Welcome to Ali-land

I know I said it was going to be a while but...

2009-12-01T18:55:00.006-06:00

I just had to post that my voice over website is up! I'm THRILLED! I am so happy with how it turned out.

So! Now time for promoting and getting me an agent! :)

Check it out here if you feel so bold, and remember to turn on your sound! :)

Peace and Love,

Ali

Would kill to be on a show like this one!

Thumbs up, Tick. Thumbs up.

Time-out

2009-11-29T12:48:00.004-06:00

Hey everyone! I'm taking a short time-out from this blog to work on my other blog. If you're interested in checking it out it's called Accountable Process.

www.accountableprocess.blogspot.com

Although it's towards a very specific goal, (well, goals), I am posting there every day and would LOVE some love all up there!

Check it out. And, trust me, I'll be back here soon.

Peace and Love,

Ali

News, Everybody!

2009-11-23T15:45:00.004-06:00

Hi. Been a while. Been quite a while.

There's been a LOT of changes and, then, very few changes.

I think I'll post the updates as they come...got a few events in the works.

So, for one of my SHORTEST blogs ever (holy crap!), here is the most recent news:

I have been cast in a feature film called Fall Away. I'm super excited about it. Here's a bit about the film:

"Fall Away is a feature film scheduled for production in January 2010. Written and directed by award winning filmmaker Julian Grant, starring Grant Stokes, and produced by Boris Wexler,“Fall Away” follows the life and death of Jake, the secretly bi-sexual lead singer of an alternative country band who gets brutally murdered in a Chicago alleyway."

Yes, yes, yes! And I play the back-up singer, Pat, (the sister of Jake).

It's quite exciting!

If you want updates on the film here's the website! Subscribe to the blog! They will be posting updates as we shoot!!!! :)

www.fallawayfilm.com (website for the film)

http://fallawayfilm.blogspot.com (direct link to the blog!)

One last, quick, thing... I know it's incredibly weird, this business of "acting". Those who are in it understand this better than those who aren't...especially the family members...

Some actors tell the world when they are auditioning. They tell all the details and are more than happy to "tell all". They have no qualms talking about the audition (good or bad) and will give all the gory details (good or bad)

Then there are the other types of actors.

These actors REALLY, no I mean REALLY don't want to talk about their auditions. Some actors can discuss it after the audition is over, citing, "well it's now out of my hands...what happened, happened". Others, don't even want to think about it when it's over. That definitely includes explaining what that "10:15am appointment downtown" actually meant. It's often due to superstition, or just feeling like there's so much emotion that goes into each audition. There is so much rejection when you are not called back or cast.

I fall into the latter category. I DO NOT TALK ABOUT MY AUDITIONS. I will almost NEVER tell you if I am auditioning for something. I may only reflect that I "did audition for that" if it's plenty of months later. I am not superstitious about it, I just don't want to talk about it.

If you've encountered a "talkative actor" (redundant?), they will absolutely tell you about it. They will probably announce it on their facebook status. In that case, by all means, they've invited questions. Go ahead and knock yourself out.

So. Just like a woman you may THINK is pregnant, if you're not sure which actor type you're dealing with, it may be better not to ask the question. :)

Actor Taking a Stand (Part 2)

2009-09-23T10:34:00.005-06:00

One of my beloved teachers and mentors, Ted, told me a good actor is a smart actor. An actor who does his/her homework and researches and learns, will be an overall BETTER actor. I've always believed this.

I find myself to be a perpetual student. A student of life, a student of knowledge, a student of puzzles. It is difficult to come to grips with the fact that there really is no "right" answer all the time, in acting. However: Casting Directors, Theatre Directors, Producers, fellow Actors, Writers, etc. etc. etc. will constantly use this term when they are talking about one thing: the acting BUSINESS.

"There is a 'right' way to send in a submission"
"There is a 'right' to act when entering an audition room
"There is a 'right' way to approach an auditor at a party or on the street"
Etc.

The business side of acting. It's ugly, we don't like it, but most of us have learned over time that there is more than just 'nailing the monologue'.

So, like a good student who wants to learn the most she can, I study. I read all the books/articles/blogs I can get a hold of. I ask former teachers, collegues, friends, etc. to help put me as a contender in this business.

Here are some things present in almost every tip I've gotten and every book/article/blog I've read:

WRITE THANK YOU NOTES

Something I do very well is write thank you notes. Mom ingrained that notion when I was a little girl and for every present I am sent, a thank you note goes out. The same thing goes for acting. I send them to theatre companies, casting directors, directors, or whomever I know the name of that took the time to audition me. In my opinion, it's a NICE gesture.

I will note here, that I've only ever received 7, yes SEVEN responses from companies that have THANKED ME for coming into their auditions/callbacks, etc. That's all. Seven In the day and age of the internet where everyone has an email address, it's astounding that the other side doesn't think that it would feel good to give a thank you. I gotta say, I don't even mind when they are FORM email thank you's! They are so far and few between I'm pleased as punch to GET one.

BE PLEASANT TO EVERYONE

This one also seems like common sense, but you never know. I am pleasant to EVERYONE at an audition. Having BEEN a casting director, producer, writer, assistant director, monitor, I've learned that you have NO IDEA who is actually giving you the "sheet to fill out" or your "on-deck".

Um, so, it also helps when the monitor is pleasant to us. I've had MANY an experience of feeling "afraid" to ask a question of the monitor for fear she/he will be "annoyed" with my "stupid" question. I've seen monitors roll their eyes and act just as unprofessionally as can be while actors are trying to get centered and work on their "moment before". Also, keep us updated on a situation. If things are running behind, just alert us. Keep us informed and you'll meet with a much more patient group of people. We know it's not your fault things are behind. It helps when you apologize about it. We're less likely to lose focus and have a crappy audition. So, yeah, rule of thumb for monitors, treat it like it's a job-job. Think of it this way: you've GOT a job, we're interviewing FOR a job.

MAKE SURE YOU PROOF READ YOUR COVER LETTERS/EMAILS

I have decent writing skills. I proofread my emails before I respond, I proofread my thank you notes before sealing the envelopes. Again? Common practice.

Emails.

Let's get into this. I realize we are all busy people. But as I stand up for actors everywhere, you have to know we are JUST AS BUSY AS THE CASTING DIRECTOR, PRODUCER, CASTING ASSISTANT, ETC! Sometimes, moreso. Actors struggle with every word of an email. Rereading it twice, three times, four times to make sure the "tone" is correct. We've been told over and over again to 'be nice'. 'Casting directors, and directors, and producers, are people too'.

But so are actors.

And, honestly, no offense to ANYONE on the "other side of the table" (trust me, I've been there)but our feelings are just as fragile. Often times, more than we'd ever like you to know. So. Please extend the same courtesy in your email-responses that we do for you.

Here's an example of what I mean:

I received an email from a theatre company I'd heard of but had not actually seen any of their productions. Truth be told, I'm not certain how they'd heard of me since I didn't ever submit my materials to them. Anyhow, the email was a "form" style, inviting a select few to audition for the upcoming show in their season. They specifically name this particular show and invite those on the email list to find the sides on their website. As always, I was flattered to get "chosen" to audition. (That feeling really never gets old, right?). I looked over the two dates of the email and realized I was not available for either audition date. Furthermore, as I surfed to their website, I realized the dates of the show conflicted with a few major things planned, including a family wedding I had already responded "yes" to.

But, I didn't want to miss an opportunity to audition for them. Afterall, they'd sought me out. I wanted to let them know I was appreciative and hoped to work with them in the future.

I emailed them back.

"Thank you so much for your invitation to audition for [insert show name here] I am, unfortunately, not available for this project.
I do appreciate the opportunity and hope you will, please, keep me in mind for future projects, though.
All the best,

Alexandra Goodman"

In the email I specifically sited the show they were doing but, as you can see, it's a fairly standard RESPECTFULLY WRITTEN email.

The response I get is one line, saying that "these are the general auditions for the all projects coming up this year."

Yup. That's it. No "Dear Alexandra" no "We're sorry you're unable to make it. These are, unfortunately our generals for the whole season. We will keep you on file, but encourage you to resubmit to us later in the season."

Nope.

I felt like a jackass for "missing" their opportunity. And a "too bad, so sad" attitude from THEM.

Um, really?

I mean, wow. It made me NEVER want to audition for them again. Seriously, they'd have to be doing my favorite play with a role I just HAD TO PLAY for me to consider it.

Rudeness goes BOTH WAYS.

So should courtesy.

Even though I was taken aback, I did respond to that "terse" email with this:
"I'm definitely sorry to have to miss it.
Thank you, again, for thinking of me.
All the best,
Alexandra Goodman"

Raise your hand if you think I got a response to that one? Anyone?

You're right.
I didn't.

The problem, again, is there are so many of us. So we allow these auditors to treat us like this and we TAKE it because we need the work. We want the work. We're desperate to perform. We tell ourselves, " eh, it's not a big deal". But it is.

Actors! Our self-esteem and self-worth is so in the toilet that we have to remember we don't need this kind of aggravation in our lives. If we don't treat ourselves well, no one will treat us well.

PLEASE realize there are dozens and dozens of directors, producers, casting directors, agents, writers, etc etc etc who WILL treat you with respect. The point is to recognize THEM.

I guarantee you I WANT to work for any of the 7 companies that sent me a thank you note. Truly. I'd go out of my way to be available. A little bit of respect goes a long way.

Honestly, I've had some AMAZING experiences with auditions where I know I bombed, but they treated me so decently I didn't actually WANT to go home and down a pint of Ben and Jerry's. And THESE are the companies you should want to work for. Not the ones that make it seem like you should be HONORED to just GET an AUDITION with them.

We have to remember something. Most people say, "crap I gotta go to work today." Or "Ugh! I don't WANNA go to work today". It's rare you'll hear an actor say, "I don't WANNA do a show today". Artists in general are born workhorses. We WANT to work. We CRAVE the work. How many managers can say that about their employees?

If we start respecting ourselves, Actors, I just know we can beat this trend of rudeness, anxiety, and self-doubt. We deserve more. Let's expect it from now on.

Actor Taking a Stand (part 1)

2009-09-09T06:55:00.003-06:00

I've been an actor for 29 years. From day 1 I was told, "Do something else if you can because this is a very difficult career choice". Throughout my life there were variations on that theme. Often, I listened and tried other avenues, but I always came, and continue to come back.

Why?

I love acting. I love actors. I love scripts, and sound-booths, and stage managers, and costume designers, and techies, and DP's, and directors, and dramaturgs, and set designers, and sound designers, and engineers, etc. etc. etc.

I do it, because I love it.

So why do our fellow artists often insist on making us pay, dearly, for this love?

I'll explain this in a minute.

These are economically hard times, right? I don't know of any one person getting an artistic subsidy from the government. Would be nice, right? Well, sadly, they are not handing them out. We, artists, are forced to "act as though" our career choice is, essentially, a hobby.

A hobby.

With an average of 4 hours per weekday in rehearsals and often 4-6 hours on the weekend, NOT including tech week or shows, it's like having a second, very intense, part time job.

But you're not getting paid.

Hey, Starbucks employee: you know how you work those extra 24 hours per week on top of your OTHER job? Well, we're not planning to pay you for any of it. Not even $5/week because we believe you can't put a price on talent. We appreciate your service so much we'll pay you in thank you's. And we'll just put your name on this wall of appreciation with your picture. Thanks for all your training and fantastic customer service. You're quite a talent and we're lucky to have you. You are quite the professional.

Yeah, that one would go over like a lead balloon.

Now, before you insist I'm making this all about money and NOT seeing the other side of the coin, understand, this is not the situation. Like I said earlier, I've been in this business a long time. I'm well-versed with the budget of a theatre company, especially one just starting out, and I fully understand the lack of funding for the cast when you're dumpster diving just to finish making the set or costumes. Been there. Used my OWN money. Done it.

But, I'm taking a stand, finally, and saying, I'M DONE WITH IT. I have a "pay to play" attitude. Mind you, I'm not talking a big wad of money. Just treat me like a human who treats THIS like a professional. $5/week. $50/rehearsal process. SOMETHING.

"Pay to Play" is my new outlook with only 2 exceptions:

1) if the money raised is going to charity. That is something we all could add a little more money to. And by charity I do mean a good cause, not for your buddy's ability to hold ANOTHER fund-raiser. Or a kegger

2) if the role is so incredible (a bucket-list role, if you will) or for the director of my dreams.

Other than that, I'm done acting for a hobby.

Actors act as though they will NEVER GET CAST AGAIN after "this" show. Their egos and hearts and confidence shatters with the thought that, "holy crap! I have to start this process all over again!" It's frustrating and scary. And with the continued increase in actors on the street, and theatre companies dying out due to the economy, it always feels like an uphill battle. Always.

I used to try and think of this business as a commission-based job. You know, you try to land the client (auditions) and then you perform your services (rehearsals/performance). In any other career you'd expect payment at the completion of your services. But we actors are often stuck in volunteer land. Doing it for free. Doing it to help the theatre company that may reward you with a chance to become an associate of the company where you will come in on your days off to help build the sets, sew the costumes, drive the u-haul, etc, all for the chance to be part of a theatre company that still won't pay you.

It may seem like I'm a bit bitter. I'm not. I'm just seeing the forest for the trees. I used to audition for ANYTHING. Anything. Because I believed it was better to be cast than not. At least I was a "working actor". I believed I was doing it for the "love" and nothing could stop me. But because the company didn't say "community theatre" it didn't mean that I wasn't doing community theatre. Volunteer theatre. Hell, at least in community theatre they pay for the royalties of big shows. Often in small theatres, in order to avoid the cost of royalties, the director or company member decides to "write his own script" and it will be "experimental" and "less costly" and "minimalist". And when you get there, you often have an un-workshopped, over-written script that, (even with the best actor who is hoping for at least a good shout out in the critic's review), is ALL the critic sees and bashes in his/her review.

Now, no one is forcing actors to be actors. But, I can believe, that like myself, many actors really cannot find another calling like this one. It's frustrating. It would be so much easier if there were some other aspect, a money-making one, for instance that was the calling instead. Does the world truly believe we'd put ourselves through financial and certain frustrations just for attention?

