try (the world knows this is a struggle) to give myself a break. It'll happen. It'll work. I just have to learn that it's ok and it's NOT always going to be failure if I'm not perfect all the time or know all the answers. I don't have to FIX everyone. I sometimes need to just sit back and breathe!

Here's to lofty but attainable goals. Any kind words or advice or wisdom is strongly encouraged! :-)

I don't like kids but...

While I hang out with my wonderful extended family in Maryland I'm constantly reminded what wonderful parents my cousins and my brother and sister-in-law are. It also becomes readily apparent that my parents are incredible grandparents, as are my aunt and uncle. This being said, there are plenty of people for the plethora of children to talk to, play with, jump on, put jam on, etc. Why, oh why, like a cat who KNOWS I'm allergic to it, do they insist on coming to me?

Well, I love my 4 nephews. Yes, 4 of them. 4 separate personalities and they are all hilarious and wonderful. But after about 5 minutes, I usually don't have much to say to them and we end up staring at one another like gunslingers waiting for someone to flinch. It's...well, uncomfortable. However, I've had 4 memorable moments with all of them these past 2 days and I'd like to share.

Zack - age: 10
He's got his dad's taste in music. Always worried about how he appears to his friends, he's attached to his ipod. We're seated at the airport. I'm pumped full of cold medicine and dramamine. He's bopping along to what, I assumed, is music on his ipod. He is staring at me. I ask him what he's listening to. He says: Rap. I think, "fuck, I know NOTHING about rap, this is going to be a very uncomfortable conversation if he wants to actually discuss it since I actually dislike almost all forms of rap" Then, as if cued, he asks me, "So, do you like rap"? I truthfully say, "No". He stares at me for a full second and then says, "You really should, Aunt Ali. You really should".

I nodded my congested head. Maybe he's right.

Justin - age: 7
He's the sports buff. He loves to cook. He also tends to know his limitations but doesn't let them get him down. So, at the Thankgiving buffet tonight, he comes walking over with a plate in his hand and without even missing a beat says, "Aunt Ali, will you please get me some mashed potatoes"? I don't know why, but it totally warmed my heart. Maybe it was the way he asked. Maybe it was the fact that he smiled when he said my name. Maybe I'm PMS'ing (i'm not, but isn't that what women are supposed to say to cover up that they have emotions?) but it made my heart melt.

Brandon - age: 4
I've walked into my Aunts house with my arms full of groceries and as I'm putting them down my nephew Brandon says, "Aunt Ali, will you play a game with me"? Now, how can I say no? Even though every voice in my head is screaming NOT to do this, but how can I NOT help the poor kid play a game. How bad can it be? So I put the groceries away and we set up for a game of Candyland. We are joined by two other adults and it is ON. We're having fun, waiting for dinner, stomachs growling and realizing we are just trying to get to the point where Brandon will get to the END of the damned Candy lane so we could put away the game and go eat dinner, or at least leave the sticky playroom (ok, that's what I was thinking but still...) All of a sudden, Brandon pulls the Plumpy card which throws him all the way back to nearly the beginning of the game. UGH! Now, the other two people have already won, so it's me and Brandon trying to get the 3rd place prize...now he's all the way back at the beginning! This game will never end. He looks absolutley PLEASED with himself. My brother (one of the other two adults) points out, "Uh oh, B. Aunt Ali is ahead of you." Brandon looks down at the board and for a split second I thought, "Oh shit here comes the tantrum". Instead, he assesses the situation, looks up at me and then my brother and says, "I guess I'm losing!"

Tears spurted out of my eyes from the laughter. It was a beautiful moment.

Sean age: 2
He doesn't talk. It's cool. He communicates in his own way. But he doesn't want to use his words yet. We're eating dinner. I look over and he's tried to follow his Dad but gotten stuck trying to turn sommersaults on the floor right near the buffet table. I jump up to "save" the situation and, at least, get him back to the table or with his Dad. He is turned away from me when I approach him and I tap his shoulder. He spins around, surprised, and then just beams at me. This ginormous smile that lit up the room. I picked him up and started asking him crazy questions in a bizarre voice and he began laughing! The more I talked, the more he laughed. I knew then that Sean was taking in everything we said and did. One day he's going to have a lot to say...he's just waiting for his time to speak.

Cheesy? Yeah, but I rarely get to have these sweet moments with these great boys. I do choose to bring these up rather than the 10,445 reasons I never want to actually HAVE children, but, I think I can handle being called "Aunt Ali" pretty much forever.