Maybe so.

(In part 2 I will tell a true story about how "professional theatre" treated me in an email where I declined auditioning for their show due to scheduling conflicts)

ENOUGH!

2009-06-25T16:38:00.003-06:00

Short and sweet, I MUST address this.

Michael Jackson was a PEDOPHILE. He touched kids.

His death was symbolic after the first accusation and continued as a long drawn-out and pathetic battle these past years.

We lost the innocence of a pop icon who charmed us in our youth and made pretty fantastic pop songs we remember with nostalgia and glee.

But! He stopped creating such great tunes MANY YEARS AGO. You have not lost ANYTHING except a pathetic PEDOPHILE who hated himself so much he PRACTICALLY DEFORMED HIMSELF and HELD HIS CHILD OVER A BALCONY. This was a SICK man. SICK. S.I.C.K!!!!

So, by all means, grieve for the image you had through the Pepsi ads and the moon-walk and the one-sparkly-white-glove. Grieve for the really gnarly music and incredible Thriller video that scared you and yet you couldn't stop watching. Grieve for a musical genius who stepped over the line from genius to SICK and INSANE. But, seriously, you should have been grieving for YEARS. Because this PEDOPHILE doesn't deserve your sympathy.

Get your motherfucking hands off our kids you sick and pathetic waste of skin.

That's my eulogy, Michael. See ya, you SICK FUCK.

Peace and Love,

Ali

Update of 1001 things in 101 days as of 06/11/2009

2009-06-11T12:09:00.002-06:00

Real post coming soon. This here's just an update.

Peace and love to you all,

Ali

1. Hit my goal weight (and maintain it)
~~2. Send the trains~~
3. Sell the beanies
4. Sell the Magic the Gathering cards
5. Sell the wackies
~~6. Get proposed to~~
7. Finish Stop...Look...Listen scrap book
8. Go to 10 shows I'm not directly involved in

My Left Breast/Back Story
A Christmas Carol
Little Foxes
Parlour Song
The Fugget Show

9. Go to 5 shows where I don't have a friend in it.

Avenue Q
Bronx Tale

10. Move/buy a bigger place
11. Finally scan all my photos
12. Organize all my photos
13. Read 3 classic books
14. Semi-supine every day for 1 month
~~15. Finish Mom's awesome Hanukkah gift~~
16. Write 10 actual letters
17. Finish any/all 1/2 done cross-stitch projects

Finished the lighthouse for Dad

18. Learn how to use a sewing machine

~~19. Go Vote~~

20. Refile/organize monologue box

Finally started to tackle that...

21~~. Get my MRI mammogram~~

22. Take a tap class
23. Take a jazz class
24. Take a modern class
25. Take a circus class
26. Finish the Ender series

Ender's Game
Speaker For the Dead
Xenocide
Children of the Mind
Ender's Shadow
Shadow of the Hegemon

27. Take a "day job" that gives 2 days off in a row
28. Visit K. in New York
29. Visit Raina in Tennessee
30. Do film, as much as possible

Been submitting for student films and indie features
booked on The Defiled directed by Julian Grant (filming summer 2009)
booked on a promo for Project Runway (shot 6/9/2009)

31. Get an agent - one who cares about me

Been submitting to them - now re-promoting all my new stuff!

32. Watch the entire West Wing series

Season 1 = complete!
Season 2 = still in the middle

33. Watch 10 classic (oscar winning movies) I've never seen (preferably before 1980)

M.A.S.H.

34. Do the 3 day walk for breast cancer
35. Submit my play to 3 theatres

XIII Pocket

36. Finish writing the Jezebel play
37. Get Sparky's teeth cleaned (with Vet approval)
38. Go to (at least) one Cubs game a year
39. Finish playing Kingdom Hearts
40. Knit 5 scarves for others

Jon's was done in January 2009 :)

41. Be more diligent about recycling

we bought a cart and are filling it and bringing it down to recycling once/twice a week on average
we are keeping containers (jars and such) and reusing them as much as possible
we are continuing to check labels and reuse any paper products we can

42. Try to use organic/green non-chemical products
43. Go to 4 movies - IN THE MOVIE THEATRE -

Milk
Wolverine
The Hangover
Star Trek

44. Treat myself to 3 massages at Urban Oasis
~~45. Watch more Olbermann and Maddow~~

MSNBC is now the default channel on our TV

46. Trade in Dad's guitar to get one that fits me
47. Keep up on my blog www.ali-land.blogspot.com at least once a week- even if it's just an update
48. Scan and organize MOM's pictures
49. Read more of and try to incorporate Alexander Technique into my life

Working through reading a book called Anxious to Please which has opened my eyes to many things - specifically - it uses the process of The Alexander Technique in many of the practices. Cool.

50. Finish putting together the crossword jigsaw puzzle
51. Don't let the file basket get to the top without filing it.

This is a constant struggle but I finally attacked it today!

52. Take a combat class
53. Take a ballet class - even though it scares me-
54. Run a 10K (6.2 miles)
55. Do 3 Stuart's sun salutes a day for a week
56. Play my keyboard, once a month, for fun

December - :) Played for 3 hours!!!
January - played for an hour
February - mmm, didn't play really busy at school
March - played for about 2 hours

57. Perform 10 random acts of kindness

Bought mom an orange rose and surprised her when she was sick
Got Lisa some Ginger Ale and lip balm when she was sick

58. Get an ivy (English?) plant

Danni is giving me a plant!

59. Read 3 previously unread books on acting
60. Ride my bike as often as possible (seasonal)
61. Drink 64 oz of water every day for 2 weeks
62. Finish all seasons of the Venture Brothers (for Jon)

Season 1 = Complete!
Special Christmas episode = Complete!

63. Watch 5 movies Jon wants (only 1 will be MST3K)

Excalibur
Let The Right One In
Iron Man
Sin City

64. Try my watercolor pencils and make something pretty
65. Hang out with Dante 2x a week for at least an hour
66. Go to the Shedd Aquarium
67. Go to the Brookfield Zoo
68. Go to Lincoln Park Zoo
69. Go to the Art Institute
70. Read 8 plays I've never read before

Who Made Robert DeNiro King of America? - Jason Katim
A Dead Man's Apartment - Edward Allen Baker

71. Visit Charleston (finally)
72. Help Jon get on the path to Bio-medical visualization
73. Have a "date night" once a month

Went to Sushi for November's date! Mmmm!
Went to Sushi for December's date!
Went to Uncle Julio's for January
February - we were broke :)
March - we were broke :)
April - Delilah's and Sushi and a proposal!!!

74. Say something kind to someone once a day for a month -even if it's "I LOVE YOU"
75. Do my taxes by March (instead of waiting until the last minute) for ~~2009~~ and 2010
76. Get my credit score
77. Find out how much I'd be approved for, for a mortgage
78. Make a realistic budget
~~79. Get a new computer (mmm...MAC)~~
80. Do my 2 affirmations out loud for 2 months
~~81. Graduate from ACT ONE!~~
82. Get out of my contract for ******
83. Transfer my VHS tapes to DVD
84. Get my compass tattoo
~~85. Vinegar the carpet!~~
86. Go on 5 auditions I have no chance of getting or don't even want - blog about the experiences -
87. Keep an audition journal
88. Get back to my "limber self" and do full splits on both legs!
89. Play my Dance! Dance! Revolution once a week for 3 months
90. Floss every day for 3 months
91. Spend at least one night (with Jon) at a B&B
92. Make the "butterfly" tray
93. Listen to 3 recommended rap albums
94. Learn basic sign language
95. Write a letter (not to be sent) to those whom I feel still "hold me back" emotionally
96. Experiment with "freezing a goal" and wait 3 months to see the progress
97. Be adamant about making 3 hours of "down-time" for myself a week and STICKING TO IT
~~98. Re-establish my donations to Sierra Club for the Polar Bears.~~
99. Keep practicing "drawing on the right-side of the brain"
~~100. Get new glasses~~
101. Accomplish at least 50 on this list by August 10, 2011 :)

I miss you Aunt G. July 1945 - May 2009

2009-05-27T08:50:00.007-06:00

Aunt Gladys.

A wonderful woman with a beautiful heart. Never a bad word to say about anyone, but never a judgment if you needed to vent about anyone or anything. She kept all your secrets and would try to understand if you just needed a hug and just someone to "get it".

A fantastic mother to Alli and Gen. An amazing Grandma to Andy, Alexa, Ava, and Samantha. An incredible wife to her soulmate, Allen. Every niece and nephew believes they were the "favorite".

I know I did.

There are no words to describe the emotional void she is leaving behind. But she reminds me that she understood how to LIVE. She traveled, she was there for every birth of her grandchildren.

She loved life.

We should all be so lucky.

Thank you, Aunt G.

We lost you too young, but we will forever have you deep in our hearts.

Love and Peace.

Ali

Uncle Allen, Alexa, Andy, Ava, and Gladys

Engaged! (Ok, I've been busy)

2009-05-07T14:02:00.004-06:00

Yes. It is official! We are engaged. Wolter proposed on April 1st (yes, on April Fool's Day you cynics!). He took me back to the place we first met, Delilah's bar. He claimed he was taking me out as a late birthday present (my birthday had been during a very busy and broke time for us) and for our anniversary which was on April 1st.

If you don't know it already, Wolter's an amazing cartoonist/artist. Since he was a kid, he's created these characters, (anthropomorphized animals) and has given me multiple presents using these rascals. It wasn't strange that the "card" he had for me included these guys. I've grown to adore them and get very excited when they appear in a card or in a drawing just for me.

Low and behold, it wasn't just an anniversary card. Nor was it a late birthday card. He created a story where they set-up one of the guys to think he was supposed to dress up for my belated birthday and they yelled April Fool's. Then at the end of the card one of them said, it's actually NOT just an April Fool's card but, well, "Wolter, you tell her"...

When I looked up he was on his knee with the box opened and asked me!!!

I KNOW! So perfect!

Then we left and went for dinner at our sushi restaurant. It was incredible and yummy and just all around a perfect night.

Wolter excused himself to use the restroom and while he was gone, in walked my parents!!! They'd planned to show up after dinner and it was perfect! Just seeing them made it all finally hit me!

I found out later that Wolter and my mom had been working on this since January! He had kept it quiet for that long (and so did my MOM!)

I was so pleased and so proud! It went off perfectly. I'm full of joy! And now that school is over I can FINALLY start planning!

Love to you all, even though I'm sure you already know all this, I figured there was no harm in putting it on ye olde blog!

Love and Peace,

Ali

Kramer vs. Kramer a phenomenal FILM

2009-04-16T18:55:00.002-06:00

When I was 5 years old, my parents had a VHS tape with 3 movies on it. Airplane!, The Champ (with Ricky Schroeder and John Voight), and Kramer vs. Kramer. I watched those movies in order, almost every single day. For years. Back then, we were limited with what was on TV, (we didn't have cable), and we didn't have any "kids" movies.

I fell in love with these movies. Each one is very close to my heart.

Wolter and I joke, often, that we have so many movies the other one needs to see, well, Kramer vs. Kramer has been on that list since I met him! Finally, we watched it together.

Even at a young age I could tell that this film was, exactly THAT. A film. Not a "movie". Not a "money-maker" with lots of "back-door deals" and "merchandise" but a true FILM. Seeing it again, after all these years didn't change my youthful ideals one bit.

What was lovely, was getting to watch the "Making of Kramer vs. Kramer" which was a special feature on this DVD. I learned so much about the inception of the script (from the book) and how passionate the filmmakers were. The idea that telling the story, keeping the truth of the characters and the art of collaboration were part of a film with SOME budget was jaw-dropping and beautiful. There is really nothing about this film that I could criticize from the casting down to the amazing shots. It's not a wonder that they won so many Oscars.

Bravo, Kramer vs. Kramer. I'm inspired and appreciative of this artistic endeavor and wish there were more films like yours.

See this film if you haven't had the chance.

Peace and love.

~Ali

It was Easter. Even for Atheistic Jews!

2009-04-15T17:08:00.005-06:00

Easter. A time of hope and re-birth and resurrection. A time of 4 young boys who run around hopped up on sugar screaming loudly and laughing wildly.

Yup, I spent Easter Sunday with my family in the suburbs.

It was actually a lot of fun. Wolter and I went over to check on the progress of the possible house we might be moving into. It's getting there...although there is a LOT of work still left to be done. We're hoping that, if we are going to make this move, it happens by the end of the summer. Now that's seeming a bit optimistic, but we'll see.

My Mom walked over there with us and the 4 boys, while my brother and sister-in-law hid the eggs in the yard! They used the plastic eggs and filled them with candy and gum and tic-tacs and pennies.

The boys had a blast running around and trying to find all the eggs! My Dad and I sat on the bench and just enjoyed the view and took in the little bit of sun (in the chilly wind) that was peeking through.

Carrie, my sister-in-law, made a wonderful meal topped off with a fantastic bread pudding! Yum! It was my first time ever eating bread pudding and I was blown away by her recipe.

It was actually nice being in the suburbs. People were walking their dogs and mowing their lawns...I don't know...I think I could get used to that. Plus, there would be ROOM to MOVE there. Love our little apartment but sometimes I just wish there was one room's worth more of space!

Anyhow, we truly enjoyed our Easter Sunday! Hope you did too!

Oh! I know I posted an "updated" list of things that I've gotten to this month, but in case it was all hidden away...

Wolter proposed to me on April 1st, 2009! We are now officially engaged! YAY!

I guess I should do a post on the whole engagement...ok. Coming up soon.

Peace and love,

Ali

The crazy boys! From left to right: Sean, Justin, Brandon, and Zack

Aw, my Dad rocks! He is unbelievable! I love you, Dad!

Update of 1001 things in 101 days as of 04/04/2009

2009-04-04T14:32:00.004-06:00

So, here is another update! :) Things are progressing, albeit, slowly. It is, however, not a race so it feels ok. :)

Life is happy right now. Classes just ended at school and we are starting rehearsals for our showcase. Yay!

Note #6 below! It's was an incredibly exciting night! I'm giddy with happiness!!! :)

Anyhow, here's how it's been going according to the list. Hope everyone is well! Love to you all, per usual!!!

My Left Breast/Back Story
A Christmas Carol
Little Foxes

9. Go to 5 shows where I don't have a friend in it.

Avenue Q
Bronx Tale

Finished the lighthouse for Dad

18. Learn how to use a sewing machine

~~19. Go Vote~~

20. Refile/organize monologue box
21~~. Get my MRI mammogram~~

22. Take a tap class
23. Take a jazz class
24. Take a modern class
25. Take a circus class
26. Finish the Ender series

Ender's Game
Speaker For the Dead
Xenocide
Children of the Mind
Ender's Shadow

27. Take a "day job" that gives 2 days off in a row
28. Visit K. in New York
29. Visit Raina in Tennessee
30. Do film, as much as possible

Been submitting for student films and indie features

31. Get an agent - one who cares about me
32. Watch the entire West Wing series

Season 1 = complete!
Season 2 = still in the middle

33. Watch 10 classic (oscar winning movies) I've never seen (preferably before 1980)

M.A.S.H.

34. Do the 3 day walk for breast cancer
35. Submit my play to 3 theatres

XIII Pocket

36. Finish writing the Jezebel play
37. Get Sparky's teeth cleaned (with Vet approval)
38. Go to (at least) one Cubs game a year
39. Finish playing Kingdom Hearts
40. Knit 5 scarves for others

Jon's was done in January 2009 :)

41. Be more diligent about recycling

we bought a cart and are filling it and bringing it down to recycling once/twice a week on average
we are keeping containers (jars and such) and reusing them as much as possible
we are continuing to check labels and reuse any paper products we can

42. Try to use organic/green non-chemical products
43. Go to 4 movies - IN THE MOVIE THEATRE -

Milk

44. Treat myself to 3 massages at Urban Oasis
45. Watch more Olbermann and Maddow

MSNBC is now the default channel on our TV

Working through reading a book called Anxious to Please which has opened my eyes to many things - specifically - it uses the process of The Alexander Technique in many of the practices. Cool.

50. Finish putting together the crossword jigsaw puzzle
51. Don't let the file basket get to the top without filing it.

This is a constant struggle but I finally attacked it today!

52. Take a combat class
53. Take a ballet class - even though it scares me-
54. Run a 10K (6.2 miles)
55. Do 3 Stuart's sun salutes a day for a week
56. Play my keyboard, once a month, for fun

December - :) Played for 3 hours!!!
January - played for an hour
February - mmm, didn't play really busy at school
March - played for about 2 hours

57. Perform 10 random acts of kindness

Bought mom an orange rose and surprised her when she was sick
Got Lisa some Ginger Ale and lip balm when she was sick

58. Get an ivy (English?) plant
59. Read 3 previously unread books on acting
60. Ride my bike as often as possible (seasonal)
61. Drink 64 oz of water every day for 2 weeks
62. Finish all seasons of the Venture Brothers (for Jon)

Season 1 = Complete!
Special Christmas episode = Complete!

63. Watch 5 movies Jon wants (only 1 will be MST3K)

Excalibur
Let The Right One In
Iron Man

Who Made Robert DeNiro King of America? - Jason Katim
A Dead Man's Apartment - Edward Allen Baker

71. Visit Charleston (finally)
72. Help Jon get on the path to Bio-medical visualization
73. Have a "date night" once a month

Went to Sushi for November's date! Mmmm!
Went to Sushi for December's date!
Went to Uncle Julio's for January
February - we were broke :)
March - we were broke :)
April - Delilah's and Sushi and a proposal!!!

74. Say something kind to someone once a day for a month -even if it's "I LOVE YOU"
75. Do my taxes by March (instead of waiting until the last minute) for ~~2009~~ and 2010
76. Get my credit score
77. Find out how much I'd be approved for, for a mortgage
78. Make a realistic budget
~~79. Get a new computer (mmm...MAC)~~
80. Do my 2 affirmations out loud for 2 months
81. Graduate from ACT ONE!
82. Get out of my contract for ******
83. Transfer my VHS tapes to DVD
84. Get my compass tattoo
~~85. Vinegar the carpet!~~
86. Go on 5 auditions I have no chance of getting or don't even want - blog about the experiences -
87. Keep an audition journal
88. Get back to my "limber self" and do full splits on both legs!
89. Play my Dance! Dance! Revolution once a week for 3 months
90. Floss every day for 3 months
91. Spend at least one night (with Jon) at a B&B
92. Make the "butterfly" tray
93. Listen to 3 recommended rap albums
94. Learn basic sign language
95. Write a letter (not to be sent) to those whom I feel still "hold me back" emotionally
96. Experiment with "freezing a goal" and wait 3 months to see the progress
97. Be adamant about making 3 hours of "down-time" for myself a week and STICKING TO IT
~~98. Re-establish my donations to Sierra Club for the Polar Bears.~~
99. Keep practicing "drawing on the right-side of the brain"
~~100. Get new glasses~~
101. Accomplish at least 50 on this list by August 10, 2011 :)

The Brass Monkey

2009-02-26T22:54:00.003-06:00

So, I'm taking this incredible film class at school. We are inundated with amazing information and have already shot 8 short scripts (approximately 5 minutes each). Our amazing teacher/director, Julian Grant, is imparting his wisdom and experience and we're learning, hands-on information about eye-lines and key lights and etc. etc. etc. Fully informative and wonderful!

Our final project is a 5 minute script that we write or adapt from other works.

I decided to write my own piece.

I've done a fair bit of writing in the past (a one-act play that was produced/directed at Roosevelt University in 2002 - pretty darn proud of that one) and a few 10 minute plays. However, I've never written a screenplay. Even a short one seemed daunting.

Julian suggested we take something from our diary or journal as a place to start if we planned on writing our own piece. I thought about that and realized that it would be difficult for me to take liberties for a "better story" if I used a situation that had already happened. In other words, I already know how that movie turns out and I'd be trying to duplicate the performance. So...I thought, instead, I'd write about a situation I had fantasized about. A conversation/meeting that never actually took place but that I had played over and over in my mind how it MIGHT go.

Words began pouring out of me. I actually couldn't find enough blank paper to "neatly" write it all out. When I finally finished it, I typed it into Celtx (a brilliant free program for those of you who would like such things... www.celtx.com) and tweaked and edited it a bit.

I'm pretty fucking happy with how it turned out.

Julian needs to approve it, of course, and will most likely make some line cuts since I normally write for theatre (more verbal) rather than film (more visual). It doesn't always occur to me that we can "act those lines" and don't need to SAY them.

I have some lovely blog readers here who will probably recognize the basis of this scenario when I describe it. I assure you, names were changed to protect the innocent (and jackasses), and the unseen-only-spoken-of man's "probable" response is definitely changed for dramatic effect.

The Brass Monkey - synopsis

SARAH is waiting at a neighborhood bar for MARIE. They used to be good friends but have not spoken for 4 months. SARAH is now dating MARIE's ex-boyfriend of 6 years. SARAH has desperately wanted to mend the wounds between them, but, until now, MARIE has consistently avoided her phone calls and emails. Today, MARIE has agreed to meet with SARAH for a "talk". Little does SARAH know, MARIE has a secret and a plan up her sleeve.

Sound familiar to some of you?

If it gets approved, I'll try and put a copy up here. It was actually pretty wonderful to "get those demons" out. Woody Allen proved in Annie Hall that as the writer of your own work you are the master of your own destiny. HE decides how the relationship goes when he writes the ending. I believe we can re-write our history to some extent with our imaginations.

Here's to a healthier relationship with my past!

Peace and love to you all!

~Ali

Balloon of happiness and Blackbird

2009-02-17T18:19:00.003-06:00

So this morning, as I do most weekday mornings, I was walking to school. I have about a 10 minute walk from my bus stop to the front door of school if I make all the lights. It's usually a pleasant walk and fairly familiar since I've been doing it for over a year and a half.

This morning was different. The sun was out but I wasn't getting any of the benefits of it due to the large buildings, awnings, and shadows. No big deal, normally, but we've been having quite a winter and a bit of sun can often brighten a winter day.

Oh well.

I continued my brisk walk with my ipod on shuffle (per usual). Suddenly, like a lovely moment out of a movie, I stepped on a patch of sidewalk and was showered with the glorious sun! At the same time, Sarah McLachlan's version of Blackbird (it was on the I Am Sam soundtrack) flooded my ears. And I smiled. A huge, happy, love for the earth and people and life smile.

Now, this may not seem like much. And, honestly, in the grand scheme of things, it isn't. But I've not listened to that song much since 2006. It was going to be the song that I walked down the aisle to at my wedding that got cancelled 2 months (yes 2 months) before the wedding date.

Considering my emotional history with that song it's been tough one to swallow and put on the ipod. I'd actually forgotten it was part of a playlist I used backstage for a show. I didn't hit the stage until 1/2 way through the play and in order to drown out what was actually happening on stage I listened to my ipod with very specific emotionally resonant songs.

I was blown away by the beauty of the sun, the immediate comfort of the song, and the glorious way I felt. I sat down on the cold, concrete benches outside my school and listened. I breathed and listened to Blackbird and realized how far I'd come. It was truly a splendid moment.

When I got into school, the feeling was replaced by strong focus and intense concentration on the tasks at hand, etc. etc.

I was feeling drained and tired by the end of the day. As I trudged my way to the bus, (a slightly different route for the way home due to the bus stop), I walked by St. Andrew's Chapel. This building always catches my eye. I think about the people who go inside to pray or confess (as I assume it's a Catholic church). I notice the other entrance for "counseling services" and wonder about the couples that go in there to fix their marriages or the people who just want someone to talk to.

As I continued my daydream something inside the fence surrounding the church caught my eye. It was a balloon. And it was just sitting there, in the shrubbery, on the other side of these bars. Someone had written on it, "Have a Nice Day". I was sort of stymied. I walked past it and then turned back around! I needed a picture. I didn't want to disturb the balloon so my photo doesn't have all the words perfectly displayed but you get the idea. It was just sitting there. For all the people to see that chose to see it.

Like I said, it may not mean anything. But for me, today, it meant something. I hope, by posting this picture it will maybe make you smile too, and have yourself a Nice Day. :)

Peace and love to all of you.

Ali

Because I am happy!

2009-02-13T22:31:00.005-06:00

Ok all you wonderfully cynical bastards out there. :) I just wanted to say that I am HAPPY. While I'm aware that Valentine's Day is, technically, a Hallmark holiday...I don't care. I'm giddy and happy and excited to say that I have a wonderful man who loves me and puts up with my crap and I get to spend the day with him.

However, I would like to point out that if I didn't have him (or someone even remotely equal in quality) I might be somewhat cranky and cynical. Yet, I surely hope I would not just be with SOMEONE to just have someone. If that makes sense.

More than anything, I am HAPPY. Not relieved to have a Valentine. Not thankful I don't have to endure the evening alone. I am a happy person. It is not solely due to being with this wonderful guy, but he enhances that happiness in me.

So, there it is. I'm giddy and excited and pleased to say I feel good about ME. So, for the first time I am happy to say I'm happy with ME. And I'm thrilled I get to experience that with someone who is pretty freakin' awesome. :)

Sorry if I made some of you throw up a little in your mouth.

But I'm happy.

So there! :)

(Love you all! And have an incredibly wonderful Valentine's Day! Open your heart and make sure you love yourself. All forms of "love" acceptable.)

Full-on ANGRY, nearly 3 months later

2009-01-26T22:11:00.005-06:00

Yup. It's true. I'm fucking pissed. And I'm tired of feeling guilty for my feelings. I'm tired of feeling sorry for pathetic fat sacks of shit who believe the world is there to feed, clothe, and take care of them while they eat and drunkenly stumble their way through life.

I'm SICK of it.

Now, honestly, most of my anger is centered around one obnoxious and sad, pitiful human. I was angry 3 months ago, tried to find my peace with it, but, truly, I'M STILL FUCKING PISSED OFF.

We talk about what "being the mature one" really means. The fact that I didn't pummel her ass is its own grace of goodness. She deserved it that night. Her actions, her thoughtless and disrespectful actions (and the actions of her pathetic "friend") made me wonder WHY I worried about how much she was hurting. WHY I spent a millisecond on asking about her well-being. WHY I still felt guilty over something that WASN'T MY FAULT, but she chose to blame me rather than realize her OWN lazy actions and bitterness and lying nature and complacency were probably MORE why she ended up alone.

But worry and wonder I did.

But ask about and suffer guilt I did.

And it was all for nothing. No, seriously. NOTHING. All I ever hoped for, (after I stopped deluding myself that people really WANT happiness and peace with one another - got two slaps in the reality face on that one in the same year - ) was that she would, AT LEAST, begin living well. Turn her life around. Go audition. Take classes. Get a job that she loves. ANYTHING to end like those fucking Hollywood movies. ANYTHING to show us that "she didn't need him" or us. She gets to be the turn-around story.

Nope.

She became sad. And sullen. And angry. And vindictive. And BITTER. And still holding on to some idea. To quote Clifford Odets, she is "stalled like a fliver in the snow".

Violence is just not cool. I believe that. But I've imagined how I would beat the daylights out of this bitch if I ever see her again. It's not in my nature to actually do it, but my fantasies are quite vivid. I imagine running after her out those doors after she dared slap him and tackling her. I've imagined yanking her off her feet, putting her on the ground with my knee at her throat, and slapping her the same way she slapped him. I imagine taking her down and making her admit that I'm some pathetic scapegoat she is desperate to blame because her own life is such a hot mess. I have a big imagination. Here's the difference between us: I'm not gonna actually do it, you pathetic waste of skin.

I was willing to be her silent champion. The light of hope in this sad silence that she would figure it out and get her shit together.

Nope.

I don't hold much hope for her to make much of her life as it looks on this path. Maybe one of her friends will remind her that the best way to grow up is NOT throw drinks and slap people you "don't like". What, are you in 2nd grade?

As I very much realize I need to take my OWN advice and "let it go", this is my blog. So, while I don't actually plan to DO anything to her lazy ass, I do plan to allow myself to be angry.

I leave you with this quote from my friend Kerry: "Just remember, some people are like a slinky. Their only purpose is to be pushed down stairs..."

Thank you Kerry. And thanks, as always my friends, for letting me vent.

Love and peace to you all,

~Ali

Discipline breeds pettiness

2009-01-12T21:14:00.007-06:00

Hello, dear reader(s), I have been exercising. On a schedule. With a plan to "become healthy", or healthier, in the long run. And, of course, to change the shape my body has decided to take. Personally I was hoping for the shape of a trapezoid, but I'm told that would take painful measures and tons of staples. So, I've opted for society's "healthy in-shape girl!". Ah well.

For an obsessive compulsive with anxiety issues, like myself, I find it difficult to allow myself to actually carve out time in my ridiculously busy schedule to focus on ME and do something for ME. It all seems like a sacrifice and a waste of good sleep or other I-could-be-doing-something-more-productive time. But, the truth is, most of the hour I, now, use to workout, used to be spent stressing over how much crap I have to do. It was not productive at all. It was just a crappy waste of time.

So, dear reader, I've decided to make myself #1.

This, of course, means I get to complain, bemoan, and bitch heartily about what a complete cunt this person is. This horrible fascist¹ who is making my body do all these incredibly frustrating, muscle-fatiguing things...ME.

This entry is an example of my pettiness.

Normally I work out at 6am. It's early enough that I can workout for an hour and still shower, eat breakfast, and get on the bus for school. However we had a day off so I slept in. I was planning to get some paperwork done and some things off my to-do list. However, I couldn't concentrate because I knew I needed to workout. So, with the knowledge, I changed into my workout clothes, checked the time and thought about which workout I wanted to do.

START IT UP
This is the easier (albeit I still sweat like hell) 24 minute workout. No resistance band work or real mat work (except push-ups and mini-abs) thus it is called: Start it up

RAMP IT UP
This is the intermediate workout (resistance bands and mat work included with abs and extra push-ups and yoga at the end). This one is 47 minutes. It kicks me in the nuts. It's called: Ramp it Up

I'm cranky and don't really WANT to do the harder workout. But I know it's better for me. But I really don't want to. But I know in the end I'll be happier. But I really don't want to.

So I decide to flip a coin.

Heads = Start it up,

Tails = Ramp it up.

Heads = Pussy workout

Tails = Less Pussy workout

I grab a trusty nickel.

(What? Nickels are trusty!)

I flip the coin.

And it drops on the floor.

Tails. Ramp it up.

Well, I think maybe it's only fair if I actually catch the coin after the toss so...

I flip it again.

And I catch it.

And it's TAILS again.

Hmmmm....well, maybe two out of three (or three out of five if you count the one on the floor)

So I flip it AGAIN.

And it's TAILS AGAIN!

I sigh. And put in the damned DVD of Ramp it Up.

And now it's over.

And I DO feel better.

And I'm glad I did the harder workout. But, seriously....

Fuck You Coin.

(For those of you who like the visual type of blog, see below)

I toss the first coin. It lands on the floor. AND it's Tails

I flip the coin again. I catch it. It's TAILS, again.

I flip the coin the 3rd time. It's Tails. AGAIN.

Fuck you, coin.

------------------------------------------------------------------

1. As I've told Wolter, in the past, swastikas are funny.

Oh 2009!

2009-01-02T15:56:00.017-06:00

Hi everybody!

So, it's back to the grind soon. School starts up on Monday, I've got my work cut out for me on the mock trial I'm participating in (good $$, though). I'm writing to you from my favorite new gift, my iMac computer! Still got some payments due on it, but it's not too awful.

Couple of updates: I finished the Hanukkah gift for my mom - in time for the last night of Hanukkah. Go me.

Here's a picture:

Yes, it is. It is a replica of one of the famous broadway posters of Fiddler on the Roof. Here's how I made it.

I got a frame.

I found the poster picture online. It looks like this:

Then I had to flip it so it was backwards, like this:

I attached the backwards picture to the front of the glass frame. Then I took tiny translucent glass beads and glued them (mosaic style) to the inside glass. So, yeah. The entire thing took a ginormous amount of time to complete. Also, I ran out of beads at some point and had to abandon the project until I could GET more beads. But, alas, it is now out of my hands and in my lovely mother's hands! Yay!

I also completed a project for my father that had been waiting in the wings for awhile. I have many cross-stitch projects that are half-finished and this one has been living in a state of 93% completion since 1999!

Here it is all framed and pretty:

Other fun things include:

I got new glasses! (Haven't had a new pair since the early 90's)

Spent the eve of the New Year with Wolter watching Iron Man and Boogie Nights!

And I finally got my boobs checked!

Had an MRI mammogram

and a clean bill of health!

Following all this fun, the January of HELL will commence immediately. Otherwise, I can't complain! Life is sweet and I hope it is for you as well. :)

Peace and Love,

Ali

Happy Journal

2008-12-22T11:40:00.004-06:00

One of my favorite people in the world mentioned she keeps (or kept) a "happy journal". As cheesy and "new age-y" as that sounds, I was intrigued and asked her to explain. She told me that her tendency (and as I'm learning, most people in theatre or the arts in general), was to think judgmental, sad, or negative thoughts about herself. These would translate in to judgmental, sad, or negative thoughts about others. This perpetuated a circle of negativity. She decided to try to change it in hopes that she would feel better about herself and thus, others.

So she experimented with keeping a "happy journal".

Every night before she went to bed, she wrote 3 to 5 things that made her happy during the day. She had to be honest with herself. No saying she was happy about something she was "supposed" to be happy about. No telling herself that she "should feel" anything. Only things that truly made her feel good/happy were allowed to be written in the book.

At first, she found very surface things. "The apple I ate was really juicy and sweet. It made me happy". Or, "I'm happy I had the energy to get out of bed and make coffee this morning. Coffee made me happy."

As time went on, she realized there were more things she was truly happy about. And, actually, she would seek them out so she'd have something good to write down.

I kinda love this idea. Finding reasons to look for the happy in the day rather than sit back and wait for it to happen. We tend to look for the unhappy, the negative, in the day. We "gear up" for a bad day. We "tense ourselves" because we believe it will, cynically, prove to be more likely a crappy thing rather than something fun or pleasant. We're "surprised" when work is productive and fun.

Sure, maybe we want nothing more than to be out of this financial crisis, doing a job we feel feeds our souls, out of school, etc. But if we, as a community, continue to live for the "big picture" and not start living moment to moment, we really will watch our lives flitter away.

I am a grave offender of living ahead. I am full of fear that if I actually live in the moment, it will disappoint me. Therefore, I'm never truly happy. Nor am I truly sad. In actuality, I'm not actually living my life. So, my emotional life "comes out sideways". I got the negativity down pat. I don't know where I learned that if I put myself down first, it hurts less when others do it to me. Nope, it doesn't. It hurts a lot worse. It confirms what I think of myself. That's not helpful. It just makes me "right". Well, whoopie fuckin' do! I'm right that I'm worthless. Yeah, not much to do with that. So, why don't I figure out a way to like myself. To live in a happy world that will, ultimately, hurt from time to time. But probably will even out in the end. I would like to live my life with some happiness.

Recently, a girl I've met only twice, but is very close with a girl who considers me her enemy told my wonderful boyfriend that "Ali is not a nice person".

I should have laughed it off. This girl has met me twice. She doesn't know me. She's had 1 conversation with me. Her information is, faulty, at best and probably is just trying to back up her friend (which I completely get). It's funny, actually, when you think about it.

But it bothered me.

Why? Why did some girl's opinion (a girl who obviously has an agenda and something against me because of her friend) bug me? Why didn't all the loving and wonderful friends who tell me how nice I am and how much fun I am to be around and who love and adore me daily, well, why didn't their opinions outrank this one girl?

Maybe because it's easier to believe the bad stuff.

Maybe because I want everyone to like me. Even people who believe they have a damned good reason NOT to like me. I still want them to like me too.

But, life says we WILL piss off people. Sometimes we will piss off people who we desperately DON'T want to piss off. Sometimes we will piss off people we couldn't care less about, (rude, obnoxious patrons, for example). But, I'm starting to realize that no matter what, we will hurt someone. Intentional or not.

For those of you I've hurt, I'm sorry. Truly, deeply, within the depths of my soul, sorry. However, if you know me, or ever knew me, you'd know one thing about me. I never ever intend to hurt anyone. If I do, it's not pre-meditated. If you still believe I did intend to hurt you, you never knew me, you were never truly my friend, and any anger you harbor is your responsibility.

My intentions are to look for the happy. Without it, I'm not actually living my life fully. Since I'm an aethiest, I don't look at life as a dress rehearsal. This is all we've got so I might as well love it and live it fully.

I began my happy journal. It's been fun thinking of my day and the funny or happy moments throughout it. I encourage you to do some of the same. It's a really beautiful way to end the day.

Peace and love.

Truckin' along...

2008-12-06T13:30:00.003-06:00

I'm busy. What else is new? Well, at least the busy is a bit more focused with the 101 things.

So: Here is an update. (Anything new is updated and/or bullet-pointed in RED)

Hope you are well and enjoying this lovely holiday season!

Thank you to everyone who has been so encouraging about my progress with this daunting list. :)

Peace and Love,
Ali

Wordle Fun!

2008-12-03T13:38:00.002-06:00

Ok, thanks to my awesome friend, Mr. B, I had to go check out this "wordle thing". I just pasted in the url for my blog and voila! Out comes this great concoction of the crap I talk about. It's kinda fun! You should try it here! Wheeee!

Love and hugs!
~Ali

Oh, people, that's lame...

2008-11-22T07:44:00.004-06:00

Have you ever heard of revenge by Myspace delete? Well, my friends, I am a victim of it. Yes, dear readers, the previous "jackass" has decided that I am not worthy of his myspace friendship anymore.

I think I'll cry about it. Over milk. That I spilled. WHEN I WAS 6!

Come ON people! This is a 29 year old man with nothing better to do but delete people from his myspace in order to "let them know" they are "not desirable" in his life anymore? Really? Has it come to this?

Now, far be it for me to give credit to another ass-bag, (Jody), from the past, who decided to delete me (although the dog's myspace still has me as a top friend...hmmm). AT LEAST Jody sent an email to accompany his "MYSPACE ATTACK".

Look. I understand. I wrote about him in this blog (Ok, ok. And a previous one. Where he comes off like a jackass...HERE) . I'm not surprised he'd be angry. Actually I'm more surprised he saw it or read it or learned that it exists! Maybe I have more readers than I actually think! Woo hoo! If so, that's pretty awesome. Otherwise, I really don't know HOW he might have learned about it.

OR...it could be that I, having been part of the social network of the lovely lady (one of my best friends) whom he OBVIOUSLY wronged, he decided to use his deleting power for BAD! OH GOD! Two-face is on the warpath! Once a good man turned evil! Holy shit! Run people. Run for your lives!

Come ON!

Best part of this whole thing? Wolter got deleted too! AHAHAHAH! The poor guy had NOTHING to do with the blog. He had NOTHING to do with the jackass coming to the bar that night. As a matter of fact, they actually have a TON of common friends, considering they went to the same college and both studied THEATRE! For crying out loud! Puhlease!

Now, I've thought about this and, truly, Wolter's committed his own crime. He's had sex (and continues to live) with me. This is his crime. Guilty by association. Oh McCarthy. Yes, go ahead, have your little dance. It's come to this: "MYSPACE ATTACK!"

So I say this: Mr. Jackhole-jackass-who-doesn't-know-how-to-treat-people...Good Luck. Good luck in life. I can see it's been working out great for you, so far. Keep deleting. Apparently it's the only power you've got.

Cheers!

Amusement, my friends and dear reader(s) doesn't even BEGIN to describe it!
AHAHAHAHAHAH

Things that go flying off my wall...

2008-11-19T19:39:00.004-06:00

So when I got engaged, I was given this beautiful ceramic picture that had part of Shakespere's Sonnet 116 carved into it.

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

It is one of the few engagement gifts I didn't actually give back (my aunt told me to keep it) so I hung it up. The other day, out of nowhere, after 3 fucking years, it decides to magically fly off the wall and shatter into a million pieces. So. I think that's the Universe telling me I should "let go" of the past a bit.

I'm working on that.

Today was also a tough day because I was told that my "emotions" seem somewhat "forced" or coming from a place where I thought I was "supposed" to be emotional. What was tough was that even though I'm sure I am still blocked from my past (hell, show me someone who isn't) it was really awful to be told that I was working from a non-truthful place IN MY OWN BODY.

Well, fuck that! I mean, I don't even get to trust my BODY anymore? Really? I can't trust that my emotions are where I think they are because I'm blocked even deeper than my emotions are allowed to go?

So does that mean when I cry, I'm not REALLY crying? Or if I feel angry, I'm not REALLY feeling anger? I'm forcing what I think I'm supposed to feel? How it's supposed to look?

Kinda makes me wonder who the fuck I am right now. 'Cause, obviously, I'm not actually me. If I am, I don't know who that is. And right now I'm questioning if I've ever shared, even with MYSELF, any real emotions EVER.

Yup. It's been a grand day, my friends

And the jackass of the week is...

2008-11-16T12:40:00.004-06:00

I'm usually a fairly patient person. Even if I exhibit those moments of irritation or frustration, other than intolerance, racism, etc, I'm pretty non-judgmental.

Except when people fuck with my friends or family.

So there's this guy...let's call him Dick, short for Dickhead.

He dates my friend, pretty seriously, for a few years. They break up. He moves to the city a year or so later. They both date other people. While it didn't end well, it wasn't out of the ordinary for them to run into each other now and then. Many of their friends were friends, etc, etc.

Time goes by. Facebook and Myspace take over the world. They re-connect after a couple of years from one of those "you may know this person" face-space-my-book things.

Both are single.

He makes a spontaneous gesture to meet up with her but she has plans with me. My band is playing and she is, supportively, watching the show. He shows up anyway. He and I have history. His business partner (and close friend) is my ex-fiance. Their people don't talk to my people. But he shows up anyway, gives me a great big hug and says he never cared about the issues and is happy to see me.

I'm glad we have no bad blood.

He hugs my friend and they fall back into their old routine when things were fun and life was sweet and they were both happy.

He gets a call from the business partner that they are having a meeting. He leaves but promises to return after said meeting. He DOES! My friend and I are saying he seems to have changed. The immature jerk that he was when they parted ways seems to have grown up! Happy days!

They go out after my band plays and have a few drinks and make a few plans to see each other again when he comes back from a trip.

Plans are set for an evening (with the right amount of time for one to believe it IS actually a DATE).

The night before, she texts him to make sure plans are still in full-swing and his reply is:
"I don't know, you gonna put-out?"

Now...that could be a joke. I'm willing to laugh at that one. He's gotta a harsh sense of humor and she's like "one of the guys" so it's not too weird...just a bit off...

Before she can respond he texts: "Actually, the guys want me to go out drinking after their show so I may do that instead."

So: Dick has now broken a date with her to go out drinking with the guys. Hmmm....

But then he texts: "We'll be at [bar in the neighborhood] you're more than welcome to join us"

She thinks, "ok, maybe this is a good thing. He's asking me to come out with the guys so maybe he wants it to seem normal between us. This could be ok."

She asks for directions and then gets this text: "Or you could just skip the bar and come tuck me in"

Now she's suspicious. Does he just want to get laid or does he actually want to hang out with her?

So she (in awesome fashion) writes this: "Are you just looking for a warm, wet, hole to stick it in? Or are you just being flirtatious. Hard to tell through text"

Dick replies: "Warm, wet, and familiar. Don't wanna split hairs here."

She is stunned.

Dick then writes: "Eh, maybe we should meet up some other time. Don't wanna hurt you. Not my goal here."

Yeah.

Guess he didn't grow up after all. Good luck with that. ASSHOLE.

P.S. My friend DID NOT reply and obviously DID NOT go meet him at his home or the bar. However, I will state that if he had come anywhere near her that night she'd have probably pulled out his jugular with her teeth. White. Hot. Rage. But, calmly.

101 in 1001 (or what I plan to accomplish by August 10, 2011)

2008-11-13T00:02:00.008-06:00

Ok, I'm putting up a list of 101 things I want to accomplish in 1001 days. I learned about this through two friends of mine (who've put up their own lists) and it inspired me to do the same.

While I am a focused person, having a deadline helps to direct me towards a goal. If I don't self-impose one, I tend to flail around and not get much done.

So, in the interest of self-interest and with my happiness in mind, I am putting this out there. I'm excited and nervous and looking most forward to getting to "cross things off the list" as I accomplish them. Look for updates as they happen.

As always, I love and adore you, my friends. Thank you.

So. Here we go:

1. Hit my goal weight (and maintain it)
2. Send the trains
3. Sell the beanies
4. Sell the Magic the Gathering cards
5. Sell the wackies
6. Get proposed to
7. Finish Stop...Look...Listen scrap book
8. Go to 10 shows I'm not directly involved in
9. Go to 5 shows where I don't have a friend in it.
10. Move/buy a bigger place
11. Finally scan all my photos
12. Organize all my photos
13. Read 3 classic books
14. Semi-supine every day for 1 month
15. Finish Mom's awesome Hanukkah gift
16. Write 10 actual letters
17. Finish any/all 1/2 done cross-stitch projects
18. Learn how to use a sewing machine

~~19. Go Vote~~

20. Refile/organize monologue box
21. Get my MRI mammogram

got my appointment (finally) on December 19th!

22. Take a tap class
23. Take a jazz class
24. Take a modern class
25. Take a circus class
26. Finish the Ender series
27. Take a "day job" that gives 2 days off in a row
28. Visit K. in New York
29. Visit Raina in Tennessee
30. Do film, as much as possible
31. Get an agent - one who cares about me
32. Watch the entire West Wing series

Season 1 = complete!
Season 2 = still in the middle

33. Watch 10 classic (oscar winning movies) I've never seen (preferably before 1980)
34. Do the 3 day walk for breast cancer
35. Submit my play to 3 theatres
36. Finish writing the Jezebel play
37. Get Sparky's teeth cleaned (with Vet approval)
38. Go to (at least) one Cubs game a year
39. Finish playing Kingdom Hearts
40. Knit 5 scarves for others
41. Be more diligent about recycling

we bought a cart and are filling it and bringing it down to recycling once/twice a week on average
we are keeping containers (jars and such) and reusing them as much as possible
we are continuing to check labels and reuse any paper products we can

42. Try to use organic/green non-chemical products
43. Go to 4 movies - IN THE MOVIE THEATRE -
44. Treat myself to 3 massages at Urban Oasis
45. Watch more Olbermann and Maddow

MSNBC is now the default channel on our TV

Working through reading a book called Anxious to Please which has opened my eyes to many things - specifically - it uses the process of The Alexander Technique in many of the practices. Cool.

50. Finish putting together the crossword jigsaw puzzle
51. Don't let the file basket get to the top without filing it.

This is a constant struggle but I finally attacked it today!

52. Take a combat class
53. Take a ballet class - even though it scares me-
54. Run a 10K (6.2 miles)
55. Do 3 Stuart's sun salutes a day for a week
56. Play my keyboard, once a month, for fun
57. Perform 10 random acts of kindness

Bought mom an orange rose and surprised her when she was sick

Season 1 = Complete!
Special Christmas episode = Complete!

63. Watch 5 movies Jon wants (only 1 will be MST3K)
64. Try my watercolor pencils and make something pretty
65. Hang out with Dante 2x a week for at least an hour
66. Go to the Shedd Aquarium
67. Go to the Brookfield Zoo
68. Go to Lincoln Park Zoo
69. Go to the Art Institute
70. Read 8 plays I've never read before
71. Visit Charleston (finally)
72. Help Jon get on the path to Bio-medical visualization
73. Have a "date night" once a month

Went to Sushi for November's date! Mmmm!

74. Say something kind to someone once a day for a month -even if it's "I LOVE YOU"
75. Do my taxes by March (instead of waiting until the last minute) for 2009 and 2010
76. Get my credit score
77. Find out how much I'd be approved for, for a mortgage
78. Make a realistic budget
79. Get a new computer (mmm...MAC)
80. Do my 2 affirmations out loud for 2 months
81. Graduate from ACT ONE!
82. Get out of my contract for ******
83. Transfer my VHS tapes to DVD
84. Get my compass tattoo
85. Vinegar the carpet!
86. Go on 5 auditions I have no chance of getting or don't even want - blog about the experiences -
87. Keep an audition journal
88. Get back to my "limber self" and do full splits on both legs!
89. Play my Dance! Dance! Revolution once a week for 3 months
90. Floss every day for 3 months
91. Spend at least one night (with Jon) at a B&B
92. Make the "butterfly" tray
93. Listen to 3 recommended rap albums
94. Learn basic sign language
95. Write a letter (not to be sent) to those whom I feel still "hold me back" emotionally
96. Experiment with "freezing a goal" and wait 3 months to see the progress
97. Be adamant about making 3 hours of "down-time" for myself a week and STICKING TO IT
98. Re-establish my donations to Sierra Club for the Polar Bears.
99. Keep practicing "drawing on the right-side of the brain"
~~100. Get new glasses~~
101. Accomplish at least 50 on this list by August 10, 2011 :)

Our Town

2008-10-12T17:37:00.003-06:00

This is a re-post of my Myspace blog. For those of you who don't do the Myspace thing or follow my little blog in other ways, here it is in all its glory. :)

I was just fortunate enough to score a ticket to one of Chicago's smash hits, Our Town. Yes, Our Town, by Thornton Wilder. Many of you remember having to see a dreadful production, or read it in school or, heavens forbid, be a part of some tragic production.

I, however, have always had a different view of this play. My first introduction to it was when I was 12. I read a scene from it in one of my first scene-study classes. I was fortunate enough to have an amazing teacher who understood what this play was about. She understood what the play was really saying, not what some sad and pathetic director was trying to say. I walked away thinking, "I should read that play". Which I didn't get around to until I was 15.

I went to an arts high school and was introduced to the Spalding Gray movie, Monster in a Box, where herecounts his experience doing Our Town on Broadway. We then watched this version and it was both moving and lovely.

College, well, I watched a bunch of college-kids trying desperately to portray the depth and breadth needed to really fill out these characters, but only a few actually hitting a place of emotional truth.

Then Chicago's own David Cromer decides to direct this award-winning play. With the help of an exquisite cast, he is easily doing exactly what this play calls for. By showing us what we need to hear and setting up our imaginations, we can't help but fall desperately in love with these characters and recognize ourselves in their successes and flaws. Nothing was missed. This is an exceptional show. A beautiful success and, dammit, I'm glad to be alive today.

Bravo, Hypocrites and David Cromer for an amazing depiction of life and what we miss in our mundane every day moments. How fleeting they are.

Thank you for the opportunity to have experienced it.

Peace, and I love you all.

If you believe the good...

2008-10-04T17:43:00.005-06:00

I have a wonderful teacher who often muses, "If you believe the good criticism, you have to also believe the bad." I appreciate this because I feel as though, even in its sardonic nature, the wisdom behind it is of creating balance. I often seek balance and then often fuck it up, royally, by not maintaining this balance. I know, I know, it's a baby-step process. BUT, I had a small epiphany about this balance today and I wanted to share!

I've often said that when traumatic things happen in my life it takes me longer to process and then respond than most "normal" people. I have a "cat-like-state-of-readiness" in my ability to deal with a crisis. I can shove away any bad/sad/frustrated feelings and just deal with the task at hand. But, when the crisis is over/averted and we come back to stasis, that's when I usually fall to pieces. My family knows this and my friends know this.

So. Doesn't it seem logical that I would realize that when GOOD things happen to me I would respond in the same way? When I'm given a day off or get cast in a show or feel good about my performance that- until all the fanfare has died down and we've returned to stasis- that's when I begin to feel good again?

Interestingly enough. No. It never did occur to me. Until today. So, Ted, in your infinite wisdom about critics: I believe my response to the good will be in proportion to my response to the bad and happen after the normal person would have responded.

Now that I've learned this interesting fact about myself, I feel like I have the power to change it. I don't always enjoy the fact that I'm somewhat of a freak of nature in a situation and feel tension and sadness far longer than I probably should and then have to hide, said feelings, because if I showed how I felt I'd seem crazy. As a matter of fact, it would be something to aspire to actually feel the feelings I'm feeling when I'm feeling them, express those feelings, and then poof! They're gone! Like fully expressed feelings. No guilt. No worry. Just feel it. Express it. And move on.

A life without guilt.

Yup that's a life to strive towards. (Don't mistake a life without guilt as a life without responsibility and consequences. These are not the same)

Anyhow. That's the love I have to share. Going to spend some time with Sparky and read a book that has nothing to do with school whatsoever! Smiles all around.

Love to you all!

What would happen if...?

2008-09-03T22:53:00.003-06:00

I've been going about life all wrong, I think. For a long time, as long as I can remember, I've been beating myself up (consciously and unconsciously) for feeling things. I've judged my feelings, my reactions to those feelings, my inability to fix my feelings and/or my reactions to those feelings. Plus, I've made myself sick over not "getting over" my problems at a "reasonable" time.

Yeah.

I'm done with that.

First, I'm done judging how I feel. Seriously, if I've learned anything it's that we all HAVE these feelings. Mad, glad, sad, scared and all the squishy ones in between are part of our humanity. They are part of me. They are also my life-line to making me a good actor. Without them, or without one of them, I am less balanced. I am not a whole person. I can't just take the good and say "screw the bad". Rarely will you ever find a back without a front. A top without a bottom. A good without an evil, and so on. But, if I take away the opinion, the "bad vs. good" judgment, they all just become feelings or thoughts or situations.

So.

I'm beginning an experiment. I am going to try to look at the things I do as an experiment. "What would happen if...".

So. Rather than decide what will happen because it seems like I KNOW what would happen because it's happened that way before, or kind of like that before...maybe I need to change MY response and find out "what would happen if".

Example:

My parents plan a family vacation to Arizona. The premise is my sister-in-law's entire family is planning to be there for Thanksgiving and it would be so cool if we all joined them. I'm not close with them, but I am very attached to my family and enjoy seeing my nephews and my brother on these rare, but usually enjoyable family occasions.

The problem:
My uncle (my father's brother) lives there. Due to unforeseen circumstances (originally he was supposed to be somewhere else for Thanksgiving), he is no longer going out of town and plans to attend our family event. My uncle and I have a very bad history. In the past I endured his presence in my life because I loved and respected my Grandmother (his mother) too much to cause her any pain. I sacrificed my own comfort and well-being just to make it comfortable for the extended family (his kids and his girlfriend of 15 years) to not have to deal with the embarrassment it would cause my uncle if I outed his disgusting actions to the rest of the family. (For the record, my parents, my brother and sister-in-law DO know and still chose to communicate and spend time with him).

But. My Grandma is dead. There is no need to protect her any longer. Nor do I feel the need to play charades any more. Since it's his city, I cannot tell my uncle to leave. So, the only thing I can do is not play the game. I can NOT go. Does it suck? Yes. Do I resent the HELL out of my family for keeping his secret and protecting him? Yes. Can I change their actions? No. No I cannot. I can only change mine. (Cliche, I know, but in this case it's the truth).

So. I gear up to have the fight with my mom that I know will happen because I'm going to tell her I don't wanna go. We have the fight. She plays the martyr card and says we'll all stay home because she just doesn't want to deal with it. I get guilt-ridden and tell her I'm not saying that. On and on and on. Finally we table it for another day.

Another day comes. I approach it differently. Instead of gearing up for a fight, I decide I know what I want and unless the situation has changed (he has decided to go out of town, for example) I do not feel the need to go. I calmly state that I love my family and that I hope my love has been evident over the years. I also explain that for the little vacation time I am getting from school I do not wish to use my vacation as a game of "let's avoid the uncle and not have a panic attack". I also explain that my feelings may be strong but they are valid and I deserve to avoid possibly getting hit by the train by just not standing on the tracks.

As I calmly and rationally laid out my reasons, I imagined my muscles staying loose, my jaw releasing and my breathing stable.

An amazing thing happened, my wonderful mother was quiet and calmly said back to me, "Ali, you're right. You need to do what is going to make you happy."

You bet your ass I breathed a sigh of relief and then cried after I hung up the phone. But I responded to the "I wonder what would happen if" I just calmly say, NO. I said no, and kept my self-respect, not my guilt-ridden sacrifice.

Do I wish things could be different? Absolutely. But I don't feel like a victim in this. I took some power back. Finally.

So. What would happen if I actually allowed myself to really fucking cry about how I feel my ex hurt me and took away my dog and used him as a means to hurt me? What if I actually allowed myself to FEEL sad about the sad things rather than believe I should "be over them already" since it's been two years and I should have moved on by now? What if I actually took a long hard look at how he treated me and realized that I truly may have a case of Stockholm syndrome since I, to this day, defend many of his undefendable actions? What if I just feel the damned feelings and stop judging how I feel about them, for once?

Maybe a little peace?

Maybe a little destruction?

Maybe no change?

Maybe.

One thing is for sure, I'll certainly be going about it at an angle I didn't see coming from before. Maybe a little more conscious. Maybe a bit less judgmental.

Something other than pretending the feelings don't exist would be preferable, I believe. So, let's see what will happen.

I'll keep you posted.

Love to all of you,
Ali

TRON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-27T10:50:00.005-06:00

THIS MUST BE IN CAPS! YES IT MUST! IF YOU HAVE ANY CHILDHOOD SOUL AND REMEMBER DISNEY'S TRON WITH, YES, THE BELOVED JEFF BRIDGES THEN YOU

MUST.

WATCH.

THIS.

VIDEO.

NOW...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTD_Ej-oPSw

THAT IS ALL, DEAR FRIENDS.

THAT IS ALL.

(If this link doesn't work, try googling TR2N. Disney isn't necessarily going to make this movie. They brought it to Comic Con to see if it generated interest! HOLY CRAP MAKE THIS MOVIE!)

Pardon me, are those your nuts on my arm?

2008-07-14T18:42:00.010-06:00

The CTA. We take it because we have to. Sometimes it's the difference between a $12.00 cab ride and a $2.00 crammed, crappy, smelly, awful, homeless-begging, iPod-wearing, sick-to-your-stomach, teeth-rattling, bus ride that reminds us that we're happy to have saved a bit of money and still get home safely after being drunk.

The CTA is also used for such things as:

Getting to work

Coming from work

Meeting at various places in the city for various reasons

Having a safe place to ride to such places when fully intoxicated

Going to a stop where you may depart your bus or train car to then be picked up by another train or bus to finally reach your destination.

There are many things the CTA is for.

Here are some things it is NOT for:

1. Begging for money

(Isn't there some sort of man code that claims if the bus is empty you take every OTHER seat?)

2. Children

(If only we were lucky enough to have THIS kid)

3. Placing your nuts on my arm

Yes. you read that correctly.

Placing your

on my

My dear friends. Honestly. I'm sitting on the bus. Minding my own business. Next to me is a nice lady. She's minding her own business. Around us are other people. Some are sitting. Some are standing. They too, minding their own business. All of us dealing with the fact that we are a large number of people shoved into a space too small to hold us and have to maneuver around this vehicle of transportation in order to get ourselves to our specific destinations...cheaply.

We stop at the last stop before the bus turns into a mini-express. (The Belmont and Lake Shore Drive stop on the 146 for those of you who know the route). It takes Lake Shore Drive to Michigan Avenue and then exits and proceeds to do various stops on the route at that point.

So, many humans pass by me as I listen to my iPod and gaze out the window at the lake and soon the movement stops and I glance over and notice the wave of people has stopped and we are about to take off on our mini-express.

Well.

This guy sort of presses into my arm. It happens. Usually someone is trying to push past and get a hand rail on the back part of the bus or they see their friend. Whatever. However, the allotted amount of time where he should have released his junk from atop my arm passed.

So I waited a bit longer.

He shifts.

I think, Ok, good he's realized he's shoving his penis into the crook of my arm, he's going to move it.

No.

He shifts and, I swear to you, dear readers, hoisted his pants up and then solidly PLACED HIS NUTS ON MY ARM.

I was, at this point, still staring out the window and the entire thing seemed so absurd and ridiculous that I began laughing.

Hard.

Out loud.

So hard, in fact, the nice lady next to me looked over and probably thought I was laughing at her because, well, she was in the window seat and I was basically staring in her direction.

Junk man doesn't fucking move.

I'm practically hyperventilating I'm laughing so hard and this jackass STILL doesn't move his nuts from my arm!

At this point I couldn't avoid an awkward moment if I did adjust myself so I stay there. A comfy place for his ball sack.

We pull off onto Michigan Avenue and I think that, Ok, we're about to stop at a stop, people will push past and try to get off so he's got to move then right?

Wrong.

Oh no. He just presses further into me and now balls and penis are smooshing into my side boob! I'm mortified, appalled, embarrassed, etc. But I'm unable to look up at the jackass in nice Dockers shoving himself on me!

2 more stops went by when finally (FINALLY!) nut-sack man decided to move to the door because he was exiting at the next stop. He chose the back door so I never did get to see his face. But dear lord, people, I got a whole mess of cash and prizes that day!

Moral of the story:

Always be aware of your personal packages when on the CTA.

(For an added bonus, run your mouse over the pics for some fun insights!)

A moment of clarity

2008-06-26T21:50:00.003-06:00

It bugs me when people don't like me. Sometimes I can let it go because it seems weird or irrational to me. However, when I feel like I have been myself, tried to make an effort, done my work (if it's a co-worker or boss or teacher), apologized if I've done wrong, etc. it boggles my mind why someone would just decide, for no reason other than they "just don't like me" to not like me.

I forget that often these people are dealing with their own insecurities and their own issues and I may resemble those things to them. Sometimes.

This time, it took a few jabs at my ego and a few pointed comments to make me realize that sometimes people don't want to make the effort. Sometimes people are just that bitter. Bitterness. Man, I've been teetering on that road for a while. I hate that road and I really don't feel like myself when I'm on it. It's addicting, though. It's easy to feel like you're accomplishing something when you jump on it. It motivates you, gets your blood pumping, makes you have a goal, it fills your sad and empty soul up with SOMETHING. You begin to believe that you NEED the bitterness in order to survive. I did. I was starting to. I don't want it anymore. I'm walking away from that path with my head up and a bit of clarity.

I've been so busy worrying about later and success and acheiving some weird goal I set out for myself in an effort to have something to shoot for (go goal-oriented people), I completely forgot who I was and, honestly, I'm a pretty good person. I love animals. I love people. I will go out of my way for my friends and family and, honestly, it's about fucking time I allow myself some time to fall back in love with ME. I've spent so much time beating myself up for feeling badly. Beating myself up for hurting other people. Beating myself up for taking the time to beat myself up! I've forgotten that we all make mistakes. We all choose things we're not always the most proud of. We've all wished we could have "played that out differently". But they never taught me in school how to forgive myself for not "getting it" right away. Whatever "it" was. I always believed I was just an idiot if I didn't understand immediately. I wanted to be successful right away because if I wasn't it meant I didn't get the job or the callback or the audition or the agent. It meant that I would get smeared by the critics and people would remember what a bad actor I am and that would translate into being a terrible person.

I'm not a terrible person.

I'm a good, and decent person who loves to bring people together with the right projects. I'm a good and decent person who takes the time to listen and care about others feelings. I'm a good and decent person who doesn't feel afraid or bitter when others succeed. I ENJOY the success of those I love.

I love Chicago theatre. Most of the time, we HELP each other acheive things. It's for the good of the show. It's for the better of the experience. I LOVE that. I'm tired of trying to "get it" on the first try and thinking I've FAILED because it takes me a little while to get there. It's ok. The more I do it, the better I'll get.

I won't be like her. I won't teach a student 15 years younger than me and "act as if" I'm critiquing her classwork when I'm really scared shitless she's getting the roles I should have gotten at her age. Or will. Or might. I'm done going down her path. I will work in her class but her opinion is just that. I will learn from what she teaches me (maybe not right away but I will) and I will thank her, eternally grateful, that I've seen what could have been if I don't start to fix it now.

Dulling the edges and enjoying the view.

I think I'm finally "getting it". But if I'm not, or there's more to "get", well, Ok. I'm kinda OK with that right now.

Love and love and love and peace to all.

My Zoo

2008-06-13T10:45:00.006-06:00

I know people think I'm crazy to live in a studio with a dog, a rabbit, a chinchilla, 2 rats and my boyfriend. It does get busy around here. But the truth is, I LOVE them all. And while Wolter and I recognize we may have gone "overboard" considering the space we actually have, we just love these little guys too much to not do everything possible for them.

Which brings me to Wilson.

He's the one on the right.

The little one.

And he's sick.

Wolter and I are really concerned about him and have gone out of our way to help him since he's pretty young, for a rat.

Our vet came in on his day off to give him medications and treatments because HE was worried about him.

After mucho money was spent, we finally took him home in hopes he would turn the corner and start getting better. This has yet to happen. He takes a few steps in the right direction and then falls backwards.

We're trying to keep a positive outlook and the vet tells us he gave him some steroids which might have compromised his immune system. This reason could be why he's not "getting better faster".

So we're playing a waiting game. I take him in next Thursday for a visit so hopefully there will be better news after that.

People might think we're crazy but we love the little guy. He's wicked smart and too cute for words.

Other than that, financially we're swirling around an unflushable toilet. I'm hoping that after picking up some shifts at VGT I'll be able to help re-build the savings we've hemhorraged for various needs.

Being poor gets really old really fast. However, Wolter and I will be living financially "strapped" for, at least, another year while I finish school at ACT ONE. After that ends, I will, hopefully, be able to pay off my tuition with "work study" hours (as I'm currently doing from now through the rest of the semester) and get a job/job to help supplement the financial strain my dream is putting on me and this wonderful guy who has agreed to support me, live in a tiny apartment, cook, clean often, put up with my emotional insanity, and be all-around a wonderful person.

He's the tits.

Maybe he'll read this and realize that sometimes I suck at saying it out loud, but he's wonderful.

:)

Happier blog in the future, I'm sure. Keep Wilson in your thoughts if you're able. He's a sweetie who deserves all the good vibes he can get.

So it's summer and...

2008-05-30T12:11:00.004-06:00

So it's summer! Huzzah! Happiness is touching my soul! So much has happened that I will probably have to bullet-point in order to even get the highlights in:

In no particular order:

School's out! For the Summer!!!!

Our final show, Hot L Baltimore, went...well.

We had our final evaluations at school to determine whether we were being asked back for next year (I am) and what they expect of us (I need to just be a student and stop worrying about "not making it yet")

My family went to Disney World for 4 days and had A BLAST! (pictures to come at some point...when I have 3 seconds)

I read a non-theatre/non-acting/non-play book! Excitement! (Speaker For The Dead by Orson Scott Card)

I am currently reading the next book in the series (Xenocide).

I am riding my bike as much as humanly possible (and for those of you who knew about the back-brakes thief, I did get new brakes put on)

I am working at both, Victory Gardens AND at Act One (to help pay for tuition next year!)

My zoo is doing well...(Chinchilla- McGreevey, Rats - Dante and Wilson, Rabbit - Blue, and Chihuahua dog - Sparky)

I have to save $400 by November to get another damned round of headshots! Grrrr. But it's good I'm just grr about the money.

Jon and I had a HUGE leak in the kitchen b/c the stupid people in my building use chemicals on crappy pipes. We may have to get a new cabinet for under the sink. It smells gross and musty. Ick.

Jon successfully killed and sprayed the plethora of silver fish living in our apartment thanks to the hot water pipe running along the baseboards of the window...and the Section 8 screaming-slob-hicks who live next door to us.

For my former dear readers who were interested in my blog about Sarafina the unheeded prophet, the improv went very well. My character did shine throughout and I was happy with the experience overall.

Our group of 10 in the conservatory has gone down to 9 b/c one of the girls (the craziest one) has NOT been asked back.

I'm going to see Avenue Q in a few days. Truly excited about that show! Saw it in NYC about 6 years ago and fell madly in love with it!

I'm drinking a lot of water.

I'm having 2 girls nights out in one weekend! I can't believe it. I never have nights out and almost never girl's night's out!

There's a bunch of summer movies I'm planning to see: Indiana Jones, Dark Knight, Sex and the City (no judgements, I do have a vagina and I did enjoy that show)

I'm ridiculously obsessed with 2 reality shows: Top Chef (until last week at least since I know the chef who was eliminated) and Step it up and Dance (which Jon and I lovingly call Shut up and DANCE!)

Fail dogs, fail blog, xkcd, post secret, lol cats, and lol dogs are a few things that make me happy.

Also, Scrabbulous.

And Peggle. Seriously. Download that game. Popcap games. It's the most addictive thing since Tetris.

And I'm learning that whether you believe in Karma or not, it does mete out justice in its own way.

Whew. Is that enough? I'm sure I forgot some other important points. Ah well. Lovely thing about blogs and only 3 readers, you can edit and add things and it doesn't cause much grief in the grand scheme of things.

Cheers and happy days!

(Thank you fail blog for this hysterical post below. I laughed so hard it hurt!)

Secrets and Lies

2008-03-14T18:47:00.009-06:00

Many of my 2 readers know I'm in school. Specifically I am in a conservatory program at ACT ONE studios. It's pretty great, considering it's only the 3rd year in the history of the conservatory program.¹

Classes include such gems as: Improvisation for Actors².

My teacher for this class is a staple of the Canadian Second City³ and a well-respected teacher of this work. He even wrote a book recently!⁴

Anyhow, we've started a project for the end of the semester. We were all given the assignment to search archetypes and figure out which one we wanted to be. Then we had a lengthy discussion on what an archetype is and why would we want to be this particular one. We were NOT to think about story or relationships. Just archetypes. Just pick one.⁵

Once we'd gotten sort of squared away with a choice⁶ and listed them on the infamous white board required now for schools, he explained how we were to create this improv one-act.

He begins by asking the class a question⁷: "Who has seen the movie Secrets and Lies by Mike Leigh?" No one raised their hand to agree that we had, and my teacher got a little frustrated and said, "I've been mentioning this movie since the beginning of the semester⁸ so why haven't ANY of you watched it yet?"

Um, yeah, I missed that one. Not because I wanted to (got a great cast and all) but it's not readily available in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ya Canadian! Sheesh!

So this now becomes the assignment. Well, Netflix doesn't always deliver on time and one of my wonderful classmates⁹ decided to find it at the library. What a good man! He watched it and then loaned it out to the rest of us to watch. I got it on Thursday night (class is on Fridays) and planned to bring it back on Friday morning.

Other than falling asleep while it was on, I understood why we had to watch the movie. It was definitely not the best movie I've ever seen, however, the concept is a good one. The characters were created in an improv and it wasn't until Mike Leigh¹⁰ had them flesh out the characters did he then put it all together in a story. In many cases the actors have no idea who they will be acting with until they get to the scene. "Brilliant"! I suppose.

So feeling like a person who finally "got" the joke¹¹ I was prepared to discuss this lukewarm movie in class. I go to eject the tape from my VCR machine. It does not want to release it. Hell hath no fury like the one I unleashed on the VCR. It still would not release the tape. For more fun and hellish interest on HOW we¹², ok JON convinced the machine to release the library's property, read this.

Here are a few pictures of the end results for your viewing pleasure.

You feel important. Don't you?

We BEAT YOU VCR! Wolter, Dr. Scotch, and ME!

The "fun" part about class was getting to create some information on our "character". Refresher: I am a prophet. Our teacher didn't want us to "think" about our characters, but we should put pen to paper and just write (for 10 minutes) continually about our character. He gave us some "starter" questions to help us along. Here were my answers to the questions¹³ my teacher asked us in trying to help us "Write! Not Think!"

Bathroom
25
My pet puppy
Never saving anyone
Seeing the future
Can't save anyone
Someone will listen
Smiles
Rejection
Tiresies
No children
Joan of Arc
Ted Hoerl
Baseball
Picture of my mother in a jeweled frame
Hearing the "word"
By motorbike

Upon the completion of the exercise to "Write! Don't Think!" we had to read, as the character, what we wrote. Even the nonsense. In fact, the nonsense was the most fun¹⁴!

As I sit here on Spring Break¹⁵ I remember the last thing he asked of us before we left for the week. "I want you to write more as your character and bring it in to class".

So...I decided to begin a series of blogs by The Prophet. She will be here soon to "borrow" this site and speak about her trials and tribulations and...well...life.

Stay tuned.

Many know of ACT ONE since they've been teaching actors for years. The actual conservatory is only 3 years old. So no letters...thanks. :)
Folks in the biz call it "improv". We're in the know.
Posers
Probably much more enjoyable than it sounds. Really. Probably.
Seriously, I'm the 2nd oldest person in my class and watching my teacher explain this PROCESS to my classmates was one of the most irritating things to endure. I got my sudoku-for-the-day done, though.
I picked mine really fuckin' quick. I'm a prophet. Yes. I. Am.
Teachers never learn. They never fucking learn.
No. No, you haven't. I listen. You haven't.
He's the oldest one in our program. He's 53. He could be my dad. And for some of my classmates, he could be their granddad. AHAHAHAHAH! The elderly.
Genius or douchebag. You decide.
Rectum, darn near killed him.
The Jon Wolter (owner and writer of THE SLOG blog) a guy I spend copious amounts of time with.
Demands
Like Disney World, but smaller.
Excuse to drink excessively and do NO work.

Even though the strike is over...

2008-03-02T12:49:00.004-06:00

I came across this amazing video and felt compelled to add it as a blog!!! Seriously, folks, this rocks my world. :)

To the writers!!!!!!!

I'm so happy this strike is over, but the fact that these amazing actors/writers created this makes my life happy happy happy!!!

Enjoy, dear readers! Enjoy!
Pssst! Spring is coming...!!!

Little blue boy

2008-02-06T22:31:00.001-06:00

Little blue boy
Originally uploaded by Thealibear

Many of you have asked about how Grandma Florence is doing. She is not well. About a year ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer and has fought the good fight to kill this evil disease. Recently, she began to have trouble with the medication and decided it was better for her to enjoy the end of her life rather than be stuck feeling awful from medication side effects.

Things were going along pretty much the same. She would try and eat but it was never an easy battle and she began to get weaker so she had a hospital bed put in her room at my folks house for ease of sitting up and watching TV.

On Saturday I received a call from my mom that things had changed drastically. I rushed over and the entire family had gathered around her and began telling stories. She looked terrible and seemed very much out of it. Jon Wolter and I slept there, on the floor of the room all night long and in the morning she was able to move her right arm and hand. We waited for the nurse to come in but it was fairly obvious that she had suffered a stroke.

My Dad decided it was too difficult to try and bring in nurses and caretakers at this point and wanted her to get the best care. So, he called the hospice and they brought her to Northwestern Hospital.

This is where she is now.

According to the doctors, this is where she will stay until she dies.

What's fascinating, is she has lasted much longer than any of the doctors predicted.

While she is on a morphine drip and IV fluids, she has no swallow reflex so she is not allowed to drink anything for fear she may aspirate into her lungs.

It seems amazing someone can live in this state for as long as she has at this point.

I love my grandma so much but I want her suffering to stop. She is a feisty lady who cannot even TALK! Her only means of communication are through hand-squeezing and mouthing words. She gets weaker and weaker each day...hell...each hour.

My parents are a mess. My mom and I have the same attitude. We both hope she goes peacefully, with no pain, and soon. My Dad is in denial. He actually thinks we will be taking her home in a few days and she'll live like this for months.

Let me remind you she isn't eating.

She isn't drinking.

She is on a constant morphine drip.

I hope to whatever energy/God/spiritual-what-have-you you believe in you never have to witness what I am dealing with right now. Watching this amazing woman deteriorate into nothing is heartbreaking.

Funny enough, when things get this bad, I usually am able to step up. I tend to do well in a medical crisis. (When I was 20 we almost lost my Dad to an adrenal gland tumor). I've slept at the hospital for the past two nights and I'm exhausted. I'm in good with the nurses but it's been very tough staying there in what they call a "bed-like" cushion. It's not an easy thing.

Tonight I'm home, getting a good night's sleep. My uncle is there tonight and I will probably be there again tomorrow night. We shall see.

If you pray, please add Grandma Florence to your prayers. She's a wonderful woman who lived a full life and treated her kids and grandkids and great-grandkids with love and kindness. She deserves to go peacefully and without pain.

Thank you, dear readers.

Snell

2008-01-26T15:39:00.000-06:00

Yup, you read that right. "Snell". Normally I don't read my spam mail. However, when I was ready to mass delete just now, I realized this particular spam was from someone named "Snell". At first glance I thought it was "Smell" which wasn't much better but..."Snell"?

Anyhow, Gmail will list the first line of spam mail and this one was intriguing enough for me to just open the basic document (yes, I know most of them are stupid ads or viruses etc, but I wasn't about to download the document).

Here's what peaked my interest:
"ambiguity The waterproof televisions come with installation instructions"

Wait...huh???

Really? Waterproof televisions? Was this real or some amazing "engrish" (no offense).

So I had to read more. Here's the entire spam email:

ambiguity
The waterproof televisions come with installation instructions, but considering the complexity of the installation, it might be worthwhile to have it done professionally. After the sink comes the kitchen, with lighted shelves, and then a dining room, where the table is cantilevered from a shelf on the wall, above, far right.
He was referring to Blackie, that ubiquitous near-black potato vine, and Margarita, a lime-green one, which stole our hearts a few years ago. So he created light channels that make the floors seem as if they, too, are floating, and graze the walls with light.
And the longer you put this off, the longer you will be trading time for dollars instead of products for dollars.
You have mentioned in one of your previous interviews that it would be more appropriate to call jazz 'world music'. Grawunder of her client, who she said compares it to a sacred cleansing ritual in a fountain. Kulick transformed the recesses into display boxes with glass shelves, to hold orchids, ferns and photographs.

Yes, my dear readers. This is what spam emails have turned into. I, for one, do appreciate the spammers and their continued effort to enhance my penis. I also appreciate how many black market drugs I could buy online. Thanks Spaminators. But, really? Waterproof televisions? Blackie? Margarita? Is this the new wave of the century?

Ah...you tell me, my friends. You tell me.

Flaws

2008-01-14T21:47:00.000-06:00

(This is a reprint of my myspace blog. Some people don't do the myspace thing --CB-- :) but I felt it was an important enough one to move to this more, personal, venue. Hell, I probably should've put it here to begin with. Either way...here is my flaw blog in all it's glory).

Seriously, people. It's tough to fuck me over so badly that I refuse to give you a second, third, fourth, hell, twentieth chance. I will reach a saturation point but if you've proven yourself caring and remorseful I'm usually persuaded out of my anger and hurt to forgive and move on.

However.

There are a few people I am forced to continue associating with that, except for the situation (work, school, family) I would have LONG since retired my friendly forgiving heart.

Most of the time, the person is well aware how they have fucked me over. And they are also smart enough to keep the fuck out of my way and not keep expecting my forgiving heart to forgive their stupid asses.

However.

At the moment I am dealing with 3, yes THREE people who just are THAT stupid to think I don't see them for who they are. They actually think that just because I've forgiven them in the past I'm willing to take them back no matter how many of their footprints are on my back.

However.

I don't feel badly about NOT taking them back. This is a first. Hopefully a first of many. I am always saying that if someone apologizes I am always willing to listen. I still believe that.

These three morons have not apologized. Well, at least not like a human being might. Telling a mutual friend that you know you fucked up and should probably apologize and make it up to me is not the same as actually apologizing to ME and telling ME you will try to make it up to me. I'm just saying.

So.

While my forgiving nature is still intact, I'm laughing my way through my dealings with these people. Lord knows I'm not without flaws (forgiving people who probably don't deserve it), but at least I still have my head together. And hell, life would be so boring without morons like these three to laugh at!

Peace and love to you all.

P.S. an amusing anecdote: about 4 hours after I posted this blog on myspace I got a friend request from a certain someone's boyfriend. I have a private profile I thought this to be a VERY odd request - I've met the man ONE TIME and it wasn't all that memorable (in other words he acted like I was pretty much non-existant) - but to be blunt, I absolutely saw it as a "ploy" for him to read this blog that clearly his girlfriend (who is a "friend" of mine on my myspace page) was paranoid enough to tell him about. Hey, all you had to do was cut and paste the damned thing and just send it to him. Here it is. In all it's glory. Go ahead and give him my url, if you can figure out how to do that basic computer skill.

Stuck

2008-01-07T19:45:00.000-06:00

So life isn't bad. It's got some road bumps. I'm feeling sadness about my Grandma (she's really sick with cancer and it's bad. She's always in pain and it breaks my heart to watch her suffer). I worry about my Mom who is the primary caretaker for Grandma. I detest and loath my uncle and want him to go to jail and get gang raped. Just once. Mostly for disgusting things he did to me but ultimately for how he's sitting in a million dollar house in Arizona and not here with his dying mother. He's kind of a jackass.

Other than that, I'm learning that I spent 4.5 years with someone who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and upon learning about my Grandma (someone he loved and spent many holidays and vacations with) has done NOTHING to contact me. Seriously. I'm kind of sickened by the idea that someone I picked out a wedding dress for who told me that we would always be family no matter what bullshit we've had and he loves my family so much could just NOT send an email or even a text message to say he'd heard and he's sorry. Nothing.

So, that's how I feel. Stuck. I feel grateful that I am with someone who would put aside the crap and write SOMETHING if things were bad (and he knew about it). But I'm sad that someone I put such faith into, even AFTER we were no longer together decided I was not "worthy" of even a fucking text message. Lies. All lies, I guess is what I'm left with believing.

Ugh. Sorry for the sad blog. Love you all, always.

New Years Eve eve 2007

2007-12-30T21:34:00.001-06:00

New Years Eve eve 2007 Jon fool
Originally uploaded by Thealibear

So, Jon and I decided that it was finally time to open this lovely bottle of champagne (Perrier Jouet) my mom gave me when cleaning out her cabinets. She doesn't drink, my dad doesn't like champagne and they'd gotten this as a gift. Um, I like champagne or free booze or free GOOD booze for that matter.

I hadn't had a very happy new year's last year for me to open it but I decided this year was going much more my way and it was definitely time to open this sucker!

Please click on the lovely photo to see the wonderful evolution of this process. :-) Oh the fun we have in our little lives.

Happy New Year to all of you. I will be spending mine in the NEW home of my wonderful friend, ADAM who is moving here ON NEW YEARS EVE! :-) Peace!

Liars

2007-12-28T15:42:00.001-06:00

Ok. We all tell small white lies. But when you lie all the time or lie when it's convenient to your life but fucks with someone elses, well, you tend to get a reputation.

Believe me. If you lie to me once and I know or learn about it, (let me name one or two: Birthday party plans...sick relatives...) I will never ever trust a word you say to me again unless you come clean, we talk about it, etc etc etc.

Continue to lie to me and you've lost a great friend. I know I'm a good friend. I love the people that treat me well and I even give more of myself to those who probably didn't deserve a second chance. But, well, I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of being lied to. And EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT LYING THIS TIME I don't care because you've fucked me over too many times before.

Peace.

(To the 99% of you that this doesn't affect, I LOVE YOU!)

Fork Toss 2007

2007-12-25T09:50:00.001-06:00

Fork Toss 007
Originally uploaded by Thealibear

We finally decided to buy some new flatware. Our old crap was, well, crap. Here is the happy exodus of our crappy-ass forks, spoons, and knives. Sing a happy song!

(Click on the picture to see the rest of the set in this fun ritual!)

Been thinking...I need some new goals.

2007-12-12T00:34:00.000-06:00

Been thinking about what it means to be a good person. I don't just mean being good towards others, but also being good to yourself. How does one actually go about that without having to be a little (or a LOT) selfish? Isn't that the essence of NOT being a "good person" if you have to become self-absorbed in yourself in order to take care of yourself so you can be a good person to YOURSELF...and others?

I wonder about these things.

I look at my life and I know I have flaws. I know I'm not the best apple in the bunch, but I'm still aware that I'm pretty damned good. Yet, I give people the benefit of the doubt. Yet, I give people "too many chances" to prove themselves time and time again. Yet, I create a world of frustration and lose my ability to manage my time because I extend myself too far. How do I balance this? How do I take the time I need for ME?

Ok, then, what exactly does that mean? I am in school (taking time for me) but school is so busy that I don't always get to take "me" time. Does "me" time have to include the fact that I'm in school or do I get "time away from school 'me' time"?

Sigh.

I know I'm making this slightly more complicated than it needs to be. All in all, I just need to learn to say NO to people. I need to learn that I deserve my time. I deserve Ali time. I guess that time is whatever will help me relax, free myself from ME.

It's amusing. I'm all over the map with this but the common-ground my teachers have told me is how much I need to learn to relax! I know! Is this really a surprise? I am over-simplifying it, of course, but as much as I can take on the world, I really need to stop proving it. I'm taking to heart the RIGHT to "start over" correctly. Or just start over and be ok with not having all the answers. Or being "right" or "perfect" all the time. I know. Cliche as it may be, I'm working on it.

Ok. So, in the spirit of my wonderful friend, Adam, I am going to make a promise to myself. I am going to focus on a few life goals. Some will be short-term, some will be long/life-long term.

First, I am unwaveringly going to continue to see theatre. There is plenty of good, cheap, free-ish theatre. I must go to it. I've had a list of 9 plays I need to see before January 15th (when the last one closes) that I can see for $15.00 or less per ticket. I need to DO that. I've tried to keep up with it and write a blog on Myspace for each show I've seen. Get my observance "chops" back up. It's important for me to keep ON that.

Second, I am getting my finances in order. This is a bit tricky because it entails a myriad of pieces to the puzzle, but I believe I can square away MOST of it.

Third, I will start a "formal" routine (daily/weekly) of exercise/relaxation. I believe I need to incorporate BOTH into my day so why not use my need for efficiency and combine them. In some cases I can do yoga (strengthing AND relaxing) and counter-act it with some type of cardio. I'm hoping to be running 1 mile a day for 5 days a week. If it increases, hurray! If not, well, I think running at ALL will be good for me.

Fourth, I need to get on a regular, healthy eating schedule. Having the power out has wreaked HAVOC on my body. I know it has. I am planning a "jump start" right after classes let out for winter break. Other than work, I don't have too many obligations (save the above plans) until rehearsals start once again.

Fifth, I will finish all my assignments before the break ends and school begins again.

Sixth, I will allow myself a chance to finish a project. Knitting, crochet, beading, writing music, READING a book! Something I've started but can't find/make/carve out the time to finish.

I think those are plenty of goals for the time being.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I'm going to try (the world knows this is a struggle) to give myself a break. It'll happen. It'll work. I just have to learn that it's ok and it's NOT always going to be failure if I'm not perfect all the time or know all the answers. I don't have to FIX everyone. I sometimes need to just sit back and breathe!

Here's to lofty but attainable goals. Any kind words or advice or wisdom is strongly encouraged! :-)

I don't like kids but...

2007-11-22T21:45:00.000-06:00

While I hang out with my wonderful extended family in Maryland I'm constantly reminded what wonderful parents my cousins and my brother and sister-in-law are. It also becomes readily apparent that my parents are incredible grandparents, as are my aunt and uncle. This being said, there are plenty of people for the plethora of children to talk to, play with, jump on, put jam on, etc. Why, oh why, like a cat who KNOWS I'm allergic to it, do they insist on coming to me?

Well, I love my 4 nephews. Yes, 4 of them. 4 separate personalities and they are all hilarious and wonderful. But after about 5 minutes, I usually don't have much to say to them and we end up staring at one another like gunslingers waiting for someone to flinch. It's...well, uncomfortable. However, I've had 4 memorable moments with all of them these past 2 days and I'd like to share.

Zack - age: 10
He's got his dad's taste in music. Always worried about how he appears to his friends, he's attached to his ipod. We're seated at the airport. I'm pumped full of cold medicine and dramamine. He's bopping along to what, I assumed, is music on his ipod. He is staring at me. I ask him what he's listening to. He says: Rap. I think, "fuck, I know NOTHING about rap, this is going to be a very uncomfortable conversation if he wants to actually discuss it since I actually dislike almost all forms of rap" Then, as if cued, he asks me, "So, do you like rap"? I truthfully say, "No". He stares at me for a full second and then says, "You really should, Aunt Ali. You really should".

I nodded my congested head. Maybe he's right.

Justin - age: 7
He's the sports buff. He loves to cook. He also tends to know his limitations but doesn't let them get him down. So, at the Thankgiving buffet tonight, he comes walking over with a plate in his hand and without even missing a beat says, "Aunt Ali, will you please get me some mashed potatoes"? I don't know why, but it totally warmed my heart. Maybe it was the way he asked. Maybe it was the fact that he smiled when he said my name. Maybe I'm PMS'ing (i'm not, but isn't that what women are supposed to say to cover up that they have emotions?) but it made my heart melt.

Brandon - age: 4
I've walked into my Aunts house with my arms full of groceries and as I'm putting them down my nephew Brandon says, "Aunt Ali, will you play a game with me"? Now, how can I say no? Even though every voice in my head is screaming NOT to do this, but how can I NOT help the poor kid play a game. How bad can it be? So I put the groceries away and we set up for a game of Candyland. We are joined by two other adults and it is ON. We're having fun, waiting for dinner, stomachs growling and realizing we are just trying to get to the point where Brandon will get to the END of the damned Candy lane so we could put away the game and go eat dinner, or at least leave the sticky playroom (ok, that's what I was thinking but still...) All of a sudden, Brandon pulls the Plumpy card which throws him all the way back to nearly the beginning of the game. UGH! Now, the other two people have already won, so it's me and Brandon trying to get the 3rd place prize...now he's all the way back at the beginning! This game will never end. He looks absolutley PLEASED with himself. My brother (one of the other two adults) points out, "Uh oh, B. Aunt Ali is ahead of you." Brandon looks down at the board and for a split second I thought, "Oh shit here comes the tantrum". Instead, he assesses the situation, looks up at me and then my brother and says, "I guess I'm losing!"

Tears spurted out of my eyes from the laughter. It was a beautiful moment.

Sean age: 2
He doesn't talk. It's cool. He communicates in his own way. But he doesn't want to use his words yet. We're eating dinner. I look over and he's tried to follow his Dad but gotten stuck trying to turn sommersaults on the floor right near the buffet table. I jump up to "save" the situation and, at least, get him back to the table or with his Dad. He is turned away from me when I approach him and I tap his shoulder. He spins around, surprised, and then just beams at me. This ginormous smile that lit up the room. I picked him up and started asking him crazy questions in a bizarre voice and he began laughing! The more I talked, the more he laughed. I knew then that Sean was taking in everything we said and did. One day he's going to have a lot to say...he's just waiting for his time to speak.

Cheesy? Yeah, but I rarely get to have these sweet moments with these great boys. I do choose to bring these up rather than the 10,445 reasons I never want to actually HAVE children, but, I think I can handle being called "Aunt Ali" pretty much forever.

Texting and trusting

2007-09-16T01:21:00.000-06:00

It's sad to say but I know 2 relationships that ended because one of the parties felt it necessary to invade the other's privacy and read his text messages.

What boggles my mind is, if you plan to engage in this privacy-invading process, do yourself a favor and make sure you are really ready to see the truth. And then, take a step back and realize you may not know the WHOLE truth based on what you see...or think you see.

While there were other factors leading to the demise of both relationships, I'm absolutely certain there would be much less anger, hurt, betrayal, and all-around bad blood if the one hadn't spied on the other.

Let's do ourselves a favor and communicate a little better. Tell the truth a bit more. And stop being afraid of confrontation.

Most of all, end the need to hold a freakin' grudge people! It's toxic and, in the end, the person you are holding the grudge about will move on and become happy while you sit there pissed off and miserable. Do yourself a favor and find the peace, it will serve you much better in the end.

Enough soapbox for today.

Lesson learned

2007-08-18T04:23:00.000-06:00

They warned me time and time again. I listened. I swear I listened. But listening doesn't necessarily mean comprehending, understanding.

This Thursday it became crystal clear what they were saying.

I'm gullible. Vulnerable. Easy to step on.

Not anymore.

I see the situation for what it is now. So, my decision: move forward knowing the truth and NEVER put myself in a position to get hurt by her again. Sometimes this is easier said than done. However, I already know that I'm lucky as hell to have the true friends who look out for me and have my best interests at heart.

I think I'll spend more time with them, and less time with people like her .

Lesson learned.

Pretty accurate

2007-07-29T05:48:00.000-06:00

I thought this was a fitting descprition of me.

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.
You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.
At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well.
At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn.
Your Fixation: Envy
Your Primary Fear: To have no identity
Your Primary Desire: To find yourself
Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

Finding comfort sappy post but all true

2007-07-26T23:50:00.000-06:00

It's always difficult to end a relationship. Whether it's a past love or a friendship, the loss is still a healed scar that was once a gaping hole. I often wonder if it's our pain that causes our hearts to give out when we grow old. Sure, the muscle gets weak and tired from pumping blood or our minds are shutting down, causing other organs to fail. However, when it comes to our emotions, our hearts, we forget that those wounds are there and they often surprise us when they sting even years later.

We often spend time thinking of the past and planning for the future. It's difficult to stay in the moment. It's one of the reasons I love acting. It's impossible to NOT be in the moment if you are doing it "right". Recently I've found another way to stay in the moment. Riding my bike causes me to be defensive, noticing everything around me, watching the cars, aware of my surroundings. Yet, when I'm just cruising at night with no cars, I'm conscious of the moment, the now. It's me, alone, and I'm feeling the wind in my hair or the sun on my face and I'm sweaty and THERE. It's beautiful. It's elegant. It's inspiring. It's like love.

I'm glad to have found another way to keep my focus on the now. It helps me keep a positive attitude and I'm reminded that I can feel the love around me.

Working on Envoy has saved me. My old friends (Lisa, Jon, Lucy, Ben, Carin, Christine, Belinda) and my new friends (Jenn, Caitlin, Steve, Mark, Grush, Molly, Summer, Laura, Darrin, Brandon, Matt, Jessica) I thank you. I'm honored to know all of you and even more so to get to work with you.

You are my comfort. My "staying in the moment". You continue to give and give and I'm grateful for it. On and off the stage.

I thank you.

I love you.

It has come to my attention:

2007-06-14T09:08:00.000-06:00

It has come to my attention that no matter how hard you try, you can't go through life without inadvertently hurting someone. I'm so sorry if my actions have hurt anyone. Please know (whether it matters or not) that my intentions were NEVER about hurting people. Especially people I care about.

It has come to my attention that people live in their perceptions and, often, no amount of persuading or coercing or pleading or begging or wrath or rage or anger or crying or sadness will ever budge them from their beliefs. While I've learned this, I also know I would never feel right with myself if I hadn't tried. I've tried.

It has come to my attention my Jewish upbringing and my abusive past cause me an inordinate amount of guilt for things I can't ever control. I find myself feeling responsible for things that are not my fault or that I couldn't change even if I wanted to. I'm wracked with guilt that I'm happy and others are struggling. I'm full of sadness and pain that they believe I've CAUSED them pain.

It has come to my attention that I can't make everyone happy. Some people are afraid to lose the sadness/anger they hold on to. It's all they know. Success is scary.

It has come to my attention that while I believe it is important to forgive to end the poison and pain others do not believe this is important. They prefer to distrust, dislike, hate, and hurt because they understand it. Trusting is hard.

It has come to my attention that people will blame you for things that aren't your fault because they are feeling sad, guilty, hurt, angry about their own actions and they do not want to face them.

It has come to my attention that I'm not like most people. I turn the anger and blame inward while most turn it outward. This is a difficult concept to wrap my mind around but I'm working on it.

It has come to my attention that I've punished myself enough. I've apologized enough. I've blamed myself enough. I've worried about others enough.

It has come to my attention that it's time for me to be okay with being happy or I'm never going to move on.

It has come to my attention that I am in love and have love all around me and I'm grateful for it.

Welcome to Ali-land

I know I said it was going to be a while but...

Time-out

News, Everybody!

Actor Taking a Stand (Part 2)

Actor Taking a Stand (part 1)

ENOUGH!

Update of 1001 things in 101 days as of 06/11/2009

I miss you Aunt G. July 1945 - May 2009

Engaged! (Ok, I've been busy)

Kramer vs. Kramer a phenomenal FILM

It was Easter. Even for Atheistic Jews!

Update of 1001 things in 101 days as of 04/04/2009

The Brass Monkey

Balloon of happiness and Blackbird

Because I am happy!

Full-on ANGRY, nearly 3 months later

Discipline breeds pettiness

Oh 2009!

Happy Journal

Truckin' along...

Wordle Fun!

Oh, people, that's lame...

Things that go flying off my wall...

And the jackass of the week is...

101 in 1001 (or what I plan to accomplish by August 10, 2011)

Our Town

If you believe the good...

What would happen if...?

TRON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pardon me, are those your nuts on my arm?

A moment of clarity

My Zoo

So it's summer and...

Secrets and Lies

Even though the strike is over...

Little blue boy

Snell

Flaws

Stuck

New Years Eve eve 2007

Liars

Fork Toss 2007

Been thinking...I need some new goals.

I don't like kids but...

Texting and trusting

Lesson learned

Pretty accurate

Finding comfort *sappy post but all true*

It has come to my attention:

Finding comfort sappy post but all true